My PhD T said that for the most part, Flashbacks to Traumatic memories themselves contain fairly accurate memory content that can be trusted as far as it was encoded, but that's as far as it can go, and that any attempt to "fill in the blanks" should be avoided, as that can create memory distortions. The distortions occur when we try to make sense of things that don't yet fully make sense, she said, such as when a flashback doesn't contain enough information to answer the who, what, when, where, how's and the person tries to assume these using heuristics or other memories or ideas outside the flashback. Obviously, such thinking is bad thinking, but tempting to do sometimes. The right thing to do is be calm and patient and just wait to see if more of the memory surfaces.
In my case, I got a partial flashback of an event that made little sense to me, and then another that seemed to be likely to have happened as Part 2 of the same event, maybe right after, but there is a gap, so I am not sure. And I could not see, so I did not encode enough info to check it's the same location, etc. but the solution/outcome is a match, so there is that, in the timeline. Also, these are the two most recent flashbacks, so they seem congruent.
They present as follows, almost in a logical way: FB1=beginning FB2=ending (missing part=transition or middle, which could be made up of mere seconds but be enough to create confusion). There are enough matches to connect the two parts also: where I think I am, who I think rescues me (in two stages, one in each memory since there are two perps to deal with), and the location of the trauma, which match. The first memory has some initial visual, and then they remove my ability to see (I don't know how.) And in the 2nd flashback, I cannot see at all, which I discover is due to someone over my head, which gets removed at the end of it. So that connects them.
Things like this seem to make the flashbacks seem truthful, or at least internally consistent. Even if something doesn't make sense to me in one, such as not knowing why I can't see. That gets answered in a later flashback, such as someone taking something off of my head.
This would seem to answer my own question, in the sense of "Yeah, this seems to be a trustworthy trauma memory." And if it were PTSD, I might agree.
Then, Enter DID and the fact that the emotions and conditions of the memory are not a match for my main personality but match another, but would be new information, or a newly recalled, previously amnesia trauma for that personality. That alternate personality claimed a different reality that I doubted, but now also has given "me" flashbacks (very intense, overwhelming ones) of a trauma she endured while "using" the body without my awareness, at all.
In other words, I have probable DID (understatement), and I have a new set of Flashbacks that are hard to verify based on the fact that they would have had to have happened to someone living a life outside of my experiences, with me having no knowledge of it (I call it "Fight Club").
If I accept the Flashbacks as "accurate," then it's also accepting that I have DID to the florid extent of "Flight Club" levels, aka, one of my personalities went and lived a different existence without my knowledge in an elaborate way.
Understandably, this presents a different level of acceptance then just the usual acceptance of the trauma and its already-tough emotional shocks. It's really hard to begin to process these when I didn't even do the life that led up to the trauma. It's hard to explain. I didn't get involved with the individual that ultimately led to the trauma. But, I am having the flashbacks of the trauma that another personality experienced without my "permission or awareness." This is causing massive problems in my life that I cannot resolve with no end in sight. I cannot verify this happened objectively, due to at least 7 years having passed and having moved away, etc. and the individual involved will not cooperate in providing validation. (As if What happens in Fight Club stays in Fight Club.)
I really need a trauma therapist and one that can help with DID, especially DID that hides itself extremely well from itself, a'la "Flight Club" levels. In other words, I don't know what to do. And I have an HMO, a fixed income, plenty of bills and responsibilities, and feel like there is just nothing I can do.
I was in therapy at the time of this going on, so it apparently doesn't help, and actually makes it worse, since it just ramps up the "system pressure," and doesn't address the DID. Only one personality goes to therapy and gets stressed out by it, resulting in worsening of the DID and the PTSD, so actually I have to always get back out, after learning some skills for life, which is nice to have, but more damage is done than the therapy accounted for, I find out, years later, and I am lucky to have survived the process.
Inpatient is not a good option. Meds not good in my experience.
I think maybe just leaving it alone is the only and best option, and just accepting this. But, I am asking for advice from DID'ers. Thank you.
In my case, I got a partial flashback of an event that made little sense to me, and then another that seemed to be likely to have happened as Part 2 of the same event, maybe right after, but there is a gap, so I am not sure. And I could not see, so I did not encode enough info to check it's the same location, etc. but the solution/outcome is a match, so there is that, in the timeline. Also, these are the two most recent flashbacks, so they seem congruent.
They present as follows, almost in a logical way: FB1=beginning FB2=ending (missing part=transition or middle, which could be made up of mere seconds but be enough to create confusion). There are enough matches to connect the two parts also: where I think I am, who I think rescues me (in two stages, one in each memory since there are two perps to deal with), and the location of the trauma, which match. The first memory has some initial visual, and then they remove my ability to see (I don't know how.) And in the 2nd flashback, I cannot see at all, which I discover is due to someone over my head, which gets removed at the end of it. So that connects them.
Things like this seem to make the flashbacks seem truthful, or at least internally consistent. Even if something doesn't make sense to me in one, such as not knowing why I can't see. That gets answered in a later flashback, such as someone taking something off of my head.
This would seem to answer my own question, in the sense of "Yeah, this seems to be a trustworthy trauma memory." And if it were PTSD, I might agree.
Then, Enter DID and the fact that the emotions and conditions of the memory are not a match for my main personality but match another, but would be new information, or a newly recalled, previously amnesia trauma for that personality. That alternate personality claimed a different reality that I doubted, but now also has given "me" flashbacks (very intense, overwhelming ones) of a trauma she endured while "using" the body without my awareness, at all.
In other words, I have probable DID (understatement), and I have a new set of Flashbacks that are hard to verify based on the fact that they would have had to have happened to someone living a life outside of my experiences, with me having no knowledge of it (I call it "Fight Club").
If I accept the Flashbacks as "accurate," then it's also accepting that I have DID to the florid extent of "Flight Club" levels, aka, one of my personalities went and lived a different existence without my knowledge in an elaborate way.
Understandably, this presents a different level of acceptance then just the usual acceptance of the trauma and its already-tough emotional shocks. It's really hard to begin to process these when I didn't even do the life that led up to the trauma. It's hard to explain. I didn't get involved with the individual that ultimately led to the trauma. But, I am having the flashbacks of the trauma that another personality experienced without my "permission or awareness." This is causing massive problems in my life that I cannot resolve with no end in sight. I cannot verify this happened objectively, due to at least 7 years having passed and having moved away, etc. and the individual involved will not cooperate in providing validation. (As if What happens in Fight Club stays in Fight Club.)
I really need a trauma therapist and one that can help with DID, especially DID that hides itself extremely well from itself, a'la "Flight Club" levels. In other words, I don't know what to do. And I have an HMO, a fixed income, plenty of bills and responsibilities, and feel like there is just nothing I can do.
I was in therapy at the time of this going on, so it apparently doesn't help, and actually makes it worse, since it just ramps up the "system pressure," and doesn't address the DID. Only one personality goes to therapy and gets stressed out by it, resulting in worsening of the DID and the PTSD, so actually I have to always get back out, after learning some skills for life, which is nice to have, but more damage is done than the therapy accounted for, I find out, years later, and I am lucky to have survived the process.
Inpatient is not a good option. Meds not good in my experience.
I think maybe just leaving it alone is the only and best option, and just accepting this. But, I am asking for advice from DID'ers. Thank you.