DID After all those years... How can I gather these parts ? I want to feel complete.

[Prettybluerose]

Hi Lightblues !

Our psyches are very complicated.
Sometimes that fact buggs me to no end.

See, that's why we are inconsistent defining ourselves. If in every specific situation it was always the same part who would front to handle it, then we could more easily know the way we function.

I don't know if it is your case but I think it is easier to attempt to know who I am when alone with myself than when confronted to others. Despite the fact that triggers come from the outside...

I have been told that most of them love me, want to protect me, and to be in touch.

They want to be in touch but they can't, is that right ?

We can dissociate / almost go away , and snap at people when triggered, if we feel offended or mistteated in some way. Those triggers are huge, reminds me and us of the past.
I always feel stupid or guilty afterwards, wish we/ parts didn’t react to whatever was going on.
At the time we can’t help it though.

Is there something you could so you won't go away ?

For example, one thing I hate is having the feeling of loosing control. I've had discomfort to the point where most people would have passed out for sure. But as I hate to not know what's going on because anything could happen, I do everything I can so I don't pass out even when my blood pressure is very low.

When it comes to dissociation, seems to be even harder. Sometimes, when I want to stay anchored, I pinch myself as hard as I can. I barely feel something though. I can get what people say but at least I am less " in my head " if you know what I mean.

I didn’t want to live/ decided to end my life.

So happy you've found the strength to go on...

I find it easy to keep quiet and shut down if and when not believed.

There's not doubt about it being easy... But most of the time, I don't have any self assurance. When I am impressed by someone, I can't even speak properly and defend my opinion. Making sentences can be difficult. I feel so ashamed and ridiculous that I don't even try.
As I said, I was gifted as a child. Yet, some days, I feel like I have an pretty low IQ.

I feel way too complicated inside and sadly have dropped out of therapy due to that.

You need to find a therapist who's commanded by his heart. I do have issue trusting people as well but there are people that are so full of kindness that you can't really doubt about the fact that you can at least try to trust them a little bit.

Also I have tried hard to present as one, deny the others/ insiders, even to myself.
It has been like leading two, or more, parallell lives.
Very confusing not to know what happened, allthough I do have recurrent flashbacks of some of it.

Parallell lives ? I wish you could tell me more about it, I'm intrigued because somehow, it talks to me. Years ago, if you would have asked about two people who knew me to describe me you would have thought they were talking about a different person.

I have been thinking of you, hoping the surgery went well / OK for you.

Thank you !!! I'm glad all I need to do is to rest.


Don't you wonder the kind of person you would have been without all those traumas ?

Maybe we would have been parts of the ones who want to live forever. haha

I hope things we'll be fine for you. Co-consciousness may be a sign that things are getting better. At least, I wish. :)

Thank you Lightblues, it's nice to read you.

 

[Lightblues]

See, that's why we are inconsistent defining ourselves. If in every specific situation it was always the same part who would front to handle it, then we could more easily know the way we function.

Yes, that is spot on.

I don't know if it is your case but I think it is easier to attempt to know who I am when alone with myself than when confronted to others.

Same here , very much so.
I believe that is a huge contibrutor to why I need much time alone.

I recall being the same way as a kid. I was somehow more content by myself / myselves.
Sometimes other kids thought I was ” wierd”, I did have friends though.

Despite the fact that triggers come from the outside...

-
Yes, triggers can be really hard to navigate through.!
When not triggered, life feels really different to me.

They want to be in touch but they can't, is that right ?

Yes, that is right.
Sometimes I wonder if I , or parts of me , still are in denial about our life, how we split and all.
Because I quite easily stop reaching out to my alters. I just go on with my life until I realize that we are a team, and need each other to function well.
I do appreciate my parts/ alters.

The alters saved my life over and over. When I am with them/ co conscious I feel more complete.
I reached this through therapy and
memory- work. Allthough having memories is Not the only way to feel more complete. It can , for some people be even harmfull.

Is there something you could so you won't go away ?

Good question.! Often the dissociation happens really quickly, and I don’t quite notice before I hear some rambling coming from my mouth.
It is good to remember to breathe, and, when triggered try somehow to feel safe in the present no matter what.

For example, one thing I hate is having the feeling of loosing control.

Same here! And that is, for me the most tangable feeling when triggered, and even more when triggered to the point of dissociating.

When it comes to dissociation, seems to be even harder. Sometimes, when I want to stay anchored, I pinch myself as hard as I can. I barely feel something though. I can get what people say but at least I am less " in my head " if you know what I mean.

Pinching my arm is something I used to do A lot when I tried to stay grounded, in the beginning stages of therapy. Especially when out in public and dissociating, or being scared to switch/ for others inside taking over.

My therapist thought the pinching harmed me, and said my alters might feel the pain, allthough I was too dissociated to feel hardly anything.
To me pinching my arm did the trick
The psychologist adviced me to try to practise breathing instead. And to try to stay grounded in the body, by feeling the ground underneath my feet/ weigh back and forth.
I thought it was a joke, cuz it wouldn’t work at all.

Then, somehow things calmed down from time to time, so the Others weren’t triggered out in public as frequently. And the therapist’s suggestions helped a little bit to ground us.

My therapist also suggested I would stroke my arms, so as to calm me and mine down. Doing that has helped me through the years when triggered or upset, or sad.
You can also, when alone; give yourself a hug.

Today , I would agree with myself- from - the - past though that stroking your arm is hard to do when imediately triggered, though.
I think pinching yourself is a good option then.

When at home, and trying to snap out of a dissociative state, I sometimes try to remember to splash ice cold water in my face ( as cold as we can stand).
Or shower in warm and then cold water, intertwined.

So happy you've found the strength to go on...

Thank you!

There's not doubt about it being easy... But most of the time, I don't have any self assurance. When I am impressed by someone, I can't even speak properly and defend my opinion. Making sentences can be difficult. I feel so ashamed and ridiculous that I don't even try.
As I said, I was gifted as a child. Yet, some days, I feel like I have an pretty low IQ.

I relate to all of this. Thank you for sharing.
Sometimes, or even often, these days, for me there seems to be no foundation for true self- confidence. I have been told that some of my Others are highly self- assure and tough, though.
When more co- conscious with them, I feel much better.

Maybe I need to peel of layer upon layer of low self- esteem in order to heal, and for All to come together.
Otherwise I don’t know what this is about.

You need to find a therapist who's commanded by his heart.

Thanks, I agree.

I do have issue trusting people as well but there are people that are so full of kindness that you can't really doubt about the fact that you can at least try to trust them a little bit.

I bet those people exist, somewhere. :-)

Parallell lives ? I wish you could tell me more about it, I'm intrigued because somehow, it talks to me.

Lots happened without my awareness, it seems like.
My alters took over and I got no information about what was going on, for years.
I guess recalling parts of it means we inside are getting together more, after all. Allthough I often feel very distanced from them.

I heard a DID clinician online say that ” Sometimes getting better from the dissociation feels worse.”
I have found this to be true. Now I have to deal with the onslaught of Emotions.

Years ago, if you would have asked about two people who knew me to describe me you would have thought they were talking about a different person.

I relate to this, from my past.
Sometimes, I think, apart from this, at least for me, it is easy to ’ slip into roles’, and that being different ’ roles’ with different people. But that is another thing.

Thank you !!! I'm glad all I need to do is to rest.

Please do rest and take it easy. And things as they come.

Don't you wonder the kind of person you would have been without all those traumas ?

It has crossed my mind. The only conclusion I have come to is that ” I would be very different from now”. Both good and bad.
I would have an easier time navigating through life, most likely. But at the same time, a lot less experienced.
The trauma isn’t a price I would currently have liked to pay, though.

Maybe we would have been parts of the ones who want to live forever. haha

:-) Most likely ’more eager to live’.
Things can change through I have heard. I hope things will look up for you, too!

I hope things we'll be fine for you. Co-consciousness may be a sign that things are getting better. At least, I wish. :)

I believe co- consciousness with a few Others is a great step forward.
Sometimes we can take turns singing together. It is really fullfilling to hear them. !

Good luck to you with everything going on!

Lightblues

 

[SusanPLC]

I believe there is a French DID site. One of the mods is called Dwelt but I can’t remember the name of the site as it was in French and I don’t speak it. There is an in built translation but I mean I think the actual name of the forum was a French one.

I can’t find it from my countries browser again (I had followed someone else’s link but lost it) but if you are in France you maybe able to find it easier?

in my system I am the one who identifies with the birth name but unfortunately others took over life and changed the legal name. I feel like I ‘came back’ many years later and don’t recognise my life! ..but have had to get used to a new legal name. The only person I feel any relationship is with my younger sibling (our parents passed some years ago now),