DID Accepting a dissociative disorder

[shimmerz]

I stay co-conscious most of the time

Me too. And I find that there are benefits and problems that come along with the co-conscious part of all of this.

 

[Digz]

I think DID is such a hard diagnosis to come to terms with. For the most part I have accepted my diagnosis but even now ten years on there are times when I want to pretend it doesn't exist.

It's a slow process, accepting it. Be kind to yourself. If you are recognising it at all and trying to address it at all, you are doing well. I used to believe I could've made it up and worry, I think it's quite natural. Eventually you will see it's not possible to make such a thing up.
I sometimes get my T to email key things said in session, things I need to remember to try or just need to work on remembering in general. This helps me, don't know if it's worth a try.

I guess one of the biggest things that helped me was working towards accepting the parts one at a time and opening a dialogue up with them in some way. Understanding and reminding myself that this isn't crazy although it feels it sometimes, that it is a natural protective mechanism also helps me sometimes.

I think DID is extra tricky because although trauma is becoming increasingly recognised in society and more people understand and are okay with it, DID is not at all from my experience which can make one be more afraid, isolated and reluctant to accept the diagnosis.

But you are on your way. You will forget, you will go backwards and forwards, progress in this I don't think is linear but remember to congratulate yourself for the bravery required to address it at all and turn up to therapy. It all requires great strength, so you should be proud of that.

 

[Justmehere]

For me, I see it like having allergies. I can't always stop the allergic reaction, but knowing I have the allergy helps me better manage it. It's simply a working tool to feel better. The same applies for mental health conditions. I simply have a cluster of symptoms I need to manage to feel better.

Acceptance is easier when I focus on usefulness of any label. Not the se judgement of the label.

Dissociation is a trauma survival super power. Same with the other responses of fight, flight or fawn. Freeze (or dissociation) is another way to survive. It was a way to cope the unbearable. It's clever, smart, got you through difficult trauma. It a super power / coping mechanism that is now backfiring. It's simply stuck on and not quite healed up yet. Nothing to be ashamed about, simply to learn about how to manage. Sounds like you have an awesome therapist to help sort it all out and support you to live more of the life you want to live.

 

[AnD]

I was about to start a thread about this and found yours.

I haven't a diagnosis but parts take over and I dissociate(hanging out with parts) several hours a day. Still I talk to myself in the same way like you do, I make it up etc.

How do I break out of the denial?

 

[whiteraven]

I was about to start a thread about this and found yours.

I haven't a diagnosis but parts take over and I dissociate(hanging out with parts) several hours a day. Still I talk to myself in the same way like you do, I make it up etc.

How do I break out of the denial?

You know, I've been thinking about this a lot since reading your question. I honestly think it takes time, validation of your experience by another - preferably a therapist who understands -, and a lot of work learning about your various parts and starting to communicate with them. Are you working with a therapist?

Truthfully? It took me years to stop denying.

Another thing - you might want to ask yourself *why* you continue to deny it. What does being DID - or having parts - mean to you?

 

[brat17]

Woodsforthetree-I could have wrote your post almost word for word. You articulated it better than I may have.
I do not have DID, have a masters, depression and anxiety, and dissociate. I find myself dissociating a lot. My husband will even wave at me from across the room. (I must appear in no where land) Its heavy, my head feels full. I am not high functioning anymore though. I think my age has just made me tired. Years do wear on one with these things.

 

[JnTmarie]

How did you accept your dissociation/ dissociative disorder diagnosis?

I have been in therapy for five years now.

I used to let words like dissociative states, dissociation, roll off of me and be forgotten as soon as my therapist would mention them. Maybe she meant dissociation as in normal dissociation. I would nod but then negate everything in my head.
i would say what if I am lying? And my therapist would say it but I see it?
I would know but forget.
And now it’s the same, but a little less.
My therapist keeps saying, you are fragmented, it’s like the channels switch, it’s like different parts of you want different things and cannot coincide with each other. And I nod. But then I forget everything. She didn’t say that, I heard it wrong, she meant parts as in everyone has parts. The heavy head didn’t happen, the shifting didn’t happen. And when I come back she will say there’s a shift there, do you see it? Do you notice it? I do, but I try to forget. This isn’t me. I am acting. Attention seeking.
I know but I don’t know.
I am depleted I say.
And she says it makes sense I am depleted.
Then I try to convince myself and then her that maybe I am just a bad person. That maybe I am making all this up. Maybe I’m bpd and that’s why I dissociate. But she remains unnerved, unmoved.
And then I dissociate again in session. I try to talk about one hundredth of a hundredth of my flashbacks and I lose all control. My eyes close. I cannot move. I can only speak if I have no control and I am gone.
When I come back after a while, the shift happens again. I want to make jokes. Make this go away. Convince my therapist that I am lying to her, that I am a bad person.
But she remains unmoved. Seems like different parts of you feel differently about all this she will say. Or something like that because often I don’t remember.
And it happens on repeat.
Till I can deny it a little less.
Till it stares me in the face.
Till I want to go away.
Till I go away a little less.
Till I feel like I need to go away a little less.
And I start to have a little hope, of things getting better. And fear. What does this all even mean. I want to go back to being normal.
Whatever that is.
But it stares me in the face.
And I accept a little more.
And I deny it a little less.
For now.

That is a wonderful piece. so glad you are healing and have a caring therapist. Thank you for sharing that. I relate and have great compassion for you so maybe I can have that for myself. With great hope

Woodsforthetree-I could have wrote your post almost word for word. You articulated it better than I may have.
I do not have DID, have a masters, depression and anxiety, and dissociate. I find myself dissociating a lot. My husband will even wave at me from across the room. (I must appear in no where land) Its heavy, my head feels full. I am not high functioning anymore though. I think my age has just made me tired. Years do wear on one with these things.

I can relate. I’m older too but I’m fighting to not give up. Having people who understand would be nice. Don’t give up. This site inspires me. I was hoping to find support and found this we’re not alone here

 

[mylunareclipse]

Ugh things getting confusing fast.
I think I am actually dissociating/ switching to different parts during my therapy session.
I feel so mortified.
I act towards my therapist as thought she is an abuser. Begging her to just not hurt me. I will do anything just don’t hurt me.
And then the part poof is gone and I am left there staring at my therapist not knowing what to say as I did not say those things.
Everything is so confusing and exhausting. My brain feels like it’s about to explode.

 

[Digz]

It is very hard, @mylunareclipse you are not alone.
It makes sense though that there will be parts of you that are really worried about your relationship with your therapist. You have to get close to a therapist and trust them for the whole process to work, and for people like us that kind of closeness, that kind of relationship usually means danger. That is nothing to be ashamed of, it is perfectly reasonable considering what you've been through. I have been through the same thing with all my Ts. Some, I have been through it with more than once. The fear of the relationship, of being hurt and the threat of danger tend to come and go for me and for a while I might be okay but then suddenly something small will make me uncertain again. If I have a break with my T for too long, all that fear comes back.

I understand what you say about confusing and exhausting. It's a very accurate description, but trust me things do improve bit by bit. It doesn't go completely away, but if you keep working at it you'll begin to see the positive difference. The work is definitely exhausting though and I think for me, the transitions can be quite draining themselves.

Hang in there. You're doing a great job. Remember, just simply going to therapy is incredibly brave.

 

[AnD]

I am the same!
I said last time, due to a flashback I assumed, don't touch me! Don't touch me!
He put a foot on my chair.
My child part asked him to kill her/us.
Also a lot of crying, sitting on the floor. Parts coming out. I feel like a freak show. But as long as he is kind and accepting, I can work towards that too.
I can't really wrap my head around it. And deny it a lot. Hoping it will stop by itself. Been waiting for 25 years at least...
Another t told my that I likely to have dissociative identity disorder.

 

[mylunareclipse]

It is very hard, @mylunareclipse you are not alone.

I understand what you say about confusing and exhausting. It's a very accurate description, but trust me things do improve bit by bit. It doesn't go completely away, but if you keep working at it you'll begin to see the positive difference. The work is definitely exhausting though and I think for me, the transitions can be quite draining themselves.

Hang in there. You're doing a great job. Remember, just simply going to therapy is incredibly brave.

@Digz Your response brought tears to my eyes. I felt so validated. Thank you so much. I feel a little less "crazy". Yes therapy is exhausting me especially going right now 3 times a week. I will be doing a bit better and then bam a session like today happens in knock me off of my feet.
Yes the hole slipping/transitioning/switching between parts it's like exhausting/draining. But my hope is as you say that I will improve bit by bit and in the long run this will worth it. I am trying really hard to not lose it. I had a meeting with my boss few hours after my therapy today and it took all my strength to put a few sentences together and not run away from the meeting.

I am the same!
I said last time, due to a flashback I assumed, don't touch me! Don't touch me!
He put a foot on my chair.
My child part asked him to kill her/us.
Also a lot of crying, sitting on the floor. Parts coming out. I feel like a freak show. But as long as he is kind and accepting, I can work towards that too.
I can't really wrap my head around it. And deny it a lot. Hoping it will stop by itself. Been waiting for 25 years at least...
Another t told my that I likely to have dissociative identity disorder.

wow AnD. Your reaction sounds very similar to mine . I deny it a lot too. It's stressing me out more. Sorry you're dealing with similar things, but thank you for sharing your experience. Helps me feel less alone.

 

[AnD]

wow AnD. Your reaction sounds very similar to mine . I deny it a lot too. It's stressing me out more. Sorry you're dealing with similar things, but thank you for sharing your experience. Helps me feel less alone.

And you help me. If you feel and act similar then I can't blame it on me making it up or doing it to myself. Which I prefer over someone hurting me so bad that it broke me into pieces.
And it caresses my heart somehow not being alone, not that I want you to be in pain. But you know