Afraid to feel

[Genuwine]

Anyone else ever afraid to feel?

I am currently undergoing EMDR in therapy to help process multiple traumas. I have recently had a childhood memory return to me that I apparently repressed. The memory has slowly returned over the past 6 months and this past week I have finally seen the dark side of the moon. I was raped at around 7 or 8 by a friends older brother.

This new memory is terrifying me and I'm doing everything possible to distract myself. I have done enough therapy to know how much work this will take and how difficult this is going to be to process. I don't know what to do next although I have contacted my therapist and am awaiting a reply. I just needed to share this fear.

I'm at a standstill. I'm not ready to fully feel this. I am afraid to unleash this pain. I am afraid to feel...

 

[Rumors]

Oh yeah. Avoid it like the plague! I hope you hear back soon and come up with a plan that seems not to be overwhelming.

 

[Freida]

yep. yep and yep. Yesterday in EMDR for the first time I felt anger --- appropriately! It was still miserable, but it was interesting.

Other than that I can't do it. Feelings are the enemy. But -- after months of EMDR I'm learning that while they are the enemy and may destroy me if I let them out..... there may be a purpose to them. I'm starting to allow that just maybe someday in a parallel universe I may be able to feel feelings. If for no other reason than to get thru them and heal.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Genuwine.... It sucks.... That pain.... I used to cry every night.. I Mean uncomfortable... Uncontrollable tears... When i felt my pain.... Usually with a large glass of vino... In one hand...
I feel for you, I really do, more fu#king shite to deal with right.....

Let it out when you're ready... If that means punching a pillow, screaming into a pillow, getting drunk, whatever you need to do...

Im sorry that happened to you.... Bastard

 

[New]

@Genuwine oh my goodness! Same exact thing happened to me last summer and I’m afraid to do EMDR ever again.

I tried for months to avoid it but it hasn’t helped. It’s so hard and I’m sure like me you wish those memories didn’t return.

I’m currently trying to process each trauma on my own using the process posted on here. I’ll look the link up for you and add it shortly.

You are not alone and we can do this! But I would also love to RUN, AVOID, and TURN OFF FEELINGS.

 

[Genuwine]

Thank you for your sympathy @Xena Sometimes it's overwhelming. I feel like trauma follows me. It's too much, dealing with multiple traumas. It's like they all had a victim radar and tagged me. Where's my get out of jail free card?

Thankfully I have not suffered anymore new traumas since I've been married. But, I still have to deal with the aftermath and it sucks!

 

[New]

Link Removed

Here is the link. I hope you can open it. Anthony created the document and it is really great.

 

[Genuwine]

@Faith Andrews my last EMDR session was last week. It was so terrible I hyperventilated half way through the appointment and we had to pause so my therapist could ground me.

This is so tough! But I've done it enough to know that if I continue it will loose its power over me. So I will be brave and muddle through because I refuse to live in fear forever.

I'm glad I'm not alone

 

[New]

@Genuwine I hyperventilated too and passed out and it took me forever to feel better after. My husband was terrified when he saw me afterwards.

I feel for you and it just plain stinks what you have to go through.

Sending hugs if you accept and good vibes.

 

[Friday]

Anyone else ever afraid to feel?

Yep. And for good reason... I don't know how far I could go, but I know how far I have gone... and don't want to go there, again. Me, losing control, ain't pretty.

There's an end run around that. It's a legitimate, rational fear... which means that there are things I can do about it. Steps I can take to both stay in control, and to mitigate any damage I might do should I lose control.

It's the nice thing about rational fears, they're freaking useful warning signs.

 

[Gamereign555]

I had a really hard time with resurfaced memories from my childhood neglect years.

I had remembered bits and pieces and they were disturbing in their own right. It was like a strange void of fractured fragmented events that I couldn’t quite structure in my mind. I felt I could talk about what I could remember for sure… It was a timeline type thing.

I couldn’t fully explore the memories and remember things properly until I took the pencil to paper. I wrote down certain events that had occurred which I could remember but once I started to write how I felt some rather large blanks were filled in.


Something happened as the memories turned into feelings and they were flooding out of me as my true past came together to be a part of me again but this time with certain understanding and the feelings that come with that. At this point there is no blocking any feelings. They come out like a freight train. I have never felt anything like that before, trying to describe it doesn’t really do it justice.

I don’t entirely understand the benefit of vividly remembering a tramatic event versus not quite remembering it… Maybe someone could weigh in on that whether it’s worth it or not.

For me the release was immense but it wasn’t without feeling as if I was being re-traumatized. I was practically able to return to the room I was locked in and remembering the light fixture catching fire and the room filled with smoke.

I remember the smell of it. I remember being terrified as I called out for my stepdad to open the door only to hear him say it if I opened it he would beat the hell out of me. I open the door and let my three year old brother out of the room where he was punished. My stepdad made him pick up dog poop with his hands. I picked it up for him instead and took the beating myself.

There’s got to be an intelligent reason for needing to remember this stuff so you can talk about it I’m sure but reliving all these different messed up events are very unpleasant. Very unpleasant indeed.

 

[Genuwine]

I don’t entirely understand the benefit of vividly remembering a tramatic event versus not quite remembering it…

I think it's different for everyone. Some find peace in not vividly remembering every detail as a child. For me, I needed to vividly remember it to confirm that it was real and that it happened since it was a repressed memory.

I thought I was going crazy and making it up. I wondered why my brain was torturing me with a "new memory" when I already had plenty of torturous memories to contend with due to multiple traumas as a teen. This childhood memory came back first in a nightmare (his face) then slowly in flashes of pictures and sensory flashbacks (those are awful) Yet none of that was enough for me to believe it was real. I had to see everything in a full motion picture to believe it. I was in shock and perhaps denial and seeing it vividly helped me to accept what happened to me.

It's been hell now that I can remember it vividly, but I wouldn't take it back because being unsure of what exactly happened was driving me mad. Our imaginations can be dangerous, and the unknown was scary. I found (relative) peace in reality. I could not accept that I was sexually abused when I did not know how I was abused. Now I know and the mystery is solved.

But like I said, that's just me. Every situation is different, every person is different. Others may not doubt themselves the way I do. Others can accept abuse without vividly remembering every detail.