Advice Please - Should I Try to Remember Being Molested?

[2quilt]

I would want to know.
I have flashbacks and partial memories at times, and some weird creepy feelings about things, similar to your feelings about why your son should not wear boxer shorts.
That's why i want to know everything, and EMDR helps me have more memories and flashbacks and gets more memories to come back so I can work on healing.
Yes, it hurts, but in the end, it's going to be for the best because I will be more healed, I hope. I am more healed now that I was 2 years ago.
I have memories of my father walking around the house in see through white cotton thin underwear. Our house was very old and the shower was in the basement and he would not let me cover myself with anything more than a towel, and I had to walk past him in the living room to get to my bedroom, wrapped in that towel after my shower. There were no locks on the doors. I should have killed him. He is dead now, but he will never be dead enough.
Your brain shuts off memories that are too terrible to remember so you can survive daily living when you are a child. You have to rely on those people to live. I think it's related to 'learned helplessness.' You just stop fighting back.
When I turned about 14 I stopped being passive and threatened to kill him with a cast iron skillet, and he reduced the abuse to verbal and the occasional hitting.
The younger memories, I assume, are going to be more than one-time events. When people molest children, they are caregivers, and they do it on a regular basis. If your instincts are about boxer shorts, you are probably right.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi 2quilt, hope your doing good.

Now that I think of it I could almost bet there is more than one perp that has abused me. I'm really sick of all this crap and think I need a break from it. I know my husband does.

I'm going to try and take a week off, of not thinking about it and then get to the bottom of it.

Take care
Tammy

 

[anthony]

Tammy, that is correct, in that it is a personal choice. Sometime you don't have the choice, and the memories just come back at some point in your life and tell you they must now be dealt with. If you have to go looking, so be it, though I doubt any person could tell you whether they watched you be abused... being the factual aspect of this. I would be quite careful though when a therapist tells you that you could have been abused when younger, because now your brain has become focused on this. You can believe with PTSD what you choose, though PTSD tends to take any negative aspect and amplify it and even create new trauma for you that never happened. Be careful IMHO....

I would never recommend hypnotism to remember trauma, not a good method. If you think something exists, go to an EMDR expert and tell them you think it exists, though EMDR will find it if it does. EMDR is a far better method of finding hidden trauma. If it doesn't find it, then disregard it and rule it out of your mind to then concentrate on further known aspects.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

The therapist that told me this said it about 18 years ago. I dismissed it and asked my sister (who is now dead) what she thought. She said I was safe and laughed at the thought of it.

If I was safe then how could I end up 5 blocks from my house when I was 5 years old? (I wont let my daughter leave the back yard) Not knowing where my mom was and locked out of the house. This happened all of the time. I didn't see my sister anywhere around either so how would she know. (Your right most people wouldn't know for sure unless they witnessed it)

Once when I was wondering around the neighborhood at age six I happened to bump into my brother who told me the Good Year blimp shoots bullets at little girls and I should go home. (This scared the crap out of me)

After that I didn't leave the house until the Good Year Blimp was gone. He probably did me a favor or I would have been abducted the way I wandered around the neighborhood at such a young age. I had men in cars stop and talk to me, and offer me rides. I was not safe by any means I was neglected.

Anyway, I found a place that does EMDR and will check into it. I think the price will be an issue though.

I may just let it go for awhile and let it surface on it's own (If it exists). I'm not so freaked out about it now as I was. For some reason the thoughts and feelings I had were making me shake inside and out. Then for two days I was on "lockdown" with no emotions or feelings about anything. Now I'm just plain sick of dealing with whats what.

Thanks for your input Anthony. I will sit on this for awhile and if it surfaces again I will go with the EMDR if I can afford it.

Tammy

 

[strawberryburns]

I've gone through all this too. Knowing things just weren't right. Things that you look back on as an adult and you KNOW it was inappropriate behavior. I have been told by several different therapists over the years that they believe I was molested but I have no direct memory of it. I never discussed this with my family so when it was brought up by my step satan that he thought I was probably spreading rumors that he had molested me...I found that suspicious. Like you, Seeking Nirvana, I got the courage up to finally ask a relative if there was anything that the family ever suspected. She broke down crying! She said that my mother was even confronted by family members, that they begged her to do something, to leave my step satan. She told them they didn't know what they were talking about. In a way I felt validated... the man makes my skin crawl, and I feel ill around him, feel like I need a shower after I am around him. It helped me to get information. He has always tried to label me mentally ill, defective and a liar. A lot of my emotional problems are a direct result of his actions as he was abusive in MANY ways, but he has a degree in social work and tries to use that credential to make people think I am insane. Throws out some bigs words and mentions his degree. The older I have gotten though the more I see that OTHER people see through his BS too, and that helps. What I'm trying to say is that with my memories being fuzzy but having so many red flags pointing to being molested and my symptoms being stronger around him...it was all a bunch of confusion that I didn't need added to the rest of the crap going on inside me... I needed some validation to be able to finally accept it and rightfully claim my anger. I will never be over it but the validation of his evils makes it a little more bearable for me to suffer through, my anger is a comfort sometimes and feels clearer in my head than fuzzy confusion.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi Strawberry,

I know this all sucks. I just spoke to another aunt yesterday and she stated that she heard that X molested me and my sister. So I have two conformations now that X was the one who molested me.

This aunt I spoke to had more information about the subject than the other aunt. But she couldn't tell me how old I was. I still don't have the whole picture of what happened and don't remember X ever bothering me like that.

I have went over and over my past, and when I remember being around him I have a few red flags but nothing that makes my skin crawl. It is frustrating not remembering.

I called a place that does EMDR and they told me they don't deal with repressed memories. I'm thinking about calling some other places though, because I want the full memory so I can move on.

Tammy

 

[anthony]

Tammy, your doing all the right things now... your learning slowly to what your brain is telling you. Your brain is telling you something you do not recall, so your going fact finding to help prove or disprove your memory.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I'm frustrated not knowing because I'm scared that it could be my dad. I doubt it was, but I couldn't handle it if it was, I would die. If it was one of my uncles, brother or grandfather I won't worry about that.

I love my dad so much and I couldn't handle learning that it was him. I don't have any weird feelings about him or my brother but I haven't ruled them out.

As soon as I find out it wasn't my dad I can rest and move forward. I'm focusing on X though and I just don't remember anything.

Thanks for everyone's support and comments.
Tammy

 

[want to know the truth]

How can I know for sure?

I lived with emotional abuse, mostly garbage going on between my brother and father, but it really affected me. However, I suspect I might have been molested as a child. I have very few memories of my childhood, but sometimes someone will say something that jogs a memory. The closest thing I have to a memory is something my mother told me which means I must have told her something. I have four viable suspects, all from the same family (not my family, a friend's family). Let me preface this with saying one of the girl's brothers has Down syndrome. Mom told me he used to try to get me on his lap, and the one day after he did this he followed me home. It's possible he was being abused and was doing something to me as a result. I have no memory of whether he molested or raped me. After her brother followed me home I never went over to my friend's house, but we would talk across the street. I've seen her twice recently and both times we only said hi. So basically I haven't talked to her in a long time so I can't just approach her next time she's visiting her mom and ask if she was abused and if anyone there did anything to me. I'd have to work into her confidence after all these years.

Also, I refuse to undergo hypnosis. I'm already suspicious about whether I was abused (when I put the pieces of my life together it seems possible) so I don't want to risk being fed suggestions. What else can I do to find out for sure? I need to know, I need to remember!

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello truth, welcome to the forum :hello:

Sometimes I think we can't/ don't remember things because they are too unbearable to recall.

I think as you find some healing and peace they will come naturally closer to the surface if they exist, as you (as my friend cragger said) "get the courage to peek around the corners".

Then, you can "explore" the thoughts/ memories without them being a mixed-up jumble that is too devastating to face.

Much peace and healing to you.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi Truth,

I have let the issue go because I had a mental breakdown trying to push myself to remember. Every other day I would have a repressed memory or a memory that I did remember, but was weird, surface. It would cause me to break down and cry. (I'm not a crier either) It was never a molestation memory though, but some memories that felt strange.

I decided it was time to stop pushing because these memories were popping up randomly and at very inconvenient times. Like driving down the road, which scared me because I almost wrecked.

However, once this started I couldn't make it stop, and the memories just kept coming unexpectedly, and for some reason anger took over, and turned me into a raving monster.

I was mean and vicious to everyone around me. The good thing is I stood up to an abusive friend and told her to get out of my life and stay out, but then I went and cut up my wrist (which I have never done before in my life) Then from that I went into the hospital. I stayed there for almost 2 days until I felt I could go into society without harming someone.

Once I was released I was still very angry at that ex-friend. The anger didn't subside for at least a month. I think the anger was my defense mechanism to keep those memories from popping up because I don't have them anymore.

From that experience I learned not to go poking a stick into a hornets nest (as my good, non-abusive friend stated) The "need to know" things has gotten me into trouble. I have to either let it surface when it's ready, or accept I may never know one way or the other, and I'm OK with that now.

It's a fine line to know the difference, but my body was telling me not to go looking and I didn't listen. My mistake!

I found that some things need to be dug into for healing purposes while other things don't. It's a personal choice and an individual case by case basis, that only you can decide. I just wrote about my experience so you know what could happen to you if you push yourself to hard.

Good Luck!
Tammy

 

[aoutlaw]

Trying to remember also

This is my first post so I hope I do it right. I cannot remember any of my childhood for the most part. Just little pieces here and there while journaling. My psychiatrist finally talked me into seeing a therapist after a year. She asked me about my childhood. I couldn't remember anything to tell her. She asked me if I had been abused, witnessed a death, or anything traumatic. I said no. She told me that all my symptoms that my Doctor had put in my chart was 99% sure it was PTSD. I went home and journaled as she asked me to do. I journaled and had 2 memories that I thought were dreams. I called my sister who is 4 years older than me. I told her about what was going on and my memories that I had just had. She started to cry and said, I am so sorry I didn't have any idea he was doing this with you, too. Pretty much confirmation, right? Went to my therapist the next day and talked to her about what I had found out. While doing so, I had my first panic attack. It took a while for me to get through it. Funny thing, my panic attack was a flashback, too. I remember doing that when I was much much younger. A couple of days later I took 4 week medical leave to attend a recommended outpatient program.

My point in all this is I am obsessed in finding out for sure if this was in fact my ex step dad. I looked his number up New Years Eve and called him. I left a message on his answering machine. It has been 25 years since I have seen him or heard his voice. He called me back today and I spoke to him. I kept a businees like tone with him. Basically, he denied abusing me. I just want answers so I can have closure and move on. I need to know. Was I just a dirty little girl?? I feel so alone and alienated. I am doing the best I can, but there are some days that I am feeling strong, but most days the not knowing is consuming me.

Thank you for letting me vent a bit.