Abusive Parents

[kahlan]

As a child, occassionally after a particularly violent act my mother would buy me something nice so she could tell herself she wasn't the awful parent we all knew she was~shell
(Quotes and my phone dont work well :/

I know this one well!

 

[LittleL]

Oh man, they really think that buying nice things, or doing things that are expected of them undos all the damage. Not that there was any in the first place, right? I know that all too well. Beat your kid yesterday? Buy them a gift to make them forget! And when they don't forget, tell them they're horrible and holding a grudge. It makes me angry now to look back. I don't understand how they can be in such denial.

A lot of abusive parents are in denial of their actions, and what's worse is they actually believe they are not to blame, and blame their victim, and convince them they are responsible.

This resonates with me so well. Having believed that the abuse was my own doing was horrible. Not only did it set me up to think everything was my fault, it prevented me from leaving abusive relationships because I truly believed it was my fault that my partner was abusing me. I deserved it. Denial is one thing, but the fact that they explicitly blame their children and play the victim makes it so much worse.

I also meant to include this in my earlier post, but forgot to. Yes, my parents do the whole "but we did.... for you' thing, including 'fighting for me in court' [...]. They loved me being involved in the courts too, great way for them to get attention and look for pity from strangers. Oh the poor parents.... God it makes me sick. No one have gave half a shit how I felt. They will list other things they did 'for me' that they really did for their own selfish reasons, and were often not good for me at all.

I had a similar experience. I was in court for a state delinquent child services thing. I wasn't told who originally filed it until long after it was dismissed. My mother used it as an opportunity to show me how horrible a child I was, and the probation officer basically lectured me about how I was hurting my mother. I was terrorized by other family members who told me I was "killing" her. No one even thought there may have been abuse. I found out 2 or 3 years later that my mother was the one who filed it. I still can't go inside a courthouse without getting sick.

 

[Viosinger]

Wow! I hadn't checked back on this forum for a while and am kind of glad I got to read all of that at once. I'm just now starting to admit to myself that their words & actions affect me more than I ever wanted to admit. I was lucky to come across a series of people who were ready to show me actual, genuine love. I hated it at first...I couldn't manipulate them, make them hate me, lower their expectations to fit my view of myself. My sister, a good friend, and my boyfriend all stood fast.

And now... As I go through therapy, I'm seeing the giant hole where parental love should be. They were (& are) so different in their systematic torture. But they both genuinely believe they were in the right, that I was a difficult & (I wonder why) anxious child.... Despite getting consistent reports from all other school & extracurricar things saying the contrary.

I'm not glad to hear so many others had such similar experiences... That's terrible, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I'm glad to know it's not just me overreacting, or that I'm not alone. They did & do try to buy me off with gifts, only to hold the gifts over my head to point out what an ungrateful child I am. I try to avoid any situation where they pay for something. My dad also had sleep apnea, along with a host of medical problems, later including a large bout of alcoholism which he now assumes I must have.

 

[Viosinger]

You said the advantage of emotional abuse is that it leaves on physical scars - that is true but during the middle of our sometimes nightly fights, my mother once told my father "I wish you would have hit us. That way people can see the abuse you have done to us!"
.

I may have phrased it poorly. The advantage for abusers is that it leaves no physical scars. Even as a very young child I used to wish they'd hit me so I'd have something tangible and a reason to say "ouch." If there'd been an equivalent number of physical scars to compare, it would've been hideous.

Now I am learning to let go of what they did by developing compassion for myself and in turn for them because as you mentioned their lives were no bed of roses and did not know how to be a good parent.

I'm working on this. I wish it were an easier process. But, I suppose all things that're really worthwhile aren't likely to be easy. I'm at the point where I'm working on understanding. Perhaps compassion will come later.