My boyfriend doesn't really do my birthday. We've been together for 5-7 years (those first couple years were spotty because of me learning PTSD....but we've been mostly solid for 5). The first couple he didn't acknowledge. The next one or two he apparently remmebered the wrong date and worked on my birthday (night shift so not around for bday celebrating). He's gotten gifts for me a couple times. The gifts have been on the years of his worst holiday isolations when he feels guilty (my bday is shortly after Christmas around when he starts coming out of isolation and realizes what damage has been done). I don't think he has ever said the words "Happy birthday" to me without me prompting him. For my most recent milestone birthday, I planned everything and told him what we were doing for the day. He hadn't slept much the week leading up to my birthday. On my birthday he fell asleep around 0800 and woke up around 1600....hours after my birthday plans had started. Soooo my birthday festivities started late and got cut short because he was asleep.
I tell you that to say this: this is something I accept about my boyfriend. I have no expectations for him on my birthday. When I had expectations for him on my milestone birthday, I told him what they were. And quite honestly, I had a backup plan in case he it wasn't gonna happen for him that day. The backup plan was for myself, so that I wouldn't have a bad day because of him. I give him reminders about my birthday just like I do with every other event/obligation/whatever that I need/want him to remember. I don't care much about my birthday, so this doesn't bother me too much. If this WAS important to me, than it would have been factored into my decision to continue dating him.
With this being your first isolation with her (assuming that's what it is, because that's what it sounds like), this is part of life. Sometimes isolation will happen on your birthday and it doesn't change because it's your birthday. With you birthday being in December and many PTSD sufferers being symptomatic around the holidays, you may never be able to have a super fantastic birthday with her.
Is it fair to you? Nope. PTSD isn't fair to anybody.
If my boyfriend was isolating during my birthday and managed to say Happy Birthday I'd probably cry. Tears of sadness that that's all I got. Tears of sadness that he has to deal with PTSD. And tears of happiness and appreciation that through all the shit he's going through he managed to think of me and what's important to me and take the time to say something about it.
I'm not saying "you should be happy if you even get that". I'm trying to shed light on a different perspective of a minor thing being bigger than it seems.
This is 100% the hardest thing about the first and subsequent early isolations. Since you haven't yet made it to the other side where you see that everything is the same it's really hard to be confident in what's to come next. I can only encourage you to be patient. Years into this I don't doubt his feelings for me anymore. I see the little seemingly insignificant things he does for me during isolation (yesterday he bought my favorite cookies at the grocery store, I cried when I saw them on the counter). The hardest part now, years later, is dealing with my needs remaining unmet for a period of time. Hang in there!
Honestly, all plans I make with my boyfriend I consider tentative until we are actually doing them. Even getting ready at home for whatever plans isn't a sure thing as something could change last minute. When RSVPing for things I always make him a maybe when possible and at this point I know what he will show up for and what he won't so sometimes I just say no even when he tells me maybe or yes. I have backup plans for anything that is important to me. He doesn't have much family and doesn't do holidays in general, so I just plan stuff with my family and he can show up or not. I will be enjoying myself regardless.
That is up to you. Will you be ok? Is that something that's ok with you? This is something you probably won't be able to address productively until after her isolation. But if it's not Ok with you, then you should bring it up with her. This is also part of your decision about if this is the right relationship for you. If she doesn't see your perspective on this point and expects you to be ok with that...is that something you can accept about her and about this relationship?
Yes. It is frustrating as hell. It hurts. It really does. Once I learned more on this site about the sufferers perspective and now I see the little ways that I am important during isolation (like the cookies) and that helps.
Have you read much on this site yet? The link provided above....the what are they thinking thread....super helpful. Reading a sufferers perspective makes things you see at home make sense. Still frustrating as hell and still doesn't make sense to me....but I can follow the logic of a sufferer even when I don't agree with it.
She can fake happy and fake whatever else with people that don't know her as well as you. They dont inspire terribly deep feelings in her. You know her well. You inspire deep feelings in her. Feelings are dangerous. So, stay away from feelings. Stay away from you. It doesn't make sense to you that feelings are dangerous. But if you consider that her actual perception is that feelings are dangerous then you can follow the logic about why she would stay away from you and not someone that she cares less about.
My boyfriend often doesn't know he's doing it. His brain clicks over to pure survival mode. He can't even keep track of if he's eaten or not. He doesn't know how much time passes. He doesn't see that it's been days since we've spoken words to each other. So no, he has never been able to say to me "we're good. Just need some space right now". I see what's happening long before he does. My boyfriend is also untreated so that puts him further back than sufferers you see posting on this site. It seems that with treatment sufferers start noticing their own tells sooner and then can sometimes communicate them.
Unless she has something more going on than PTSD, it probably isn't. For whatever that may be worth.
Do you know that for a fact she's not ignoring them too or do you assume? If this is the first isolation you've dealt with the you dont know what her usual patterns are. I'm guessing that you also assumed she wouldn't do this to you. But again, you inspire the most feelings in her, so you're more unsafe than they are.
This is why some deep reflection on your part is important right now. Figuring out what you can and cannot handle is key to whatever next steps you take. When she comes out of her isolation then having a discussion about boundaries will be important. Boundaries are about your actions, not her. For example, someone on this site laid down the boundary "if I don't hear from you at least once every 3 days, then I will assume we are no longer together". Its not saying "you must contact me every 3 days" because then what? You're stuck right where you currently are of not knowing what's going on. Its...you aren't contacted for 3 days and now you know you're single and can proceed from there. You have the control.
