Accepting the death of a parental relationship

[deeplyloved]

I had to cut off my parents and siblings. It was a few years ago and I am just not processing the grief. It’s not a socially acceptable loss, so it’s difficult to fully grieve...especially when abuse actually caused the disintegration many years prior. I remind myself that parenting is not a spiritual calling for everyone. It is for me...but for some people, like my parents, it’s just biology...

 

[deeplyloved]

Sorry, I mean just NOW processing the grief. I’m so sorry you are going through this pain and loss.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I know... Denial can be such a comfortable place to "live." I think that sometimes we have to get to where the pain and discomfort are worse than being in denial.

Grief can't be rushed or "planned"...there is a lot of anger (because it WASN'T and ISN'T right!!!) which is REALLY difficult to "sit in". It will take time, which is the hardest part of all.

 

[MyWillow]

Struggling with this.

Broke down on the phone to my mum a few weeks ago. She’s an enabler and people pleaser and throws me to the wolves to save herself. She suggested a visit. I told her I needed to be first for a change. We discussed in length a convenient time to visit. So she booked on the worst day possible. Oh I couldn’t pick her up from the airport so she’s off to stay with my prick of a brother and now she’s fussing around them and we are supposed to fit in with their schedule. I’m shattered. I didn’t think I was asking for all that much. But wine and dogs and cats help.

Hugs Eve. It’s horrible to be grieving your living parents and being ever hopeful they’ll one day love you just for being you.

 

[user27357]

It gets better. I broke off with my entire family except for wife and kids a few years back, I now know it was a good decision and one I should have made possibly forty years back. I kept hoping that there would be a normal relationship someday and I forgive myself for hoping that would happen because that is what we see all around us, everyone loves their kids on TV and at work and we love our own kids. Why wouldn't you expect that from your own parents?
My wife had to make the same choice and it wasn't easy for her either but was more or less made for her when her mother attacked our daughter right in front of us. It wasn't discipline or verbal abuse, it was hands on throat fighting over a dispute in a game of croquet!

It does get better.

Part of going no contact with a parent is their disregard for it and continuing contact. In my case I made sure that every time they called I made a contact for the number they used and never answered that number again. My wife had to threaten a court order. All of the renewed contacts made it hard all over again.
But it does get easier. And it is, by definition, better than the hopelessness of repeating the same behaviors and hoping for a new outcome.