ADHD plus trauma fueled fear of leaving home..

[Justmehere]

… is a living hell.

I have adhd on top of ptsd. I am usually out doing stuff… work, volunteering, life… there are times I shut down and have setbacks but often spend them in nature, etc.

I’m in a place where outside of my part time job, and dog walks alone, I’m afraid to leave my home. I’m getting the basics done, barely. I’m isolating — and more than thst, I want to stay in my tiny place and not leave.

Someone came and knocked on the door and I went to hide in the bathroom. I have no idea who knocked or why. I was going to go get groceries but no. Just no. Everything in me is no.

It’s self imposed hell because my mind is better not cooped up at home but I’m so effing terrified of people. The only place I don’t feel terrified is work, I don’t know or care why, except maybe that it’s structured, I have a specific role, task. Job. Minor authority. (Verrrry minor.)

Everywhere else? I am terrified of what people will do to me. I want to go do things outside my home but my home is under my control. Nowhere else is. My fear is winning,

I’m even jumpy about phone calls and emails.

Feeling stuck.

 

[Friday]

A couple few Q’s

Have you given yourself permission to take a few days (or any other specific timeframe) to isolate, or is every day pushing to go, and stopped by fear?

Do you remember when this started, or was it a gradual pulling back?

Does the same thing happen if you switch “home” to a hotel/hostel/RV/tent?

Any med changes?

 

[Friday]

2 pints of espresso, & a small handful of painkillers, later?

Pieces. Patterns. Routines. Series of interchangeable structures I can Tetris about as needed / wanted / desired. Clear lines of sight. Space that is my own. *Hedonism. Planning & Arc Planning. Passion. Purpose. Respite. Balance.

^^^ The Important Things For Me (in rebuilding external structure) ^^^

When I’m doing well, I have a whole SHEET of line items & blocked routines for my day, that keep my life full/ interesting/ balanced/ flexible/ adaptive as hell. It’s a very Tetris-like schedule that allows me to move all of the pieces/parts of my day around (except the very beginning & very end). The very beginning does have 3 versions, though; Waking up, Fawk I’m sick, & In Case of Emergency. But aside from the things I need to do to track down 2 neurons & rub them together to get a spark? And to maaaaaaaybe get some sleep tonight? Everything else can Tetris. <<< Because I have no internal sense of structure? (The ADHD thang) I have to create that structure externally.

When I’m doing well, that’s almost effortless.

When I’m doing badly? All that goes out the window.

Ditto, I can usually “hang on” to things like work I’ve already been doing, because the external structure is already there. I don’t have to create it, or maintain it, or learn it. I just have to slide into it. Until I hit a certain worse point, and can no longer manage that, either.

If I’m “stuck” in a certain part of my life? Like stuck inside? That tells me where I need to start rebuilding my line items and routines. Because that’s where they’ve broken. <<< When at all possible, I prefer to do that from a hotel. Because it’s easier for me to “see” where my patterning is off, when I’m not somewhere familiar. If I have zero problems in a hotel or elsewhere? My routines et al magically SNAP back into place? I’m ME, again, and life is crackling with electric possibilities? I have zero problems coming/going engaging/connecting acting is as easy as thinking about it? Then it’s where I’m living that’s the problem. That happens from time to time, for various reasons.

((The only fix I know of -when it’s where I’m living- is to box up EVERYTHING, except my suitcase, and start over. Very possibly in the exact same place. Because it’s something “there” that is off. Clearing the space (and painting, ripping out carpet, etc. if necessary)… essentially recreating the hotel suite of blank canvas… can tell me if it’s the actual place I’m living, or something about how I’m living, which is f*cking everything up. If It’s how I’m living? I can stay in the same place & fix the how. If it’s not? I need to move. And huzzah, my shit is already packed. Win/Win))

More often than not? It’s not the place I’m living, or how I’m living, but me.

Boo.

That’s harder to fix.

Totally possible. Just harder.



* Inatead of mindfulness. ADHD means having to constantly push away too much input; neurotypical mindfulness is a fast way to a psychotic break. By instead choosing to unleash full sensory awareness on fun -thrilling, delightful, delicious, passionate, soulful, whatever- I can net the results of neurotypical mindfulness, without