Advise Me Please - I Shared It All To Husband And I Got Nothing Back

[timetorecover]

Ok, so it is days later... I am thinking more about this subject daily and as much as I realise that I do not expect any understanding as you cannot fully unless you have experienced it. But, what I was actually after from my husband, was an understanding of my experience. Is that wrong to share?

I want him to understand PTSD too and try to explain it, not that I can.

@ Anthony - PLEASE would you consider writing a page for supporters on how to understand PTSD emotionally and chemically - in laymans terms..:sneaky:

 

[timetorecover]

Just found the info! Sorry !!!

 

[Eleanor]

and, as an aside, I might mention that ALL the stickies at the top of various forums are equally awesome:)!

Happy reading for you and your H!

 

[mamachick]

My husband has never gotten involved with anything in my life and we seperated years ago. We still talk and he says he wants to help. About a year ago, I shared that I have been diagnosed with ptsd. When something comes up and I tell him, he always says he wants to help. I say something like, what do you want to do to help. (because I remember that he would never even look in a book or google it)

I think it is how he thinks. It has never really occurred to him to even google it and gain some understanding on his own. I dont want to blame it on gender but a difference in people, although I do think females are often more "seekers of infor' in an attempt to understand.

 

[ProudWife99]

timetorecover - Such a frustrating place to be! My husband and I go back in forth with the concept of "understanding." When I first learned of his PTSD (before our wedding) I figured his meds and doctors would keep it under control and it wasn't my problem. Not that he tried to make it my problem, but I ignored it. It wasn't until things got worse that I was forced to seek out some information. I know you are frustrated that he doesn't respond in a way that offers you comfort, but know that sometimes we just don't know what to say!

I, too, recommend you read the stickies on all of the forums as they helped me and my H tremendously.

 

[ClairBear226]

I've had similar issues with my husband. I married the love of my life. He's a good husband, a good dad, and he's been there for me for 19 years, through thick and thin. But I think he has a natural tendancy to want to "fix". And lets face it, PTSD is not curable, so that's a pretty hard thing for him to actually accomplish. Add to that my own resistance to talk about this crud, or even admit when I'm having a hard time, and he's got his work cut out for him.

His natural tendancy (and mine too) is to lapse into joke mode when something gets too serious, or uncomfortable, or he just wants me to feel better, and doesn't know how. With him, Patience is usually the way to go.

There's always a right time and place to approach him if I need to talk about something serious. When he's tired, hungry, has had a bad day, or a particularly good day, are not those times. And starting the conversation with, "Hey, Chuckles, I need you in serious mode for a bit." will sometimes help.

I've also found it helpful to have friends who are male, as it helps to understand the male viewpoint without the same hot spots that can be there between a husband and wife.

My best advise, though, is not to rely on him for ALL your support. That just isn't fair. Especially if you really feel the need to talk about the emotional stuff a good deal, and he's the type who isn't all that comfortable navigating those waters. There are forums, therapists, and friends who are comfortable with this kind of thing, and he needn't be your only source of support.

 

[ericaboo]

I think my ex-husband would have been better off saying nothing at all than all the un-supportive things he did and continues to say...

Sometimes if you have nothing valuable to say, it's better to say nothing at all, no? If the tables were turned, I would be researching my partner's condition and trying to figure out the best ways to offer support. In fact that's exactly what I did when my ex was diagnosed with bipolar.

But... not everyone is capable or would even think to do that. Not everyone is cut out to be a supporter - takes one heck of an amazing person really... I hope to get well enough that my next relationship won't be all about one person supporting the other.

hopefully each one would be doing self-care, with the other person being compassionate and open to help only when absolutely needed.

Thick skin required, and the ability to allow the other person their space...

 

[BloomInWinter]

Really, it is asking alot of anyone to understand us, I think.

I no longer frustrate myself with an unfair expectation that my hubby - or any human - could perform.

I only need his acceptance of me, and him taking certain actions when I am displaying symptoms. So, if I'm distracted and can't look him in the eye, he knows that is not the time to approach difficult topics.

We don't need understanding to heal, thank goodness. Otherwise, I hate to think where I would be. Because most of the time, I have NO idea what is setting me off.

Nobody can read my mind.

..and I can't read anyone else's later. So, if someone says something, I only act on that as truthful....and if they meant something else but were expecting me to 'feel the pain' of their passive-aggressive negativity, well, I've taken that manipulative power away from them. It's made dealing with some relatives and people at work much more peaceful.

It's a great feeling to have my energy no longer committed to doing what I *think* others want me to.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When I first got diagnosed, my husband did not believe me. So th e 2 of us were very ignorant of what we were dealing with. It was a real mess for us for years. You are lucky to have this forum. Your recovery will go very well because of the good and healthy support you will get here.

Remember he is ignorant and uneducated. He is just cruising along. You have been together for a long time. I think you will make it through this. Watch your expectations so they do not lead to resentments. I wish you the best.

 

[mamachick]

My ex is very passive, he is usually an avoider, but on occassion is agressive, which I like even less.
He has never been protective. When my grand baby died of sids, he left me to all the arrangements myself. Thats how he is. Dont expect and you wont be disappointed-in general. Now with the ptsd, I lack the skills to make humor when things are tough, I seem to just want to escape away.

 

[timetorecover]

I have learnt to try not expect and then I will not be let down.
However I can not work out if his avoidance is a coping thing , not caring or ignorance.
I am so grateful to have the support here that I crave so much at home.
Thank you x

 

[mamachick]

timetorecover-like you, I am grateful for all of the support here.
He is still my ex, we have tried to re-connect. There was no abuse, adultry, or addiction, and I would think that would make it easier. Somehow it does not.