D
Deleted member 34535
I had a gravy day at work, 5 easy stops. Works for me because I get paid a salary plus for the day, so I will take my gravy when I can get it. It worked our great because I had a 4:30 Appt. with my Psychiatrist and was able to get an early 2:15 appt. I got a haircut and went to see the Doc. I love my Doc. When you have no family like me and someone really cares about, you really appreciate it. I told the Doc that the 3 meds I am on, which are all old school meds, are doing the trick nicely. But I was having trouble sleeping the last couple weeks, so he gave me an Rx. to use as needed to help me sleep. I also told Doc that most of the anger was gone, it wasn't too far away, but for the most part, it was gone. I told him that at times I just felt numb thinking about all of the rot that was a part of my life, but atleast it wasn't anger most of the time. The tears almost rolled down my eyes, but I was able to hold them back.
So, driving home, being it was early, I contemplated going fishing. And when I got home, I decided to go. I loaded my stuff up in the truck and rolled. This spot is called The Wharf. You back your truck right up to the water and fish out of the back of your truck. There was nobody there when I got there and I loved it. I wasn't in the mood to be sociable, I just wanted to lose myself in fishing. After about an hour, a couple of fellows parked next to me. There were people who previously pulled up and parked, but were not fishing. They were talking to me and I was nice but not overly sociable. Then another fellow who I have talked to before pulled up and said hello and we talked a bit while I was fishing. This made 3 people plus the others who were passers by. My hyper-vigilance kicked in right on cue. My cackles were up and for absolutely no reason. But I can not help it. When there is too much uncertainty around me, my HV kicks into high gear. Then 3 more young people came over too and I was on high alert. There is no rationale for this, but it is what it is.
My hyper-vigilance due to my child abuse is so woven and knotted into my psyche and my being and it has been there since I was a toddler if not before, that I have very little faith that it will ever go away. As a matter of fact, I think I can say without much reservation that I will take my HV to the grave with me. I hate it because deep down inside of me, I know that people for the most are just fine and there is no need to live like this. But Knots are knots. I think the biggest key to living with PTSD and it's accompanying side effects is making up our minds that what is is what is. You know the old saying, "You Can't Fight City Hall." Blessings to all!!
So, driving home, being it was early, I contemplated going fishing. And when I got home, I decided to go. I loaded my stuff up in the truck and rolled. This spot is called The Wharf. You back your truck right up to the water and fish out of the back of your truck. There was nobody there when I got there and I loved it. I wasn't in the mood to be sociable, I just wanted to lose myself in fishing. After about an hour, a couple of fellows parked next to me. There were people who previously pulled up and parked, but were not fishing. They were talking to me and I was nice but not overly sociable. Then another fellow who I have talked to before pulled up and said hello and we talked a bit while I was fishing. This made 3 people plus the others who were passers by. My hyper-vigilance kicked in right on cue. My cackles were up and for absolutely no reason. But I can not help it. When there is too much uncertainty around me, my HV kicks into high gear. Then 3 more young people came over too and I was on high alert. There is no rationale for this, but it is what it is.
My hyper-vigilance due to my child abuse is so woven and knotted into my psyche and my being and it has been there since I was a toddler if not before, that I have very little faith that it will ever go away. As a matter of fact, I think I can say without much reservation that I will take my HV to the grave with me. I hate it because deep down inside of me, I know that people for the most are just fine and there is no need to live like this. But Knots are knots. I think the biggest key to living with PTSD and it's accompanying side effects is making up our minds that what is is what is. You know the old saying, "You Can't Fight City Hall." Blessings to all!!
