Acceptance vs. Resignation

[fin]

Thankyou Cragger for your words

And I am glad that what I wrote resonated with you. Kindness to myself is something a little alien to me and I am thinking from what I can remember of your writing that it might be for you.

I write this because I think maybe that is something all of us need that might be lacking in the midst of the PTSD, kindness to our own selves.

Junebug wrote about the freedom of acceptance "that the future can unfold in positive and unexpected ways".There has to be great potential from looking at ourselves positively. I really believe that balanced optimism about ourselves has to be good.

~fin

 

[cragger65]

Balanced optimism - I love that term.

 

[2notbedefeated]

"Cragger65"

Hmm interesting thoughts. I will have to think though this some. I'm trying "catch up" with the posts. These last few days I have just felt so emotionally exhausted. I feel like my head just wants to shut down thinking is hard right now.

But I am struggling with those two things, the acceptance one is a biggie for me - atleast they way I currently define it in my own mind. For me I feel that along with that comes my dealing with the issues of am I going to accept what has happened in my past, or am I going to stay in denial until I am capable of saying that all I am remembering really did happen to me.

And that I do have PTSD and other issues.

It is hard to "embrace" this struggle and make head way with it.

 

[cragger65]

2Not, I think it's going to take you time to adjust to having these memories surface. That in itself is a huge happening. I don't think it will be a question of staying in denial, as much as adjusting to the flow and the rate of unconcious material surfacing. Making new room inside yourself somehow. I hope this makes some kind of sense.

It is hard to embrace a struggle this all-encompassing. Sometimes it's enough to say we merely got through. *BIG HUG*

Dave

 

[fin]

2notbedefeated

I was kind of talking about the acceptance of who I am, not so much about what has happened to me.
Accepting myself right now...flawed some, in pain, on and off with hopelessness, Socially clumsey now....you get the idea.
I felt in craggers thread and reading others that I wasnt perhaps the only one that might be doing this. And its when I see someone elses that perhaps I can speak into mine.
(whoop!whoop!! that felt positive!!) sorry I whoop sometimes when I think I might have made sense or I can remember something as my memory/concentration is pretty shot-on and off.

So i think I can give a better answer to how I see resignation V acceptance.

I think I am resigned (kind of) to the past -it happened and it isnt going to change. And right now I can only think on it in bits and pieces and thats not something I like to do anyway...too many triggers. The thing is I cant wipe out the past as much as bits have been affected in my memory. some of my behaviour has been automatic and I couldnt cope with the PTSD trademarks I blamed myself for so much...and I have been told well I dont want to do that any more and I want to get well so this is part of it.

I am trying to be kindly accepting of myself and in taking on that acceptance...I hope I am more understanding of myself.

I dont think I said that too well and now Im worried I didnt read the first post by cragger properly, and if I go off to check I will loose what I have written here and then no chance of getting those thoughts back.

I dont think I "embrace the struggle" I just think I need to "embrace me" to be able to keep going. And by that I need to be kinder to myself...I expected to be able to get myself well...to be able to keep going and was crushed when I couldnt keep going any longer and it hit me big time.

So much of what happened to me I turned in and blamed it on myself. I hated myself for things that happened. So much "destruction" to me without me joining in in the aftermath.

that was what I meant by acceptance and with kindness
Hope this helps
~fin

 

[2notbedefeated]

Yes, I too, have massive self-hatred and blame over what happened to me. I feel like it is all my fault. It was my two little feet that went over there. Ugh...

Nope, I can't accept myself either. I feel damaged and shattered. That's kind of why my diary has the Humpty Dumpty name.

Because Humpty Dumpty fell off the way and never got put back together again. I feel this way about myself. I'm flawed and don't feel like a whole person.

Will I ever? I don't know. Do I dare hope?

 

[cragger65]

The way I visualized it at one time, is that my "self" is the shattered mirror. But the mirror didn't shatter evenly. Much of it (me) was crumbs - too huge an impact, and much of the rest of it was broken up too small to be pondered over or made sense of.

But there were 2 or 3 pieces that were still left big enough for me to catch a glimpse of myself in. My music and creativity. My sense of compassion and kindness. My intelligence, for what it is worth (?). "The rest" I had to trust, was not meant to be salvaged - it was meant to be let go - gotten rid of - swept away.

Out of these few larger "pieces of me", I have to trust that I was meant to build a new - and better - me. It just takes time.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dave- I believe you are right.

And I think the "new and better" you will actually bring you more happiness and true, heart-felt satisfaction and peace.