Afraid to feel

[ShariWP]

U have just explained my past 2 weeks since my last EMDR session! I started EMDR 3 months ago, all I have is my go to anger that is now turning to very frequent rage, I used to do kick boxing and hung the bag again, after the last session I spent an hour and a half punching kicking screaming and crying. I felt really good after (until the unused muscles woke up the next morning and I couldn't get out of bed). The weeks that followed have been the worse hell so far, but this morning I had an epiphany that has opened up a whole new world of understanding myself and why I have had no control over some things that I do and have done that has made me feel like shit about myself, and that realization has made all this hell I have been going threw worth it in a way. I did realize I have no other real emotion but anger/rage and I frequently fake the rest around other people. I am terrified of having other emotions cause I realized if I showed any weakness as a kid it would disgust my mother and I would get the shit beat out of me. I guess emotions are just another terrifying prospect of these session to look forward to. They will show up when my mind thinks I am able to handle processing them. Until then I will try not to end up in jail ;)

 

[Genuwine]

Sounds about right @ShariWP EMDR can be hell. But, the connections it helps my brain make just absolutely amaze me! It’s so worth it, even if it is hard work. Slowly but surely I’m healing. I’ve been doing EMDR for almost a year now.

Sounds like you have a safe way to let out your anger. Sometimes I’ll go to the gym and just run. It helps me let out my anger. I have also learned to have my “tantrums” on my bed. Otherwise I injure myself when I punch a wall or a table. The emotions can be a bit of a roller coaster. But, it’s healthy to let them out, even if it is hard.

Wishing you all the best on your healing journey!

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Genuwine i identify with everything that’s been expressed here. I am very avoidant. If I start getting too close to memories of abuse, I tank. My t won’t even start EMDR with me because he thinks it will harm me. I can’t tolerate any feelings that are appropriate. The most minor issue can reduce me to slime, or I just am numb for days at a time.

I am really trying to learn how to accept negative emotions, even just name the emotion. I’m living my life in a cocoon. I know I am missing out on friendships, I used to have a lot of friends at work. Now I only have 2 that I trust. They know what I’m going through and love me anyway. I do value that. But they are both extroverts and their social life is rich and full of interesting activities. Meanwhile I’m tucked into my home where I can just be.

I’m interested in knowing how EMDR goes for you. Maybe once you have learned how to identify your feelings, they won’t upset you and you can move forward and be free of those shackles. My rational mind knows that avoiding feeling doesn’t get me anywhere but stuck in the past.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am at the place in my life when it is so much better for me to allow myself to feel what I am feeling and to be able to talk about what I am feeling here in my diary.

I have a lot of resistance still on allowing myself to feel the most intense emotions and I fight so hard still. But with practise it is really helping me to realize that I am not going to die from the emotional pain. I still have a long ways to go but I can see that I am able more to see the good out of having feelings and what their uses are in my life.

 

[Genuwine]

EMDR is working for me! @KwanYingirl

I’ve been doing it for almost a year now. I have successfully finished processing one trauma to the point that I chuckle when I tell others about it and wonder why it ever made me so afraid/upset etc. I can’t wait to feel that way about the other traumas!

I am afraid to feel sometimes because I am so used to the after effects of EMDR (there are a lot of emotions that come with processing) that I sometimes psych myself out...it can be scary. But like @Rain said,

with practise it is really helping me to realize that I am not going to die from the emotional pain.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? With practice you do start to realize it won’t kill you to experience even the most intense emotions.

I wasn’t ready for EMDR when I was first diagnosed with PTSD and I knew it. As soon as I read up on it I said, heck no! But after some help with stabilizing my PTSD symptoms, CBT and talk therapy, eventually I knew I had gotten as far as I could go with these particular methods of therapy and that’s when I realized that I was ready for the next step, EMDR.

When your T says you’re ready and you decide to go for it, be brave, be determined, and roll with the punches. I assure you, it’s well worth the effort!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When your T says you’re ready and you decide to go for it, be brave, be determined, and roll with the punches. I assure you, it’s well worth the effort!

I am sorry for the misunderstanding Genuwine, I had EMDR so many years ago and free of my traumas. I am currently dealing with grieving my losses in childhood and some current from being estranged from my daughter and two grandchildren. Long story, will not go there. I am so happy tohear that EMDR is helping you, it totally changed my life for the better too.:hug:

 

[Genuwine]

Sorry Rain my last post was actually directed towards @KwanYingirl
I was only quoting you in it because I agreed with the said quoted sentiment.