Aggression Cloaked In 'humour'

[Friday]

How other people communicate? Is the epitome of "It's not you, it's them."

Glib, sarcastic, light, clipped, dry, emotive, morose, enthusiastic, angry, short, long, cold, logical, profane... That's all them. How other people talk? How they see the world and interact with it? All them.

Where we come into it is how we choose to respond. Join in? Ignore? Keep our own counsel? Respond in kind? Keep inviting them into our lives? Take them to heart? 1,000 different responses. And none.

This IS, by the by, where my soapbox on "Judgement ain't a bad thing!" comes into play. If I condemn their speech, attitude, world view, etc.? Dislike it? Am annoyed by it? Infuriated by it? I don't have to -in most cases- have anything further to do with them. Not always possible, and in those cases? Retaining the personal integrity to know "I don't like or agree with that," and not taking their BS on... Can get challenging sometimes. But it's hugely freeing. I don't like it. I don't agree with it. I ain't taking it on. That's them. Not me.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

General douch baggery. Was the person in a shitty mood? I've encountered this a few times and if you respond in a way they're not expecting you tend to catch them on the back foot.

Very difficult to do at the times because you're thinking wtf did you just say to me you dirty cock juggler. If you respond by saying "what's wrong are you alright? This seem like it's about something else is there anything I can do?" Or something to that effect. Blows their mind they don't know what to do how to respond. And generally it isn't about you they're pissed at somthing else and you're getting the brunt of it.

If you genuinely care when you ask you would be amazed at the honest unguarded replies you get.

 

[sedna]

General douch baggery. Was the person in a shitty mood? I've encountered this a few times and...

Oh NoWhere .....I can say as a confessed dirty cock juggler guilty of much wanton douche baggery, if someone had ever responded to me the way you suggest, I would have felt like I was having one of those nightmares where you're sitting in math class and you suddenly realize you're naked. I have no doubt this would work, people should take your suggestion. Just reading it made the blood drain from my face. *sigh*

The bottom line is, if you can't take the time to articulate what you want to say thoughtfully, then you have no business giving your opinion about someone. Being guilty of being short tempered and lazy is no excuse to be mean and pretend its funny.

 

[shimmerz]

Was the person in a shitty mood?

No. It seems more like a way of delivering a poison dart whenever I give him an opening. It is a learned family thing. I have missed it because I have been consumed with survival stuff until just recently. I hadn't realized that this is what he, (actually, they) were doing. That this has been the main formula for their delivery method.

Deliver some form of humiliation/disrespect with a statement or action that can be seen as 'funny' and if I dare say something about it then I am double whammied with a 'Really? You can't even take a joke? What is wrong with you?' (or insert something ugly here)

I am just not certain how to respond to the 'can't even take a joke' thing. It seems futile to even say something as the pattern seems to be circular in nature.

I mean, it is so subtle that even my SO when I told him of the latest incident said, 'you know I am not a big fan of (who I am speaking about), but I think you are being too sensitive about this. It was just a joke'. But it isn't just this one thing. It has been a pattern. And it was cruel. I don't see cruelty as a joke.

Finally I am not so preoccupied that I can see it. Now what to do about it? I have no response to it because it seems crazy to me that this is even happening. And of course, because I have been deemed crazy I have no right to call anything or anyone but myself crazy. Which I will NEVER do.

I suppose this is what abusers do to give themselves a great advantage over their victims. Keeping their victims off kilter as much as possible and without a break so the victim can't see what is plainly in front of them.

When they do eventually get to some form of safety, it is tempting to damn oneself for not having seen it. I find it super interesting how this realization the other day just 'came' to me. This has been going on for years... but it is only just now that I am safe and not forced into survival mode. And the stuff I am seeing around myself, the communication styles surrounding me, are dark and ugly.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@shimmerz You hit in on the head... Yes, my friend and I are consenting about our use of humor. We would never be cruel to others with it. When we are together, we do "feel" others out first before attempting it, and I have even called my friend out when she has overstepped.

I think.... Not all people use this type of humor to hurt, be judgemental, to gaslight, or to be disrespectful. I know that sometimes in a situation where I'm anxious, it just sort of comes to the surface and it's out before I have a chance to think about it. No filter between the brain and tongue syndrome..

I guess for you in your situation, finding out if the person actually is trying to hurt you would be in order. If that's the case, then you have the option to call that person out, place a boundary and if they persist..... Walk away!!!!!

 

[sedna]

No. It seems more like a way of delivering a poison dart whenever I give him an opening. It is a lea...

shimmerz,
Really- I've been going over board giving lengthy opinions all over the place since I joined here, I know I'm going back to work next week so I wont have time to haunt this place with my insomnia anymore. I'm getting kind of embarrassed by my sharing, but aside from slightly sarcastic comments I mostly dont talk to anyone but my children, I guess I just stored up a lot of talk.

I just cant hold back here on your comment though, then I need to go away and give people a break.

The guy with the douche baggery comment knew what he was talking about. I never make a joke that is sarcastic, dark wit, or good natured teasing without feeling an edge of hostility meant for the person I'm directing it at. Anyone that tells you its different for them is lying. Except maybe the case when its close friends who have been doing it a while ( I've done that with my close friends in the past, the edge was still there, it was a slippery slope )

The suggestion NoWhere made is a good one for someone that may be insecure and unable to express anger. There is another type, like you mention, the habitual subtle gaslighter. Here I suggest you find weak points in their ego and give as good as you get. Make a passive aggressive subtle reference to their fat ass or the prom no one took them to. The trick with this crazy making tactic, is to immediately smile at them and go " jeez, just kidding" before they've even had time to react. That timing right there is crucial, because if you're already smiling and looking at them like you're confused that they're upset, then they now feel and look like they're weak for reacting - on top of being reminded of something uncomfortable without warning.

If it doesnt go down well, and they wont like the power shift so it wont, just look completely unbothered and keep doing it regularly. If they ask you what your doing or why- insist you dont know what they're talking about. Dont worry, it isnt revenge, and you haven't become the enemy. If they're decent people with bad habits it'll be a helpful awareness for them. If they are head game players out to chip away at your sanity for fun or power, show them who's boss.

Who's the Boss?? You are Shimmerz! The Force is strong in you - you wont join the Dark Side. Go kick some snarky ass. :ninja:

 

[scout86]

how to respond to the 'can't even take a joke' thing.

1) Direct eye contact followed by, 'How would YOU know that?' in a dry, fairly unemotional tone.
2) "I would if I actually HEARD one." Followed by something like changing the subject.
3) "Yes? And wouldn't it be nice if you actually BELIEVED that?" (Credit to T and his discourse on 'How to respond to a psychopath')

Not totally sure it's worth the effort, but pretty sure you're right that it wasn't a straightforward, real joke.

@coco9, I hope you can find the time to hang around SOME! You've made some great contributions in a variety of places!

 

[Stickler]

This kind of stuff is why I will never, ever live with anyone again.

"Can't you take a joke?"
No.
Not when it's deliberately f*cking with my head and hurting me.
That 's not funny.

I guess I would ask, "Do you care about me? Do you care enough to stop hurting me? Then if you're mad at me for something, let's talk. Maybe I need to fix something, and making jokes that hurt me aren't fixing it."

I grew up with verbal abuse; I figured out that I don't want to be that person. Nor do I want to be AROUND that person.
And anyone can be that person, so I need to live alone.

It's my choice to hold people at arm's length for the rest of my life, now.

That way when they start lashing at me, it doesn't hurt so terribly.
I have to admit I feel sad at that decision? But grateful I can make it now.

 

[ladee]

Me too @Stickler, I just do not know how to have a relationship.. So living alone is my best option....

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

@coco9 the thing is we're all guilty of being a bit dicky at times. Everyone has off days, everyone says things they later regret. But having the strength to admit when you've done it? that's one thing not a huge amount of people can do. Generally I find if you come at it from a point of view like what's going on with this person that they feel the need to put me down? Are they suffering? 90% of the time it's just that. Then I think what would I want someone to say to me if I was behaving like this? Call me up on it ask what's really the deal so I can apologise now and not beat myself up about it for the next 3 months.

Although there is that other 10% that seems to be what @shimmerz is dealing with here. That seems to be the abusers column that could potentially use your compassion and concern to manipulate you. For them I'm still not sure how to deal with. I still end up sucked in and used for their sadistic pleasure. So the only way I've found to keep myself safe is to cut them out of my life. Very difficult and can be isolating if they're a pro, because it's obviously me that's the problem they have everyone else dancing to their tune.

 

[BradyLady]

That's a pet peeve of mine. People using "I'm just kidding," and "You're too sensitive," and "You need to grow a sense of humor," as code-speak for, "I reserve the right to make any mean, abusive remark I want to make, at any time, with no consequences."

 

[Deleted member 29920]

My abusers always told me I was too sensitive and they were just kidding. The other stuff they done, didn't seem funny to me. Hurtful and unacceptable.