You know, I've been thinking about this a lot since reading your question. I honestly think it takes time, validation of your experience by another - preferably a therapist who understands -, and a lot of work learning about your various parts and starting to communicate with them. Are you working with a therapist?I was about to start a thread about this and found yours.
I haven't a diagnosis but parts take over and I dissociate(hanging out with parts) several hours a day. Still I talk to myself in the same way like you do, I make it up etc.
How do I break out of the denial?
That is a wonderful piece. so glad you are healing and have a caring therapist. Thank you for sharing that. I relate and have great compassion for you so maybe I can have that for myself. With great hopeHow did you accept your dissociation/ dissociative disorder diagnosis?
I have been in therapy for five years now.
I used to let words like dissociative states, dissociation, roll off of me and be forgotten as soon as my therapist would mention them. Maybe she meant dissociation as in normal dissociation. I would nod but then negate everything in my head.
i would say what if I am lying? And my therapist would say it but I see it?
I would know but forget.
And now it’s the same, but a little less.
My therapist keeps saying, you are fragmented, it’s like the channels switch, it’s like different parts of you want different things and cannot coincide with each other. And I nod. But then I forget everything. She didn’t say that, I heard it wrong, she meant parts as in everyone has parts. The heavy head didn’t happen, the shifting didn’t happen. And when I come back she will say there’s a shift there, do you see it? Do you notice it? I do, but I try to forget. This isn’t me. I am acting. Attention seeking.
I know but I don’t know.
I am depleted I say.
And she says it makes sense I am depleted.
Then I try to convince myself and then her that maybe I am just a bad person. That maybe I am making all this up. Maybe I’m bpd and that’s why I dissociate. But she remains unnerved, unmoved.
And then I dissociate again in session. I try to talk about one hundredth of a hundredth of my flashbacks and I lose all control. My eyes close. I cannot move. I can only speak if I have no control and I am gone.
When I come back after a while, the shift happens again. I want to make jokes. Make this go away. Convince my therapist that I am lying to her, that I am a bad person.
But she remains unmoved. Seems like different parts of you feel differently about all this she will say. Or something like that because often I don’t remember.
And it happens on repeat.
Till I can deny it a little less.
Till it stares me in the face.
Till I want to go away.
Till I go away a little less.
Till I feel like I need to go away a little less.
And I start to have a little hope, of things getting better. And fear. What does this all even mean. I want to go back to being normal.
Whatever that is.
But it stares me in the face.
And I accept a little more.
And I deny it a little less.
I can relate. I’m older too but I’m fighting to not give up. Having people who understand would be nice. Don’t give up. This site inspires me. I was hoping to find support and found this we’re not alone hereWoodsforthetree-I could have wrote your post almost word for word. You articulated it better than I may have.
I do not have DID, have a masters, depression and anxiety, and dissociate. I find myself dissociating a lot. My husband will even wave at me from across the room. (I must appear in no where land) Its heavy, my head feels full. I am not high functioning anymore though. I think my age has just made me tired. Years do wear on one with these things.
It is very hard, @mylunareclipse you are not alone.
I understand what you say about confusing and exhausting. It's a very accurate description, but trust me things do improve bit by bit. It doesn't go completely away, but if you keep working at it you'll begin to see the positive difference. The work is definitely exhausting though and I think for me, the transitions can be quite draining themselves.
Hang in there. You're doing a great job. Remember, just simply going to therapy is incredibly brave.
wow AnD. Your reaction sounds very similar to mine . I deny it a lot too. It's stressing me out more. Sorry you're dealing with similar things, but thank you for sharing your experience. Helps me feel less alone.I am the same!
I said last time, due to a flashback I assumed, don't touch me! Don't touch me!
He put a foot on my chair.
My child part asked him to kill her/us.
Also a lot of crying, sitting on the floor. Parts coming out. I feel like a freak show. But as long as he is kind and accepting, I can work towards that too.
I can't really wrap my head around it. And deny it a lot. Hoping it will stop by itself. Been waiting for 25 years at least...
Another t told my that I likely to have dissociative identity disorder.
And you help me. If you feel and act similar then I can't blame it on me making it up or doing it to myself. Which I prefer over someone hurting me so bad that it broke me into pieces.wow AnD. Your reaction sounds very similar to mine . I deny it a lot too. It's stressing me out more. Sorry you're dealing with similar things, but thank you for sharing your experience. Helps me feel less alone.