Relationship Advice needed please, my girlfriend has PTSD.

[Dave ZInger]

Any fun birthday plans, Dave?

Are there friends you could catch up with and celebrate... so if she's able to be there for you, great, but if not, still having a good time?

Yes I have family but if I'm honest il be really upset if I dont at least get a Happy birthday message from her. I feel that as I'm aware she is messaging her family she should acknowledge me too...

 

[EmpoweredGirl]

You could be right but as yet I'm not ready to throw in my towel... Time will tell I suppose eh..

Supporter here. You won’t throw in your towel until you’re good and ready...that’s for sure. I’m happy you found this space because it’s been very beneficial for me over the years and I trust it will be beneficial for you. Unfortunately, There is no one size fits all advice to give you. We honestly learn through trial and error... what works for my guy may or may not work for your situation. It’s a process/ Also, give yourself credit in reaching out to seek advice that says a lot about your dedication to your relationship. It’s a beautiful thing.

 

[Dave ZInger]

Supporter here. You won’t throw in your towel until you’re good and ready...that’s for sure. I’m happy you found this space because it’s been very beneficial for me over the years and I trust it will be beneficial for you. Unfortunately, There is no one size fits all advice to give you. We honestly learn through trial and error... what works for my guy may or may not work for your situation. It’s a process/ Also, give yourself credit in reaching out to seek advice that says a lot about your dedication to your relationship. It’s a beautiful thing.

Aah thank you for your kind words. Yes I want to fight to keep us alive, I am so glad that I stumbled upon This site, (I'm a brit in England UK by the way) as you folks are a, wealth of good advice and have patiently learned to find a path with your loved ones. Well it's 2am here so I'd better get to sleep.. G'nite and thanks to You all. X

 

[Ronin]

I feel that as I'm aware she is messaging her family she should acknowledge me too...

Try to not take it personally... she may not be in a headspace to engage with you / your relationship for a myriad of reasons and want / need her family for other reasons that are not about you.

If you see that relationship as always triage, you'll keep losing. If it's about Choose me first / only / dictate of choices, that will get super unhealthy and controling very fast.

Do what you need for you. Don't place your well being or choices on her. Respect both of you.

 

[EveHarrington]

She just says my needs aren't anything, I'm a really emotional guy that really and truly just needs a little attention every now and then but I'm scolded as being selfish if I mention it.

Your needs are VERY important! Don’t EVER forget this!

No one can make me feel safe. Not hubby, not family, not friends. I don't ever feel safe - it's just the nature of my pstd. So people who try to blather on about how they are the one person in the world who can? Ya - that pushes me straight into isolation.

Much agreed. Don’t act like you are the one she can feel safe around. You don’t get to make this decision. I do however have ONE person I can feel safe around and that’s my boyfriend. He doesn’t understand it when I tell him I feel safe around him, but he accepts it. When I am triggered, he will tell me I am safe, but it’s not so much of a convincing thing as a reminding thing, as my mind has already decided I’m safe with him.

 

[Freida]

When I am triggered, he will tell me I am safe, but it’s not so much of a convincing thing as a reminding thing, as my mind has already decided I’m safe with him.

Yep - that's me and hubby!

 

[Dave ZInger]

Try to not take it personally... she may not be in a headspace to engage with you / your relationship for a myriad of reasons and want / need her family for other reasons that are not about you.

If you see that relationship as always triage, you'll keep losing. If it's about Choose me first / only / dictate of choices, that will get super unhealthy and controling very fast.

Do what you need for you. Don't place your well being or choices on her. Respect both of you.

She is having to deal with the death of her baby nephew at present so I'm trying uing to be supportive but she doesn't want me around in any way whatsoever.

 

[LuckiLee]

I would leave her be and let her reach out to you.

 

[Dave ZInger]

I would leave her be and let her reach out to you.

I know what you mean but right now and at this time of the year I'm just not ready to do that. I suppose I'm hoping that she will at least contact me on my birthday on Monday and hopefully open up the contact.

 

[Freida]

I suppose I'm hoping that she will at least contact me on my birthday on Monday and hopefully open up the contact.

Be careful with this ---- I may send a happy bday message when I'm isolating but that doesn't mean I'm ready for a bunch of blah blah blah in return.

 

[Dave ZInger]

Be careful with this ---- I may send a happy bday message when I'm isolating but that doesn't mean I'm ready for a bunch of blah blah blah in return.

Hiya . In Your opinion do you think she is being fair though if that's all I get? As It's the not knowing where I stand with her /us that's the real problem to me, christmas is only 9 days after my birthday, our second together, and I'm meant to be at her home on Christmas day. She will have her son and daughter with her also and will visit or be visited by her sister, mother, dad etc.. Should I just be "OK" if she decides she still doesn't want me around? I can't help but feel unimportant.. ?

 

[Chris-duck]

In Your opinion do you think she is being fair though if that's all I get?

No. I don't think it's fair. I don't think *she's* being unfair though. It just is unfair.

Should I just be "OK" if she decides she still doesn't want me around? I can't help but feel unimportant.. ?

I think this is something you need to decide for yourself. She isolates to deal with her PTSD, she'll probably keep isolating to deal with her PTSD. You don't *have* to be okay with that, but it is a choice between being okay with that or leaving the relationship cos it's not something you're gonna be able to change imo.