After 15 Years I Could Love Again But No She's Gone

[Salty1976]

First time I've been here. I was diagnosed this Monday.

15 years ago I was in a car crash with my girlfriend she died at the scene I saw her head open and dead before I went unconscious. Woke up in hospital 3 days later we were in New Zealand. Was in hospital for 3 weeks no family no friends. Flew back home and began to cope with the grief.

Was misdiagnosed with just social anxiety disorder. Put on Paxil hated that stuff..... Took myself off and self medicated. Years went by and had other girlfriends mostly from work. Hard for me to go out and meet people. Never really felt deep love.

Then she came into my life, she pursued me and from the 2nd date I felt love like I did 15 years ago and even stronger. We were together 7 months just got back from vacation and she left.

Is it possible that feeling that love again triggered what I buried so deep? I mean I said I loved her everyday but she said I would shut down. I did it cause I did not want to argue and hurt her feelings. I was never aggressive with her in fact I felt like I always wanted to protect her. Then I would feel trust problems and over thinking, pacing at night I didn't see it coming back. I didn't know.

Now I'm full blown feeling like I did 15 years ago. And worst of all I work with her, so now at work I'm even depressed when it was not bad in the past because I'm a chef and work 70 plus hours a week.

Anyways thanks for listening can't sleep. Yukiko you are always in my heart r.i.p.

shawna I believe you are soulmate. I love you.

 

[Echo]

Yes, for me, too, it was finally letting myself get close to someone and then have them abandon me (an old pattern), that triggered me into CPTSD a year ago. All the trauma I'd never dealt with has come up all at once. The pain seems all to be associated with this man, although my therapist tells me most of it is my old unacknowleged pain. Trying to separate out the different grief(s) is so hard.

This is very hard for you if you cannot put some distance between yourself and this woman. Not necessarily permanently but long enough to work out what is really going on and to get safe emotionally.

Take care of yourself. These people come as angels on our pathway to greater healing, I believe. If we allow ourselves to heal, maybe they will still be there or someone else even better suited to us.

 

[Salty1976]

Thank you.. She has seen help for panic disorder in the past and got me to go seek help. I just thought she would have hung in there but I guess maybe I stirred some feelings in her that brought back up anxiety. Oh and I didn't mean to say just..... social anxiety ....... I know it's very painful too. I apologize.

 

[Barconian]

Give her space I guess! Be patient...