Advice For First Therapy Session?

[WillyKat]

@theshadowoftheliving: Sounds like you're a step ahead of me then. I often recommend Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, except that it occupies an uncomfortable middle ground between aimed at clinicians and aimed at victims.

But yes, I'm of the opinion that understanding the ins and outs of how PTSD works helps me to see how utterly not alone I am. If there are so many cases that scientific principles can be derived, then for damn sure we're not alone. I used to see all my symptoms as something only I ever experienced.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I'm trying to do some writing, etc right now for the appointment, describing my traumas and my symptoms. But now I'm panicking. I've got the inner monologue that tells me that I'm just being dramatic and need to get over myself, that there's nothing wrong with me other than me wanting attention, that I should just push through and stop being a baby. I want to cancel the appointment. I keep thinking that I'm overreacting; none of this stuff is that bad and I shouldn't bother someone with it, etc etc etc.

I mean, what if I get in there and she tells me that nothing I'm experiencing warrants therapy, that I'm perfectly fine and I'm just being dramatic? I haven't had anything happen to me that is super bad, and maybe I'm just reacting too much. I mean, &%#%#^ I can't even remember it most times, so how could it be that bad?

AHHHHHHHH. I hate my brain so much. Should I just cancel and keep dealing with things? I'm worried because I'm still functional usually and this must mean that I'm perfectly fine.

But then I tell myself that I'm not okay and I need to go and there was obviously enough concern on my behalf to make the appointment, so I just need to ignore this monologue.

Ugh. I'm freaking out. I didn't think it would be this hard.

 

[Chava]

I haven't had anything happen to me that is super bad, and maybe I'm just reacting too much. I mean, &%#%#^ I can't even remember it most times, so how could it be that bad?

AHHHHHHHH. I hate my brain so much. Should I just cancel and keep dealing with things? I'm worried because I'm still functional usually and this must mean that I'm perfectly fine.

What was your original reason for going back? 12 weeks will go very quickly if you don't have some sort of goal. Do you need a better assessment to understand the reasons for your symptoms or help making connections? Are you okay with your level of functioning? Do you feel good about your life? Stuck? Did you imagine therapy might be the place to help you in "dealing with things"? Are you looking for practical tools? Or are you looking to resolve some trauma? These goals could all go hand-in-hand, but with a brief course of therapy it would probably be helpful for you to have one more clear in your mind. And no harm taking that to the therapist and seeing if the therapy is a good fit for your goals.

 

[WillyKat]

That inner dialog is the work of those that hurt you. It's what they want you to think. It keeps you quiet, alone, and frightened. When you can silence that poison narrative, they become afraid.

No, no, no, no. No. You're not being dramatic and just getting over it can't be done. You were traumatized. So you want attention; we all want attention. We all deserve attention. Without attention, human beings don't do so well. For those that complain about someone wanting attention, I say "the f*ing give them some." You're not overreacting.

She won't say that.

Don't hate your brain, you're going to need it. Your brain has helped you survive this far and will serve you well in the future.

For right now, I want you to breathe deeply 10 times. As deeply as you can. Then 10 more. Look around you and name 10 things. Anything. Your keyboard, mouse, lamp, the fuzzball on the floor. Then remind yourself that its 2015, not then. It's April 8 or something close to it.

People get anxious and then stop breathing, which makes it worse. Breathe.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Sorrysorrysorry. I'm trying not to be crazy over here. It's just so so hard.

@Chava my original reasons were that I'm tired of losing so much time to dissociation. I'm tired of spacing out and watching people talk and not being able to understand them or make my brain function enough to grasp the words. I'm tired of afternoons like today, when I just felt overwhelmed by existing and came home and got into my bed, coat and all, and covered my head with my blankets. I've been trying to be okay for years and years and years now, and whenever a little bit of extra stress comes, mostly just from the everyday life stuff that shouldn't throw me, I end up like this again and again, spaced out and jumpy and flashing back to things I don't want to think about.

But then I get worried that I'm perfectly fine since I can hold a job down and that this is the sort of stuff that I should be able to just try hard enough to not do. I keep thinking that it's not that bad. I read about people that go through awful, awful things and all I have to complain about is childhood sexual abuse when I was young and a couple people dying. I mean, how bad can it be? I do hate my brain, @WillyKat. I hate it for reacting like this.

I just want to hide in bed forever where it's dark and still and warm under the covers. Thinking is too hard.

 

[Chava]

my original reasons were that I'm tired of losing so much time to dissociation. I'm tired of spacing out and watching people talk and not being able to understand them or make my brain function enough to grasp the words.

That's plenty of reason. We can't survive forever without human connection. I am very "functional" in the pay-my-bills sort of way. I have a good job. I have even been a serious over-achiever in many ways. It all faked me out, and made me believe I was okay and good enough. But I've been an adult for a long time and not figured out how to trust others or get beyond my bubble. When even mildly stressed I am in a sort of bubble.

Maybe stick with those original reasons and try not to overthink it all too much, because those are good reasons. Start with this....tell the new therapist (or write it down) about the dissociating and not being able to understand or connect to others well. Ask how the therapist imagines you could work with that in the time you have. That's a really good goal I think.

My isolation increases my chronic pain at this point. My work IS suffering. In the end, it all seems to catch up with us one way or another. I kept myself highly distracted for so many years that I believed I was "fine" but I was slowly and very surely falling apart.

You don't have to think or do any comparing. Just stick with your goal, go to the first appointment. Until then, you can rest and know that you've taken a first step in setting that up.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Chava Thanks for the kind words. I don't mean to compare. It's the sort of thing where I could easily tell someone else that they weren't being dramatic, but I have a hard time believing it when it relates to me.

Another reason, I guess, for going tomorrow is how rapidly I cycle between totally panicked and totally spaced out. I'm calm now. But I'm also spacey and foggy and wondering if I should just go to bed and call it a wrap for today since I'm not sure I can pull myself out of the fog and do much of anything. Really, I just want to hide. Hiding is easy and painless. It just doesn't seem to agree with the rest of the world.

I'll go. I promise.

 

[Chava]

I hide a lot. Glad you'll go tomorrow. Hope it feels like a good start.

 

[Chava]

p.s. definitely bring up the dissociating and disconnected feelings. I don't know what your trauma is (and you don't have to say unless you feel okay with that), or if you are minimizing it, or perhaps don't have all memories. Dissociation is strongly correlated with trauma and lost memories...because we dissociate at the time of the trauma. Not saying that's what happened for you, but that the symptoms and your original goal are plenty to ask therapist about, without worrying too much about the whole story at this point. I have traumas I remember, but the hard ones, I'm sensing, are those I don't remember (but have hints of or actual account from others)...either because I was too young, unconscious, or likely semi-dissociated.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Thanks, @Chava. I go through these panicked phases of thinking I'm overreacting (usually related to having a good day, which is paradoxical, I know) and these phases of being stuck under the covers, which proves to me that I'm not okay. I know the dissociation is related to trauma. I'm missing pieces of it, for sure (like the before and the after, how I got into the room and how I got out of it later, and other details like that) but the memories I do have are incredibly clear and prove that it happened over and over. I know the dissociation is related to it.

I guess I'm having a clear-headed and lucid moment right now. Let's hope that lasts until tomorrow.

 

[Chava]

Whatever mood you wake up in, you can go....and come back and tell us how it was. :)

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Just an update that I made it through the first session. It was totally fine - not fun, but fine. She didn't confirm my fear of being dramatic about everything; rather we talked through the symptoms of PTSD and she said it sounded like it fits me, which is honestly kind of a relief to understand that some of what I do isn't just me being a &$€|% head.

We talked about the dissociation. She said that she wouldn't push me more than I can handle, and we can work on being more in touch with emotions. I'm simultaneously nervous and excited about this. Spent the majority of the session somewhat zoned out, but hopefully that gets better with time.

We're going to be doing a twelve week CPT, which sounds promising.

Now I just have to go back next week ...