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ED Accountability (eating)

I have been eating or not eating and just trying to get on with it.
I hate thinking about it though. I hate feeling that I need to be accountable. I hate noticing how rubbish I am with food and how ridiculous it feels.

I am a grown ass woman and could do with getting a grip.
Making lunch.
It's what I like about tracking. Per meal? getting nutrition balanced? no not good. Tracking over the day - much better picture. Because over a day I eat OK. Per meal - can be messed up. Sometimes I crave something so that what I eat. Plus with Addison's disease I have huge salt cravings at times...

Plus I don't track all the time. Just a random week every couple months. Then look at the week, not just the day. The longer view is usually better yet. Fact is we all eat a bit disordered at times. If the longer view isn't good I find a little planning is OK. Pick simple stuff like soup or chili, one and done meals.

Plus tracking hydration is a good thing too. It's a huge health factor we ignore sometimes.
Got to track again.
I was feeling stronger when I started this thread and doing consistently but everything is a bit sticky right now.
Do you have a fall-back for when things are hard?

When I’m not posting on the other thread I’m typically surviving off meal-replacement shakes & V8. It’s my fall-back, so I always have some around. At the end of the day if I haven’t eaten anything I knock one back, just as a rule. They don’t count as “food” in my mind, so they don’t get complicated.

Over the years I’ve had a lot of different things as fall-backs, just because things do get hard, sometimes. The trick (IME) is to find the exception to the rule. What doesn’t “count”, or get complicated, or make hard things even harder? Do that. Then get back to my baseline as I can. Takes the pressure off, so lapses last less time. Usually. But if not? I’ve still got this. How I prefer to live, and how I improvise/adapt/overcome.
Forgive me. I am bad at using this site.
Writing this post feels scary and painful.

I am struggling with eating/not eating.

I have finally explained to T how disordered my relationship with food is. I will go days without eating unless someone physically puts food in front of me.

I don’t think I know what it feels like to be hungry. Deep down there’s also the feeling that I don’t deserve food and withholding it is a suitable punishment.

In my diary a couple of weeks ago someone mentioned an accountability partner to help make better choices.

The dr has been giving me a whole bunch of pills for years for my appalling B and D vitamin and iron levels (like they are basically non existent), and I keep throwing them away because I don’t eat and then don’t take them.

So I kind of need some help to check in with food. The what did you last eat thread is great but I just beat myself up when I see what everyone else is eating.

I think I need a place to check in to simply say I’ve eaten. Is that ok?

Mod Edit:
Please can people not talk about actual types of food. If you want to talk about meals there’s another thread that covers that.
I sincerely appreciate you reaching out for help because as much as you don't want to eat, you would really benefit from someone checking up on you. Today all I ate was an oatmeal energy ball I make to stuff in my mouth so I don't get weak, but I'm getting that fatigue I know you are familiar with, so I'll pop another in! (they are the size of donut holes, literally one mouth full) How are you about drinking your food, such as smoothies and meal replacement drinks? Sometimes I just don't want to chew!
Thanks for reaching out and know your not alone in this struggle with food. People would ask me have I eaten even ask a kid and I would not even remember if I did or not. I can't tell if this is from my trama as a kid or something else. My body doesn't tell me it's hungry until I'm about to pass out. It hard cause people ask what foods I like and I can't really answer since even if something is "good" it doesn't mean I enjoy eating it. My go to in order for me to eat is like liquids. Soups that I can drink mostly. The older I get the more my taste for food is getting more and more out of hand. I don't consider myself with an ED so not sure if I should post this but if not let me know.