Affection and Emotional Involvement

[cragger65]

For me, I know how I felt coming on the forum for the first time. Scared. And it was people making me feel safe, and as comfortable as I can, being and posting here. Therefor I can well imagine how other people feel. Does it not make sense to offer the same thing that we all wish to recieve? A little understanding, some perspective, in a non-judgemental environment?

As for She Cat's post that "this is not real", I disagree. I genuinely care for others' well-being here on the board, and have REAL feelings arise as a result of these interactions. Some positive, the odd time negative, sometimes confused. But these feelings are real, as are the people that I'm interacting with - their feelings are real, too.

The board is, as my T would call it, a good "low impact" way of dealing with these feelings, which is about all I can handle right now. If it weren't for the board, I'd just be numb. Would I meet someone off the board? That would depend on proximity and how close we were emotionally, but yes, I would meet someone. Given we all tend to need a pretty broad comfort zone, I don't see the point in pushing it.

I am curious Nicolette - do you view it as problematic somehow that people are kind to each other here? I'm trying to understand that part.

 

[anthony]

But it just kind of confuses me because I haven't actually read his personal story concerning PTSD, and then I think, "wait, why aren't there a bunch of counselors on this site?

Hi Aaron,

My personal story is all over this site... you would have to look back in more early postings though when the site was created. We didn't have diaries and such when I first created this site.

There is a very good reason this site is not full of counsellors... because if it was, many would not be here. There are legal issues with counselling online with credentials.... being you just can't do it. They can provide information, but they cannot provide specifics to an individual online. I know pretty much what a counsellor knows from years of reading... then I have PTSD myself from my military service. There are a few others here who actually do have formal qualifications along with PTSD, though they no longer practice, hence why they do give specific advice... actually I would say there are over 10 members here with such credentials... though they are not made public all over the place.

It is a like some shrinks who are members here... they cannot give specific individual advice online because they would lose their license to practice. It is a medical field, therapy that is, which means it is governed by confidentiality, privacy and many other laws. They could share their opinion, though opinion and advice can be a fine line.

 

[A-RON]

Hey, thanks Anthony. I appreciate the info. I'm tempted to ask you more, but somehow I don't think the answers matter. Thanks for responding to this post.

 

[becvan]

What I don't understand, and sorry in advance as sometimes I can tend to think too laterally, is how come there is such a large and open display of affection and emotion amongst people who hardly know each other? Sometimes a new member posts hugs and kisses in their very first posts. Is it the relief of feeling safe that allows such an openness so early on? I just find it doesn't quite add up for me as I know so many here have spoken of trust issues yet openly display affection to people who they have only ever read a post by....is it safer to be open with people here as it is not as close and personal as real life?

It's not real life. I'm not really a gushing huggy person (not even on here unless it's someone I've come to that point with) in real life. But on here. It's a faceless person to be honest. The chances of me ever running into anyone from on here are rather slim. Plus people think I'm blunt now.. LOL they'd run screaming at how blunt I really am in real life...

For clarification, for those of you I've known for a long time and have chatted with (or haven't) I do not consider my long time associates and freinds as faceless people. I'm being more general about overall interaction rather than my longterm relationships on here.

bec

 

[patrick]

During the last few days I have worried that somebody I know in the real world where I live might stumble onto this forum and recognize me from my posts and my profile. When I first came her I was fairly careful what I said for that reason, but decided that the information I gave about myself was an important part my recovery. I know I look a hell of a lot better in writing than I do in person. And many of the things I've said about how I'm feeling on this forum are things I would never say to anybody in person. I do try to express a certain amount of caring and encouragement to others here. Part of it is because I do care, and admittedly, part of it is to look good. If there was going to be a get together of everybody within a two hour drive of where I live, I don't know if I could go or not. I think that when I express affection, and that has never been a strong point for me, I genuinely mean it. I have no way of knowing whether or not what people say on this forum is true, or if the images they present are anywhere near accurate, so I just choose to believe what I read and to respond to the personalities as presented in writing. And so far it's working for me. I feel good here, even though it is just words typed on a screen. Those words respond to my words, and everybody gets to present themselves how they want to be seen.

Hope this is clearer to everybody else than it is to me. Honestly, sometimes I have no idea why I spend time here and why I have come to like so many people who I will likely never see or talk to. But I do look forward to getting back here to see how people are doing every day.

Pat

 

[Nicolette]

I even know members that have added the word "hugs" to the end of their post, but meant it in a very sarcastic way, so not everything is as it seems.....

I've been thinking about this statement from Wendy and I think it is really sad if true.......like when do you ever start being real as I come here and take things on face value; now I wonder should I be looking for some cryptic underlying meaning as you can't read tone and some sarcasm? I may misinterpret things on here on occasion but it I'm not here to play games and I hope others aren't. I do understand that it takes all types to make the world go around but I would hope that those in this little part of the world would be wanting to help themselves understand and deal with PTSD.

While I understand that to some the forum is not a real world/place.....I have found it to be a place of education and learning with answers I couldn't find in books as I don't have the time to read on going literature searching for an answer that someone with first hand real life experience can answer in a post.

 

[Seychelle]

I haven't been round much for a while, but this thread caught my eye.

What I don't understand, and sorry in advance as sometimes I can tend to think too laterally, is how come there is such a large and open display of affection and emotion amongst people who hardly know each other?

Apart from my SO, I'm particularly not affectionate with anyone in real life. It feels odd to do it online unless I know the person really well. I've been on other support forums and I've often felt like a freak because others seem to find the :Hug_emoticon: helpful from strangers and I rarely do. I'm further through healing and it's still not my thing and I suspect it never will be. But maybe it feels natural to others, I don't know.

I feel a bit unsure of people when they use hugs and kisses a lot on here. I feel they are a bit insincere.

Heh, I feel like that on any forum, not just here.

 

[morgan]

When I offer hugs it is usually because someone touched my heart or they are a particularly good friend. There are a couple of people on here that I feel connected to and they deserve my hugs cause they have reached me in some way and helped me to grow and heal. I don't give hugs to everyone though. My hugs are special and heartfelt.

On the other hand, I am also able today to give hugs in real life. I am a warm and caring person of late. I couldn't have said that a year ago and likewise did not give hugs on here as freely as I do now.

 

[becvan]

I have to say I just can't imagine how a hug (whether real or cyber) could possibly be sarcastic. Even for me, when I post giving someone a hug I absolutely mean it. I take most things on here at face value (I just don't let myself get very involved anymore) and wouldn't even consider such a thing. I'm not sure how one could even infer that a hug is sarcastic? The person giving the hug would be the only one who knew the intent.

Nicolette, I don't think that statement is true. At least not from my view point.

bec

 

[A-RON]

I don't know about sarcastic, but I do know about fake hugs. It bothers me when someone isn't really concerned about you but they give you a hug anyway, or they give you fake sympathy, like you're a dog. I hate it when people are fake. I like authenticity. I like it when people can relate to me and I to them. And I think the people on this forum are authentic and empathetic, so the hugs "should" be genuine. Unfortunately, I think a few of them aren't, but then again it takes a lot of types.