General Advice please - she's avoiding, going to quit psychologist

[catelvis]

First post here... My partner dropped a bombshell saying she wants to quit going to her therapist -- her only confidant, and supporter since 2012. After one disturbing session, she says she feels betrayed. Apparently, a lot of issues were reviewed Friday, which sent her into DEEP reflection all weekend with ups and downs, cleaning obscure things, not eating anything but sugary cereal and hiding for hours.

I'm a sufferer too, and due to serious physical health issues/newer traumas, I've not been emotionally available to her -- not that she ever really opened up to me before that. We've been together 20 years now. Probably should have ended long ago, but here we are, I'm highly dependent on her now, and she's held on for some reason. Anyway... she claims this one isn't about me. Just thought I'd share the dynamics here.

I feel she's avoiding again... her primary pattern. She REALLY needs this person, and needs to learn how to discuss a problem in a difficult relationship... perfect example here without the complications of marriage, shared home, etc. She's extremely volatile, very quick to jump to conclusions, anger, feeling abandoned. She still mentions suicide occasionally, avoids me, avoids social situations, hoards (filled the house and bought an outside container for storing more stuff), still gaining weight (up 130 pounds), refusing to discuss important joint issues with me, refuses to take time off work, her anger and avoidance cause us serious problems.

She claims she's thought through this, and isn't reacting --- but she is reacting harshly to just one session! Nothing I've said this weekend has been helpful. My attempts to listen and offer consideration in the most polite and compassionate way (that I can -- it often doesn't come out soft enough at first... I am trying!). All of this comes out as critical advice in her mind. She told me this is what she's thinking but won't tell me what was said to her... reacting like a big trigger just to repeat her own words back to her about how she felt -- "betrayed". She talks about trust, saying she realises the only person she can trust is herself. She used to trust this psychologist.

Her plan is to dump the psychologist at the next session this Friday. Is there anything I can say or do to get through to her? I really don't want her to lose this support. AND it's FREE support, that she wouldn't be able to just re-start. The system would probably make her wait 8-18 months and she wouldn't get anyone as supportive as this psychologist has been. (I know the system as a former patient. Complexity is not handled well.)

What would you do?

 

[shimmerz]

I'm highly dependent on her now,

Sounds like, from this statement, that there isn't much you can do. If you are highly dependent on her I am guessing you won't be able to say 'if you quit the therapist I am leaving'. That - to me - would be your only recourse to force her hand to stay with this therapist.

Is it possible that the therapist has done something that is irretrievably forgivable? Can you ask to go see the therapist that day as well? Can you ask to send a letter with her voicing your concerns?

Otherwise, I can't see much else besides having her make her own decision on this one. Do you?

 

[Justmehere]

She REALLY needs this person, and needs to learn how to discuss a problem in a difficult relationship... perfect example here without the complications of marriage, shared home, etc.

She may or may not really need this one person. After 6 years with one therapist and continuing to a lot of struggle, what she may actually need is a new approach, other supports, etc.

She's extremely volatile, very quick to jump to conclusions, anger, feeling abandoned. She still mentions suicide occasionally, avoids me, avoids social situations, hoards (filled the house and bought an outside container for storing more stuff), still gaining weight (up 130 pounds), refusing to discuss important joint issues with me, refuses to take time off work, her anger and avoidance cause us serious problems.

All things you or the very best therapist can't change unless she's willing to do the work.

Try flat out validation that feeling betrayed after 6 years working with someone is very scary and painful. You can tell her that if she has considered the full 6 years of experience, and has all the information she can possibly have about what happened, has weighed all the pros and cons, and still wants to quit, it is her choice. Then you could suggest that if she wants to quit, to take a break, as an experiment to evaluate the choice. Then after that break, she can evaluate if it was better to work with the therapist or not, and have even more information to confirm this was the right choice or not.

You could also begin the process to see a couples counselor, and invite her along. Instead of making it all about her very real and legit struggle, focus on what you need, and that you need a couples counselor to make this work better. She may not go, but that's ok, you can still go yourself without her, and perhaps she will get curious and come along. That might be another way to work on the issues that impact you both.

 

[catelvis]

Thanks for your reply.

Giving her an ultimatum would backfire, been there. And yes, I need her, especially now (preparing for my 8th surgery abroad, 5th on my spine). I’ve not been invited before, don’t want to invade her (once) safe space. A letter might be received ok. Friends tried that with my doctor years ago. He wouldn’t accept it though, even with my awareness and permission. Times change, and this is a different country too. I’ll think about this one.

I want her to see how she’s avoiding, and living in her own head is so unhealthy. And how she needs some healthy confrontation about a relationship. Maybe the psychologist is pushing those buttons on purpose, in a controlled setting? I’ve been through some of that myself.

Do you know of any reputable resources that she could read for herself about sticking with therapy especially when it gets hard?

 

[shimmerz]

about sticking with therapy especially when it gets hard?

I don't know that this is the absolute only reason one would leave a therapist. I have left lots of them. Yet therapy really is important to me. And it is because therapy is important to me that I did leave them.

what she may actually need is a new approach, other supports, etc.

I am strongly agreeing with this statement. This is what I have had to do along the way. It has served me well actually. I leave one form of therapy and go towards something else.

I am very sorry to hear about your operation(s). That sounds like a really rough go. I can't even imagine.

Having had to depend on others myself, I am wondering if you have thought about your fear of her leaving her therapist as perhaps a projection of your own fears about your dependency on her? I mean, is it possible that your fears are cranked up right now and that is causing you distress over her therapy stuff that perhaps is ramping you up to be more sensitive than usual.

Please take no offense if this doesn't resonate with you. I know for myself that it was an issue so thought I would ask.

 

[catelvis]

@Justmehere

Thank you for the suggestions. Taking a break sounds like a good idea. She did have a break while the therapist was on maternity leave a few years ago, and each August. She does have good tools and did a few groups too. All helpful. Her issues are quite deep. It doesn’t seem too long, especially as these last 6 years have been my most difficult individually / our most difficult as a couple.

My own counsellor focuses on the relationship a lot. Maybe it’s time to try the couples thing again.

Thanks again.

 

[catelvis]

@shimmerz

Good points! She mentioned how imagery helped her (first I’d heard that from her was Saturday). I really benefited from art therapy (I’m an artist/designer), and maybe that would be a good thing for her to try next.

I’m in a much better place dealing with my physical illness, long way to go there too. Very long story. The financial burden is on her, so as surgery gets nearer her stress will be getting worse. No offence taken... but no, I don’t *think* I’m projecting there. I do fear her anger that comes out of seemingly nowhere. She’s a really good poker face, her survival tactic. I’ll pay attention to my feelings. Thanks for the tip!

 

[Justmehere]

Avoidance is a sign of underlying fear and anxiety. Confronting someone using avoidance will add more stress, and often the other person will retreat further. Ultimatums are usually not effective because they demand the other person change, and we don't have any control over anyone but ourselves. Boundary setting can be effective, and that's different than ultimatums. It's all about managing our own limits and what we will do in response to someone else making xyz choices. Since you are dependent on her, that gets a little harder, but not impossible. It may be that when she gets angry, you set and hold the boundary that you won't talk with her until she lowers her voice. No arguing, just walk away, or otherwise wait to engage until her voice is lower.

I'm glad you have a therapist that is helping you in this relationship. The more resourced you can be, the better.

I want her to see how she’s avoiding, and living in her own head is so unhealthy.

The best way to do this, is to actually focus on you. That's the only person you can control anyhow, and sometimes that can help a sufferer see how their choices affect others.

Example: One time, when I was super stuck in my own head as a sufferer in a relationship, I finally got out of my head when the other person said to me how they were feeling, in a vulnerable, honest, and nonjudgmental way. This isn't confrontation. Instead, try using language using "when you.... I feel...."

Example: "When you plan to quit treatment, I feel really scared. I'm worried I'm going to lose you." Saying how you feel is something that she can't easily refute. That might get a lot further than "you need to not quit."

She still mentions suicide occasionally

Can you explain more about this?

 

[catelvis]

@Justmehere

I see the difference of ultimatum vs. boundaries as you've explained. Thank you. Of course... I was forgetting that all important "I feel..." statement. I knew coming here would help, and I knew somewhere inside me I had some tools. How dusty... [grimace]

My counsellor isn't available this week, so I'm glad to have this extra help. He's fairly new to me. When I tried to spill a lot of emotions one session, the response wasn't great -- told me to bottle it! Hrmm. I'm skirting the actual traumas since. If I only get support through a few things, that's ok for now. I've enough on my plate. I've learned not to chew it all at the same time!

My partner hasn't mentioned suicide since February/early March. She admitted thoughts but no active plans. She acted on it once about 4 years ago with a very weak action (eating foods restricted by MAOI that would send her into hypertensive crisis, which have sent her to ED by accident before). She does mild self-harming (banging her head, digging at sores, binge eating, sleep deprivation, avoiding healthcare). I'm glad she admitted it to me. That was a bit of an eye-opener for me, and showing some trust in me.

I've not asked her point blank to stick with this, and wouldn't. I've phrased it as questions, like, "Would you discuss your disappointment with the therapist before making any decisions?" Ok, yeah, that's sort of a suggestion, not exactly neutral. She knows it's her choice, and I wouldn't be mad at her, very disappointed though. Hrmm. As I'm typing, I realise even more that I need to be very careful about phrasing things effectively. I was struggling a lot this weekend. I think I'm struggling more now than ever. Geesh... this is difficult! Sounds so effortless when you hear effective communication. I'm sticking with these I feel statements, and will journal a few so they are on the tip of my tongue!

Tuesday is phenomenally over-packed this week, so I won't be checking messages again until Wednesday. I do welcome further feedback though if you have more! Thank you!!!!

 

[catelvis]

UPDATE -- She came to her own conclusion, spoke with her psychologist and will be staying in therapy! YAY!

I did get a few opportunities to express how nervous I was, stuck with "I feel..." statements. She said that was a guilt trip. My counsellor heard all of this Monday, and said the guilt was a good thing. Her actions are not only hurting herself and needs to realise that. He gave me a few other gems of how to respond to her.

My apologies for not responding sooner. Thanks so much for the support last week! ?