Accepting the Limitations of Supporting a Mentally Ill Sister

[strongshadow96]

My sister is mentally ill and she has all kinds of distortions and false beliefs. It's aggravating listening to her talk about things and go against professional advice. Her own therapist told her that she needs more help than what her therapist can provide, but of course the therapist is wrong, and yet she still wants to see her. That's the only outpatient care that she needs.

The frustration and anger I feel towards her are immeasurable. I've been fighting so hard for her. Going against my family, being the only one supporting her and helping her get things done. I drove across the state to help her because no one that is close could get their shit together enough to be here for her. She's stupid and reckless and unreasonable but it's because she's severely mentally ill. I don't know how to talk to her. I don't know how to let some things go because I worry so much about the things she thinks she can do. I can see so clearly how her decisions will lead her back into a downward spiral and I have to accept that there is nothing I can do. It's hard to see her in so much denial and I feel this huge pit in my stomach because she's acting chipper and like she's all better when it will probably take her years and years to overcome the trauma she faced. I will let her make her decisions, she's an adult but it's tough to watch.

 

[Sideways]

If we go around assessing people, judging them, based on what we think they could have done instead, then we will always be left disappointed.

It’s very often much more conducive to healthy relationships if we focus on what they have achieved.

None of us have lived our entire lives making great decisions.

 

[uvw]

I feel for you. I think it is good that you are aware of and open with your own feelings. It sounds like you need to focus a little bit more on yourself for a while instead of on your sister. Perhaps even get a therapist yourself, to work through your experiences and emotions regarding having been so engaged in someone who suffers from mental illness. It can be difficult, draining and even damaging if we forget to take good care of ourselves also.
I sympathize with your pain, and your anger as well. It is hard to watch someone making uninformed or impulsive decisions that we see are causing themselves hurt. Frustration and anger feels like very healthy feelings to experience when that happens. "I cant be mad at her because she has mental illness"- I do not believe that is neither true nor healthy. When people do really dumb stuff it is natural to get mad. The difference is more that if the person that did the dumb stuff suffers from mental illness, we need to approach the situation a bit differently and not hold people accountable for actions they did not choose freely or accountable for the negative emotions those caused us, as we can do more directly and openly with healthy, functional adults. It places according to me a bigger responsibility upon the more healthy, functional part to manage their own emotions regarding the actions of the person who is unwell and dysfunctional. Maybe gently remind yourself of what is your responsibility and what is not. You and your life are your responsibility, she and her life, are not. It is her responsibility, because her life is her freedom to do as she see best. Perhaps try be more a sister and a friend to her, not a parent or caretaker, and maybe let the contact you initiate with her ahead be little more based on you genuinely wanting to spend time with her because of her, and less because you might feel obligated to because you feel she needs your help. Maybe that could be good for you both and your relationship? And take good care of yourself in all of this. Best wishes.