Advice Please - Should I Try to Remember Being Molested?

[freya]

Seeking Nirvana, I haven't been able to read all of this thread as closely as I'd like to. I wanted to say that I have just read the book 'Waking the tiger' by Peter Levine and he is saying some very interesting things on exactly this topic of 'remembering'. I thought it was very insightful, but I don't feel able to reproduce the core of it here. I'd recommend the book though. The part about memories is somewhere near the end of it.

I can also share that I can relate to some of the things you said. I've been hospitalized for psychosis when I was 24. Part of my psychosis was that I 'knew' or 'remembered' (during psychosis) that my father had sexually abused me. I don't think this really happened to me - I think he crossed many of my boundaries though and there were events in which he did not respect my physical (nor my emotional) privacy.
Later on I got a second psychosis because nurses/therapists began to suggest that my 'delusion' was correct.
I just went literally crazy from wondering about this stuff and trying to remember.
The fact that someone, especially a 'specialist' like a therapist suggests that this happened, in my eyes is very detrimental. It confuses you more.

The comments by Peter Levine offered a new perspective on the topic of memories and their importance in dealing with trauma.

Freya

 

[freya]

On second thought maybe I can try to express what I understood Peter Levine to say... but I'm not sure I can word it correctly.
My impression is that he says something like: in order to heal, it is not important to remember EXACTLY what happened. Memories are not reliable ever (and next he explains this rather well). What is important for healing is to take the SYMPTOMS you have and the feelings you experience seriously.
He states (if I understand correctly) that it's possible to heal the trauma without really knowing if your memories are 'real' or not.
He also states (if I get that right) that one can have PTSD also from events that to others or outsiders, do not even appear to be traumatic. He says PTSD can/will develop based on how the individual experiences the event.

This to me made a lot of sense. Even if it may not answer all questions. I can imagine you still want to know who abused you in order to prevent others, maybe your children, from being abused as well. In that respect remembering correctly may be important. But as I understand Levine, remembering is not essential for healing.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi freya, I have one of his books and for some reason I think it may be that one. He spoke of how an animal is traumatized by another animal and if it survives it has to shake off the trauma otherwise it will die out in the wilderness. It has something to do with our instincts.

I've read over 20 books on trauma, molestation, anger, healing, understanding dreams, psychology, philosophy etc. I've come to realize that I can let those memories go and heal. I also realized I don't have to understand my anger to move forward. The "need to know" has held me back in my recovery and I didn't even know it until last week.

I decided that the things I don't understand will just sit on a shelf and I will work on the things I do understand and can fix, with the hope that I will figure those things out when they are ready to surface. If they don't surface and sit on the shelf for ever I'm OK with that.

I will never be perfect in my healing process. I will never get "there" because the future projection of being completely healed is an illusion. I worked on my healing today and today I healed a little more than I did the day before it, and the day before it etc.

Thanks for responding
Tammy

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

OK, I found the book and it's called "Healing Trauma" A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body by Peter A. Levine

So, I read one of his books but it wasn't "Walking the Tiger". I think when I bought the book I was trying to decide which one resonated with me. I was looking through the recommended books to buy when I joined the forum and I felt this one would help the most. But who really knows until you read the book.

I've bought several books that aren't worth the paper they are written on. IMO and some people love them.

Anyway, I just wanted to clear that up cause his name sounded familiar but wasn't sure about the title.

Take care
Tammy

 

[Exhausted]

Hi Seeking Nirvana,

Unfortunately, I'm posting this very late. Well anyway I hope that my story can help someone else deal with these thoughts.

When I was 17 yrs old I was watching a talk show and they had a therapist there hypnotizing children that were molested. While watching I became so ill to the point that I almost fainted. I got hot and cold flashes, starting hysterically crying and got a vision of a guy, thick glasses and me sitting nude on a kitchen plate. I had no idea what the hell that thought was about so I ignored it. I just thought that maybe I was thinking too deep into the show. Well a couple of weeks later I started to get more thoughts. All of a sudden I recognized the face; it was my older cousin. I thought I was nuts because I loved him and we always had so much fun. He is 11 yrs older than me and I always looked up to him. I ignored it and put those BS thoughts out of my mind until I was 25 yrs old.

At 25 yrs old I get a call from my mother saying my younger brother was trying to commit suicide. I asked her to call an ambulance and I would meet her at hospital. I get there they diagnose my brother as a drug addict. They tried to pump his stomach saying he took something to make him hallucinate. I begged the doctors to test for drugs to make sure because I would have known or seen a sign of heavy drug abuse. Well after several hours nothing shows up in blood. Now it’s time to figure out what’s going on. A couple of days later I get a call from his girlfriend and she says I have to tell you something but PLEASE do not repeat it. I said what she said I know what’s wrong with your brother..he was molested..I didn’t even let her finish I said OMG not my cousin X and she said YES. I then called my older sister and said same thing I need to ask you something but if it didn’t happen PLEASE forget I said anything and she didn’t let me finish, she said OMG you were only 3 yrs old. She also mentioned that my older sister was molested. After speaking with cousins we came to find out…WAIT for this one.. he did it to approx 7 people we asked…now we found out that his father did it to him and his many sisters (rape). Btw..my brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Now I’m sick to my stomach because now I’m starting to remember instances about my uncle but don’t know if now I’m digging too deep. It is healing knowing why we are so screwed up in so many ways, but it also opens a can of worms. I have become so distant from my family because the more I see them the more flashbacks I get. It’s hard for me to move on because I can’t sleep knowing that I’m allowing 2 criminals to continue their prowl on little helpless children. I also can’t use white dishes in my home. I can’t even write the words down their too painful. I also have deprived myself of marriage and children because I can’t bring someone into this world until I correct my life. I hope that anyone who reads this gets a little help from it. DON’T feel alone. I have sisters that have helped me through this and I finally decided to seek medical help. Talk to your family and dig if needed. You would be surprised how many secrets come out and how many others suffer like you.

Good luck and I hope you seek the help you need. PLEASE don’t ignore the thoughts but don’t try to dig too deep like I did. The final decision is up to you but from my experience and others it just becomes crippling after a while.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I agree exhausted. I kept digging until I had a rage attack, which was a defense mechanism to keep me from finding the truth. It was horrible and I realize I won't go digging again. If it surfaces on it's own then it is meant to be but I'm not going around poking at it.

The positive side of all this is that the rage attack has brought me great insight into my issues with anger, and from that I'm less angry than I have been since I was a child.

This may be short lived, but I'm hopeful that I made a huge break through that will last.

Take care
Tammy

 

[Grama-Herc]

You and I have spoken of this before. I am again in my manic phase of "I must know what "monsters under my bed"

I know it is not healthy for us to dwell on this. I know it is better to just let it go and work on known issues. I know the brain is protecting me.

But dam it! I absolutely loathe this void in my life. Not remembering is more frightening than anything else. My fear of the unknown is crippling me, emotionally.
I also think it is why I wake up in the mornings more tired than I was when I went to bed.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I'm sorry to hear this grama-Herc. I hope you can move past it soon. I know it's hard to do.

After what happened to me when I went digging I honestly can say that I don't care either way if I remember as long as it doesn't damage me further. I think I'm more afraid of knowing now then I was before it created a break in my psyche forcing myself to try and recall the gaps.

I wish you well
Tammy