Advice??? Boyfriend missed one year anniversary.

[Jay02]

Hi guys! I appreciate all that you’ve said. It’s given me a lot of insight and how I will be going about doing things from now on!

A little update... He called me and for the first time, he said, “I just wanted to hear your voice.” I could hear the groaning of pain on the other end and I wanted so badly to reach out and hug him. He then apologized for missing our one year due to his flashback and his sudden pain in his body... I immediately reassured him and told him that he never has to apologize for feeling the way he does. He has no control over it and I told him I would absolutely never use it against him or ever force him out of it.

Him calling me helped a great deal, and I just hope it helped him out a little bit too. I did my best not to ask or pry unless he started the conversation, so instead, I turned it into a lighter note and showered him with all of our good memories that we’ve shared the past year.

He also mentioned the holidays, and how he never had a good memory of it since they were always filled with violence. Again, I told him that as long as he was with me, that wasn’t ever going to happen again. But being on this site showed me a lot of things... I never want to force my boyfriend into things he doesn’t want to do.

So, on the topic of holidays, I told him that I know he knows how important family is, but if he isn’t ready or comfortable enough to spend the holidays with my family, then we would make our own tradition in a way where he’s comfortable because again, I never want to put him in a situation where he doesn’t want to be.

With that being said, I appreciate every single one of you and all the insight that was given! I really do take all of your advice into consideration. My boyfriend deserves the best, even the world, and I want to be the one to give that to him in a way where he feels safe.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Adapt and overcome.

For example, I tend to do Christmas Eve in our jammies with my vet and kids, then our little immediate family Christmas morning. I'll then go to my extended family Christmas thing while he chills at home. He knows he's welcome, but he's not obligated at all. I still do all the holiday stuff I enjoy, but he is in control of how he participates. Would I prefer to spend the whole day together? Sure... but it's more important that he is comfortable and I don't resent him for making me miss out. Likewise for work holiday parties or gatherings with friends. If he wants to go, he'll go. If not, I go solo and neither of us holds it against each other. It works for us.

He actually did Halloween stuff this year, so I'll take it as it comes.

 

[Freida]

.. but it's more important that he is comfortable and I don't resent him for making me miss out.

THIS!!!! If I can't go don't resent me. I need to know you can go without me without there being drama

 

[NaeNae75]

I was just going to say the same thing. That there's stuff we do together and stuff we do separately. We play it by ear year by year. But we almost always have Christmas morning together with our kids.

 

[MyWillow]

Last Christmas morning I found myself frozen in anxiety sitting on my bed. I felt awful and don’t understand why. I can’t remember Christmas and Birthdays growing up yet they cause me so much distress. My OH and I make such an effort to make the day (and lead up) about us and our pets. We stay home, we have our own traditions etc etc. But I was a mess. The best thing is that he just accepted whatever I was capable of doing. He asked if I wanted to do present opening for the pets but I couldn’t face it until late afternoon. No idea why. He pottered around in the kitchen until I could get up and direct traffic. I think I stayed in my robe most of the day. He didn’t mind at all.