Advice On Boundaries

[shimmerz]

How old is her relationship with husband?

30+ years. He is a friend of mine as well. They both helped me a ton when I needed it. This still isn't okay with me. This hasn't really changed except for the fact that he is unhappy about certain things and this is historically how he gets. I have no interest in being a marriage counselor, I just want to be respected in this. I feel like I can't change my own patterns of putting up with DV if I allow myself to get sucked into this.

I will help her if she helps herself, but I will not sit back and watch myself and my friend be verbally abused just because we are chatting. This is nuts and I refuse to do nuts anymore. Refuse.

 

[stillstanding2]

30+ years. He is a friend of mine as well. They both helped me a ton when I needed it. This still is...

It doesn't sound as if you've lost your friends. They have lost you with their behavior. Sad for them.

 

[shimmerz]

I worry I suppose that by pushing my boundary that it will be ME that loses this friendship. It is like I have to choose between her and me. I have learned along the way that I have to put me first. It is damned hard. I don't like it. I am losing so many people. It is difficult not to think that this is my fault. I have changed the rules and she can't keep up. I think that is why I am getting so much kick back from her.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Sounds like you are in a cross fire situation. Duck. Their battle not yours. Chatting in front of him about their relationship (?) So the work situation for her to chat should work. You do not want to be the sheriff or the deputy. Drama. Yes, your boundaries are appropriate. Stand by them.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I will help her if she helps herself, but I will not sit back and watch myself and my friend be verbally abused just because we are chatting. This is nuts and I refuse to do nuts anymore. Refuse.

I think you have set a healthy, reasonable boundary. I think your friend doesn't have many if any boundaries and so perhaps she really doesn't understand the reasoning behind the boundaries you're setting even though logically it doesn't seem that hard to grasp. It's definitely not okay for you to go through that verbal abuse and it is right of you to refuse. I hope something works out for you so that you can keep this boundary and this friendship.

 

[scout86]

but I will not sit back and watch myself and my friend be verbally abused

Just curious. Can you imagine the situation reversed? What would you be thinking if you were her? What would help you, if you were in the situation?

 

[stillstanding2]

I have changed the rules and she can't keep up

True. Your friendship is not some object that they can be jealous over. They ae playing a dismal game of favorites at your expense. That's junior high shit.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't think your personal boundary is in any way unreasonable. I can't handle yelling, screaming or raised voices. I would have stopped talking to this friend (if she was my friend) after the second incident. I hope you can keep your friendship with this person. Good friends are hard to come by.

I think that when we set boundaries with friends we previously had no boundaries with there can be a lot of push back. A good friend will realize that your requests are in no way unreasonable and be accommodating.

I think that perhaps you should steer the friendship toward email only for the time being and block her husbands email address.

 

[shimmerz]

Can you imagine the situation reversed? What would you be thinking if you were her? What would help you, if you were in the situation?

It was reversed at one time (house of horrors time). I was horribly embarrassed for my friend. I didn't allow it to happen again. So this friend and I are different in that way.

I am not certain if she is dragging me into a 'f* you' to her husband (I can talk to whoever I want to whenever I want to). That is basically what the arguing is about when I call. She is screaming in my ear and he is screaming at her and the kids are screaming to get them to stop screaming.

That's junior high shit.

It is. And I feel like I need to stand up to this. It is really difficult, after all of this therapy, getting healthier, acting healthier, thinking everyone ELSE is healthy, and realizing that very few people are not on some sort of auto pilot.
Doesn't matter if I am healthier or not, people still don't freaking understand me. I know I have been crystal clear in all of this drama. Maybe it is about my understanding that sometimes people haven't WANTED to or can't understand what I am saying because of their stuff, not mine. I always took it to be about me.

I think she is just going to have to step up to the plate and help herself, stand my ground, and be there for her if she takes positive steps forward.

think that perhaps you should steer the friendship toward email only for the time being and block her husbands email address.

I think this is most likely the best idea. I won't throw it in my friends face.... but trust that she has stuff she needs to work out and I am not going to play the broken record bit anymore.

This is very sad but at the same time very freeing to know that what I said was crystal clear and I can step back from it. Normally I would be ruminating about it for so long. Clear communication is so important. This has been an invaluable lesson. I really appreciate all of your input. :hug:

Yes, your boundaries are appropriate. Stand by them.

Yes, I think they are. Thank you. I will.

 

[stillstanding2]

I think she is just going to have to step up to the plate and help herself, stand my ground, and be there for her if she takes positive steps forward.

That's healthy. Your friendship is not a weapon that either one can use against the other. Their dysfunction is theirs to fix--or not. It's somebody else's bad weather. Stay where it is safe and sensible.

 

[ghotiff]

I struggle with understanding boundaries and how they work so if I'm wrong, I'm open to the discussion.....

But....To me a boundary only works if it's..
If you do x then I will do y

At the moment your boundary is: if you call me at home then I'm no longer your friend. But this is a boundary you don't want to enforce because you want to be her friend.

How about another "y" option. Eg
- I will hang up
- I will give you only 5 more minutes on the call and then I hang up
- I won't take your call again for one week/month

 

[stillstanding2]

If you do x then I will do y

This is a good point, and is at least what you can non-verbally enforce for yourself. I mean that, given that your friend seems not to hear your stated boundaries, it could be because she isn't able to in her depression. Nevertheless, your boundaries are there and you already have tried to convey them. There may be no sense in restating yourself in words. Possibly by doing y when she does x, without further explanation, might finally convey your boundary.