Afraid To Take A Small Step

[sun seeker]

So as not to make this too long, I'll sum up my present situation by saying there are several major stressful situations going on that I feel powerless to do anything about, which I have been coping with mainly by trying to distract myself, but depression and panic do find their way in.

Then as I was going through the list of these problems mentally I started asking myself whether there was one step I could take towards resolving any of them, just to get going in a positive direction and take the edge off the fear. About most of them, there honestly wasn't. The one where there might potentially be, is work. (I do have a little, just not enough.) While I feel really discouraged that because of all the trauma my work history has been so messed up and I've fallen so short of my potential, and while fixing all of that does feel impossible, perhaps there is something I could do to find one more client in the short term. Just one. Something like putting another ad in the paper or designing a sign. One thing.

Only I am having trouble finding that one thing that would feel relatively non-threatening so I can actually do it. Partly it's the fear of rejection (huge). But partly it's when I even start thinking about work and money, I can so easily go into panic mode. It's fear of not surviving, not being able to take care of myself, being homeless, and the feelings are so overwhelming so fast that it's easier to avoid anything that might bring them up. I know that is counterproductive. People say it gets easier with practice but I'm not convinced that's true. I was seeing an employment counselor who was working on getting me some funding for training, but when she told me I would have to do interviews with potential employers before getting the funding, I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I did them in the end but she never had any idea how much it took out of me. The fear of even signing those official-looking forms, for one thing, and the extreme difficulty picking up the phone and asking for something. Then after I got the interviews done she left her job, transferred me to someone else who never called me and I never called her because I was so exhausted by the whole thing and having so many doubts, and then the school I applied to turned me down and I just sank into depression and didn't do anything about it for the next two months.

Trying to haul myself up out of that pit, I'm trying to find a way to take one small step that doesn't send me into either panic or an even deeper depression. I know everyone's different but can anyone relate to this? Any ideas on how to find that one small step you can take on something you are afraid to even think about? Much appreciated.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Oh, I certainly identify with you! I had to give up a good career in medicine due to a chemical exposure that left me allergic to most everything chemical. I had PTSD to begin with, and this massive loss of financial security while single parenting two teenagers, just destroyed my self esteem. Massive worry about money, housing, health and all I knew how to do was take x-rays. I mean I can't even type. Paralyzing depression and nightmares, etc. no help from anyone I was just broken completely. I took a job at a garden center as I am knowledgable about that. It was therapeutic but paid lousy and I wanted to be a professional at something. I started small-one college course. Then more and more until I had my Bachelors degree with. 4.0 GPA. But still no job. Start over again. Learned to be an Electrologist and I have been self employed for 11 years. My children never lost footing. They both succeeded at college and have great jobs.

I get tired easily and I am also on disability. My job pays some money but I am not back to where I was when I got sick. Running a business requires flexibility and creativity. You have to make wise decisions about schedules and advertising. My state has a Womens Business Center that teaches women business skills and offers support emotionally. Every small business development agency can help you learn the skills to be self employed. Without this help, I would have caved in. Everything I do is baby steps. I don't have to listen to a boss or deal with coworkers. But I don't get benefits. Everything is a balance.

 

[franciemarnie]

I feel for you. I have had periods like that. If it were me, I would double up on mindful meditation and asking your body/mind or higher self or who or whatever you identify with for ideas. And be open to the idea it might be a new area you hadn't considered. Sometimes I have found when the Universe (or fill in blank) is blocking me and shutting doors, I need to turn in a new direction where there is a flow and not such a struggle.

For decades, I worked in AE design marketing management. The crash hit, I lost my job and I couldn't even get an interview. Actually, I did get one over the course of a year, but the entire time I was in the interview I felt something inside yelling, Get up and get out of here!!

So I started doing something artistic for fun at home. And kept doing it for fun with never a thought of commercializing the work or monetary gain. I kept it to myself until, Eureka! Now I am making money on it.

I do want to get a part-time real job in an area I love (not marketing management), so I get out with people and make extra cash. My first step is fixing the computer so I can create and print a resume.

You are not alone. One foot in front of the other. Sometime that's the next step. Just moving my feet across the room to eat something healthy or to work out. I get a lot of ideas after exhausting my thinking on a problem and then working out.

 

[sun seeker]

Thank you, Kwan Yingirl and franciemarnie. Yes, it's a common problem I know. The amount of potential lost due to trauma is mind-boggling.

There are good employment and self-employment programs in the area, but I feel even they are several steps ahead of where I am. For instance, there is an excellent ten-week program for women who have been abused and are looking for new directions in their lives and work. It sounds right up my ally but it's in a town an hour away, I don't have a car and couldn't find anyone to carpool with, and had I found a billet to stay there during the week, I would have had to give up the little bit of work I do have. Once a year or so there is a program here where they help you find employment directions and the woman who runs it is really nice and there is even some funding to live on while taking the program, but it's full-time and the nature of my insomnia makes it hard to commit to anything in the mornings. I could do it, but I know I'd be a zombie. There are a few more programs and each has large hurdles. Sigh. I don't mean to be negative or sabotage myself. These are real problems and when I look at them I realize how much help I need (and the therapist I've been wanting to work with hasn't called me back... got to keep working on that, too).

Franciemarnie, I am thinking about your suggestion to ask for guidance and be open to new directions. For me it is angels. I've gone through periods of communicating with them through dreams. I go to bed asking a question and - sometimes - get an answer. I can tell it's not from my own subconscious because the nature of the dreams is so different. The only trouble is they communicate so cryptically, I wake up and still have to try to figure out how to apply the answer in practical terms.

I'm trying to think of the right question to ask the angels. It isn't just about work direction, it's about self esteem, faith, and all kinds of other things. I wish I could follow the advice in books like Wishcraft and Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow, but the depression has gone on for so long that there isn't really anything I get that enthusiastic about anymore. The last few years have been a creative cesspool, just trying to survive.

 

[franciemarnie]

I so identify sun seeker.

Could you ask the angels something like, What do I need to know most in order to heal and move forward? Or what should my next step be in making a living? And please make it really obvious because I am not getting your symbolism.

Ideally, where is your heart when you think of options? I am wondering if the angels would make it easy for you to get a lift an hour away at that place if that is where your spirit is leaning.

Re: insomnia - ugh! Tell me about it. Maybe tell the angels you need help on this too so you can do whatever work you do. Or ask them for the energy to make it through the day, or the strength to deal with your exhaustion when you need your wits about you and you haven't slept.

I will be shocked if I get a job in this little place I am thinking of. It's really hard to find an opening there, but I feel if it's meant to be, the Other Side will work with me. All I can do is try my best.

I know people scoff at such ideas because they say, Where were the angels when we were subject to evil or abuse or... I say, people are sick or evil and those people have free will. But Spirit or angels or the Universe or God will help us to transcend.

It's a great mystery!

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks franciemarnie. I made a list of possible questions and then used a pendulum to choose one: What is the next step towards living the life I came here to live? I have so little idea anymore of what that life is, what is important to me... it's like being an autumn leaf blown around by the wind. I so admire people with a clear sense of purpose.

I do hope get the work you are hoping for. It's great that you know what you want and are willing to find a new direction.

As a lifelong spiritual seeker, I don't have pat answers to why bad things happen. There is the New Age philosophy that we create our own reality, and I have struggled hard with that concept. I've seen people use it really cruelly, in place of compassion for someone who is suffering. Do people living in places being bombed, or places suffering famine, attract that to themselves? Do children attract families that abuse them? Everything in me wants to scream at the suggestion. Yet there is an element of truth to the power of our thoughts and feelings to attract more of the same. The conclusion I've come to - for now - is that we co-create our reality. It's a complicated blend of genetics, life circumstances, influences seen and unseen, personal choice, and chance. We have some control over our destiny, but not complete control.

There are inspiring stories about people going through terrible things being helped to endure by angels or other benevolent beings. Why didn't those beings stop those things happening? Hard to know. Life is a complex thing and if I had all the answers it would be a whole different game.

 

[franciemarnie]

Sounds like you and me both have pondered the big questions in depth sun seeker!! I think it is beyond a human's ability to comprehend the mystery of it all. I like that there is mystery. Science pretends to have all the answers, but really only for that which scientists can comprehend. Einstein loved the mystery.

Budanyway, is the pendulum helping? I do a thing where I stand comfortably, feet together with my hands on my tummy. I ask my body/mind, What does "no" feel like today? And I involuntarily lean one way. I ask, What does "yes" feel like. And I will lean another. Then I will ask questions because I was so numb all my life, sometimes I don't know how I am feeling!!

Right now, my body says Yes! to spaghetti!! Yay!

 

[sun seeker]

Sometimes with the pendulum I know I don't get the right answers but whatever I need to hear at the moment, so it isn't 100% accurate. I like your method, will try that. I can get so frustrated with the advice to "follow your heart" or "do what feels right" because the voice of fear can be so much louder than the voice of intuition.

Funny... I had spaghetti for supper too!

But no answer as yet to my question, except the nudge to change it slightly to "what is the next step towards living at my fullest potential?" Because as I realized while washing dishes, the pressure to "live the life I came to live" invalidates what is happening in the present moment and even these low places are part of the process.

 

[Ancient trees]

i identify on so many levels...

 

[Freedomfighter]

So as not to make this too long, I'll sum up my present situation by saying there are several major s...

I find that taking little steps is so much safer for my psyche. Because that makes me actually more productive and I make smarter choices with my goals.

I can not stand it when someone attempts me to force into anything that requires more than little steps, can not stand it when someone attempts to force their often unproductive ways into my life.

 

[lantran]

Thank you, Kwan Yingirl and franciemarnie. Yes, it's a common problem I know. The amount of potential lost due to trauma is mind-boggling.