Ajs

[Eripa]

My vet and I were participating in a sport which requires wearing a helmet. He was trying to rev me up and was playfully poking me in the chest and touching my nose gently when he smacked me quite hard on the side of the helmet. I yelled "Don't hit me around the head! Don't you ever hit me on the head!"

He got really upset saying he was just mucking around and that if I, as his partner, couldn't see that then it was over between us because he wasn't going to put up with my abuse. I said "I abused you? Are you serious? I understand you were mucking around but I'm a girl. I'm not used to being hit on the head even if I am wearing a helmet. Don't do that to me. I don't like it."

He stormed off saying as far as he was concerned it was over. I thought "Oh f*ck you. Whatever mate."

About 10 minutes later he had calmed down and came back and apologised saying he was used to dealing with blokes wearing helmets and gear and grabbing at them to get their attention and smacking them on the head to rev them up etc. He said he understood I didn't like it and he wouldn't do it again.

Sheesh! Sometimes I really really hate what military culture has done to him. No wonder he can't fit into civilian society.

 

[Ire]

That's not just military culture. That's sports culture. From toddlers to pros. Male and female.

That you scream at him and he apologizes for it, instead of you apologizing for it, since you were the one who had a massive overreaction and lashed out? That the person screaming is in charge, so you suck it up? That's military culture.

 

[Asajom]

He played the break-up card coz you stood up for yourself? I mean... Really?!

Danger ahead, Eripa :stop:

Looks like this person is deliberately engaging psychological tug-of-war with you.
Feel how your head is spinning from his wild reaction?

Crazy-making is a hallmark weapon of the dominating, malignant narcissistic control-freak.

Run for your life

I'm so glad you're listening to your gut instinct on this.

 

[Ipoju]

Sounds like you both overreacted a bit honestly.

 

[Dutov]

OP here.

Really interesting first two responses. First seems to completely blame me. Second seems to completely blame him. Third response says a little from each side.

Personally I don't think I overreacted. I don't care if I'm wearing a helmet. I don't want to be hit about the head. By anyone. Least of all my partner.

As for him pulling the break up card? That's his stress cup overflowing. There were other stressors happening that week.

Thank you all for the different perspectives. One of the reasons I love this site.

 

[Gari]

So being hit while playing a sport makes hitting ok?

Think I'm gonna take up a sport so I can get away with beating the chit out of people.

 

[Ziciv]

If you don't want contact, don't play contact sports.

 

[Ojize]

Hitting people in the head is ok as long as it's a contact sport?

I'm picturing a macho lunk-head who runs around hitting women in the head......"hey bro!" (And smack). Yeah, that's not cool.

 

[Eripa]

OP here. Its not a contact sport. Its not even a team sport. It requires a helmet because of the potential to fall at speed.

It was the kind of interaction you see in the movies. Young bloke is a little scared of his first para jump. Cranky veteran yells in his face and hits him on the side of his helmet to get his blood up. Young bloke fires up in response and jumps out of the plane. My vet was a senior NCO in a para unit. No doubt he did this. Many many times.

My point is that I am not a soldier. We are not jumping out of a plane. We were not competing. There was no need to hit me to try to fire me up. I'm a woman. I do not want to be hit about the head - helmet or no helmet. I think I have the right to say that to him without him threatening to break up with me.

 

[Ofoj]

You do have the right to say that and you just said it very well. Is that how you said it to him?

 

[Pefi]

I'm still floored at the idea that hitting a woman is ok under certain circumstances.

I guess the next logical step is saying that sexual assault is ok under certain circumstances.

 

[Ebogo]

Slapping a helmet isn't the same as hitting a woman... Let's be honest. Slapping helmets during sports isn't done with malice or out of anger. It's not a dominance thing. It's not meant to hurt or injure. Usually it's a bonding or team spirit thing, or communication thing.

Does the OP have every right to ask her partner not do that? Absolutely.

Should she have yelled at him and treated him like he was a woman beater? No.

Should he have reacted like he did to her yelling? No... He more than likely felt like he was being accused of beating her or something, and it stressed him. Doesn't excuse it... Just a theory.

Molehill, meet mountain.