Dom Violence After An Assult

[Seagreen]

I just wondered what emotional process people go through immediatly after an assult? I always did everything possible to avoid upsetting my abuser. It consumed all my energy to keep him happy and try to keep a lid on things. Life was miserable for all of us and tension would rise. I carried a lot of stuff around with me that i wasnt able / allowed to express. When my abuser assulted me it was horrible but afterwards when it was over and I knew I was safe for now there were some conflicting feelings. Initially a feeling of detatchment and everything in my head would suddenly be very logical and ordered. Then a deep sadness and a feeling satisfaction or relief. It was like feeling so horrible made me feel better in a sad way. Maybe it stems from a self loathing although i never did feel i deserved any of it. Maybe it was more of distraction from the tension I carried around constantly. Although the assults never resolved anything for me sometimes afterwards when he was being remorseful he we would talk about it and he would listen to me. Although he never changed anything. Just wondering if anyone else ever felt the same way?

 

[Chava]

After an assault I was pissed off that I woke up alive. I got the hell out of there. I swallowed a bottle of aspirin a couple days later. I had no way to deal with the feelings. But when I could feel my stomach being eaten away, I went in to ER. So I'm here, but after that I started pursuing men, sleeping with anyone, as a way to un-do that, however dysfunctionally...trying to feel only feelings like "control".

 

[desiderata310]

After the last one? The last time he managed to lay a hand on me?
Broken. Everything felt in a million pieces. He'd tried to kill me. I felt sick. I had to lay there till morning and try not to cry. I think I was in shock? I don't remember really thinking anything. I wanted to just not exist anymore.

 

[Friday]

Mmmm... Simple question... Tangled response.

- If he'd managed to hurt me? Disgust and embarrassment. My ex is/was a lousy fighter, and I'm 'supposed' to be able to handle myself. Most of the time, I could. Maybe 90% of the time. So he only managed to hurt me a few times a year. Usually he'd dislocate my arm, or I'd end up hurting myself by recovering awkwardly from something (like when I snapped my ankle when he pushed me out in front of traffic. I kicked a passing car getting out of the street), or break my nose. Again. My poor schnoz. It wasn't pretty to start out with, and now it's just kind of a miracle I can breathe through the sucker. This was brought home really hard during my divorce, after the last assault ... as the DV evaluator didn't believe me. "But you're taller than he is. But you were a soldier (Marine, lady, thanks for reminding me how I've let the Corps down by letting this asshat take me down). But, blah blah blah blah blah". Dude strangled me, cracked my hyoid bone in the process, and smashed my head on the floor hard enough to spiderweb fracture my skull the last time. Yeah. I'm just making that up for effect. Right. Bite me. Of course, all I felt at the time was guilt and shame and self loathing. Yep. All my fault. I knew him. I should have known not to slam the door. I should have been able to better defend myself, even just a few weeks post op from major reconstructive surgery I still had one good arm. It's all my fault. I know. I know. ((Mfking, cksking, victim blaming bitch. I have to work really hard not to go give her a piece of my non-concussed, a few years of distance, mind.))

I'm so furious right now I could bite someone. Which is good. I think. At least for me. Whole lotta self blame when he'd try to hurt me, whether he assaulted me or not. I chose to stay with him, after I knew he was abusive I "should have" been able to handle myself. Etc. So it's nice, in a way, to direct that fury elsewhere a bit. But, yes. Lots of fury, and disgust, and embarassment... all directed inward.

- If he didn't manage to hurt me? Relief. Not at avoiding pain... At knowing he'd be gone for a few weeks, and the cycle would restart. He got off on hurting me, so if he'd managed it, things were going to be intolerable until I could fight him off again. No making him happy any other way except more pain once he landed something. My ex's cycles were fairly predictable. He escalated. Once he managed to hurt me, then those would escalate as well. From in the moment wild, to cold and calculated small things, to cold and calculated big things. 90% of the time, I could keep him in his little cycles by twisting him up and throwing him out. Then the cycle would start at the beginning. Always. And the beginning of the cycle was him being charming. Effing psychopath.

- If he drugged me before assaulting me... I would have a little PTSD flare-up (my PTSD comes from earlier back when I was military), and my head would gt stuck in the past for a few weeks or few months. He usually left for those periods. Would go live with a girlfriend. Then my number 1 concern when he came back was to make light. Not let him feel guilty. If he felt guilty about either the assault of the adultery, then life would be intolerable.

Immediately after... Whether "Daddy is on a big timeout" or "Daddy is on a business trip", immediately after he returned? Relief. It was safe, and he was his usual arrogant charming self. It wasn't until he'd gone distant, or charming lasted "too long" that I had to begin to worry that he was ramping up for another run at one of us.

 

[Friday]

I've already written a novel above... But that 20/20 or at least 20/50. In the beginning... Before I knew he was an abusive effing schmuck... Yes. I believed him. I was used to PTSD & military tempers. I believed these were accidents, and things he was working on or embarrassed over. I thought he could be made to understand / was actually listening to me. That part lasted about 3 years.

 

[Ambs]

I have been and am where you are. The first time I blamed myself. We had a fight and he said the most horrible things and I slapped him. I knew it was wrong but I was so upset. He proceeded to punch me in the back of the head as I fell to the ground. I swore I would neve hit him again and I haven't. The next time he assaulted me like the first, was my fault. I shouldn't have had a picture of my ex on my phone. Maybe I wouldn't have the purple bruises on my sides, stomach and chest. If I wasn't watching the Expendibles I wouldn't be chocked to the point of not talking or breathing. If I didn't threaten to take away the tv or the entertainment center I wouldn't have gotten the bloody lip or the bump on my head when he punched my mouth and slammed my head into the door frame. I have after every beating said it was my fault. Because he says if I didn't do A B or C he wouldn't have hit me. If I didn't get an attitude with him he wouldn't want to hurt me. That he could have hit worse, he holds back on me. I feel guilt, remorse, ugly, like I am a horrible person for hurting my loved one so badly that he has to defend himself against me. Logically I haven't assaulted him except the one time I slapped him. I didn't throw things, I didn't get in his face. A lot of the time he attacked me, I was running away. After every attack I feel weak, helpless and scared. And like you, safe that I survived. After this last time, which was on Sunday, I found this site in research. I found that he and I are in an abusive cycle. We fight, yell and it escalates, the names start, then the physical assaults. After he says he is sorry, it won't happen again, makes excuses. Then the blame game. It was my fault. I asked for it. And finally the honeymoon stage when we think it won't happen again. That it was just one time and I just felt so silly that I over reacted. We were back to normal. The drinking stopped for a week. No more fights. Then he finds an excuse to drink because we are doing good, nothing will happen, he won't be mean, he promises. And the cycle starts again. I feel like a failure if I leave but I feel empty and scared that I haven't. We have been together a year. The physical stuff got the worst in June. And it has gotten worse, no better or tapered off. And I know it won't. That he will kill me. He has threatened to. And I want so much for others to get out and do what I can't. Because if you do tell someone they are indeed right. No one deserves this. Or to know what it's like after being abused because abuse shouldn't be happenin to anyone. I am so sorry you have gone through this too. I hope you can get out.

 

[Seagreen]

@Ambs he says he could have done worse and that he held back on you. I am worried about what he will do when he doesn't hold back anymore. Every time he hits you and gets away with it he feels more comfortable with the idea.

(TW) I remember once standing in the kitchen and my ex was screaming at me. I was backing into the corner when he grabbed a pot off the stove with boiling water in it. The terror I felt I can't even describe but then he put the pot down and told me I was lucky he didn't burn me. When we spoke about it later genuinely I thanked him for not burning me with the water. The point is that he did something terrible and I had nothing to say thank you for. No I'm not grateful for that terrifying experience I had to endure. I'm angry.

You are right no one deserves this. I'm out the other end now. I hope that you can been safe soon too. Take good care of yourself. You deserve it.