All About Timing

[desiderata310]

This morning started stupid early (3am) with a nightmare of S pinning me down. I woke up because I couldn't breathe.

Yesterday I finally managed to get my cell phone number changed and felt a bit safer for a while but part of me had this nagging feeling that something was about to go terribly wrong.

Damn intuition.

I had managed to shake off most of the terror of my early rise with a run. I had an appointment today and left work early and had a coffee before I walked over for my second appointment of the week. While I was relaxing, I was trying to check my email for info about an event happening this week. That's when I saw it: an email from my old bank saying that he had changed the email on the account. (they were join accounts and I couldn't close it) Then I saw the email: it asked that I contact him and then listed my new title and office phone and then under that my new address.

I'm not sure how but I managed to get across the street and sit outside my therapist's office till he came up. He saw me sitting in the corner and started chit chatting and then realized I was not ok. When I got in the office he asked me what happened and I burst into tears.
I explained between sobs and struggled to get myself to calm down enough to listen to what he was saying. Eventually, I got the message: he insisted that I go to the women's shelter tomorrow and file for a restraining order. He was going to call me to check in tomorrow. I remember him saying that he is more worried about me being more of a threat to myself than S would be.

He's right to think that. It was the very first thought I had. It's the thread of what I am thinking now. Ativan and alcohol are keeping me… quiet tonight. I had to fight to keep from taking the entire bottle.

 

[Justmehere]

@Desiderata,
I'm sorry this happened.
Tomorrow you will go to the women's shelter and get help to keep you safe from him. You have already taken great steps to change your number and when you emailed the shelter a week or so ago. They usually have people that can even go with you to court and help you with everything. I know it feels so bad right now, I have been there - it's going to get so much easier and you have many ways to protect yourself.
Please be safe tonight, ok?

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I have no real advise or experience to relate. I just wanted you to know I care and my heart goes out to you. I wish I could help in some way.

 

[desiderata310]

Just so tired of fighting @Justmehere.
Trying to shut down and hopefully not dream tonight.

Stupidly low tolerance for anything...

 

[Tinyflame]

I think when one is overwhelmed everything seems very black, and the fear is magnified.

I think that getting assistance from 'real people', and some rest as well, will help. I think you did really well to take all those steps. No one person is as big or as dangerous when you aren't on your own and aren't hiding it.

 

[pamcoco]

That's horrible and I am sorry. Damn intuition is right, thank god for the curse.

There is no source that has helped me more in my ptsd, intuition and boundaries than "the Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. He spends a good amount of time on this very subject of safety, the kind you are referring to. I have it on audio that I listen to weekly. I could burn it and send it to you if are interested.

Take care of you and keep listening to the curse of knowing.........

 

[Justmehere]

Thinking of you today. :hug:

 

[desiderata310]

Thanks @Justmehere . Ativan and early bed last night. Horrible dreams but that's to be expected.

More than anything: scared to death of contacting the women's shelter. Last time I called the shelter in my old town, they told me that they couldn't help me because I wasn't in 'imminent danger' (he had broken into the house and had left before I got there). No help at all. I'm so afraid that because he's not in town, because I've not been here 6 months, that they won't help me with the restraining order or that they will get mad, or like the person at the sheriff's office in my old town, tell me that because I had waited (in that case until the bruises were gone) so long no one was going to believe me and the judge would throw it out. Now, is when I KNOW I am beginning to lean way too much on my therapist because I desperately wish he would accompany me to the shelter. It's his day off. The fact that he is calling me on his day off to check in and make sure I followed through is significant. Told me he was available all weekend as well.

Rope is stored on the highest point of the building. It's not prepped, I don't have a plan but it's there. Actually makes me feel better. It's a security blanket to be sure. Grateful to some extent that this trigger for SI was acknolwedged without me saying it. I kept saying it over and over; I'm so tired of fighting. I just want it to stop. And right now, it's a quick and easy way to make it stop.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm going to be a little blunt, but it's only because I really care.

You really need to go to the women's shelter today. I know you are really scared and feeling hopeless. The sooner you go, the more they can do to help. If they do not help, then you can come back here to a whole community of people who will help brainstorm other solutions... That's awful they didn't do more at the other shelter. Just awful. But before you give up, please go.

Restraining orders don't relate to residency. He's contacting you after you have made it clear for him to stop, and I agree with your therapist that it's time to go back.

I don't think you are leaning on your therapist too much - in fact, I think you should reach out to him more! Just as he is encouraging you to do. I think it is natural and normal to want someone safe and supportive to come along. He clearly really wants to be a support and a help through this.

Does your therapist know how bad you are feeling as plainly as you have written here? I really really think it would be a very good idea to keep telling him as much as you can.

You have taken a many great steps, I hope you keep taking more. You are so valuable and so important and you deserve to be safe and to feel safe.

 

[desiderata310]

No. He guessed at it but I was so... triggered yesterday I was kind somewhere between numb and panic.

I have to call for an appointment. Just CALLING them fills me with dread. I hate talking on the phone anyway but this is just almost too much.
Last time was so horrible. I remember sitting in my car behind a KFC (of all places) begging them to take me and bawling my eyes out when they said I was on my own. No recommendations on what to do or where to go. I slept in my car that night.
They open in an hour....I'll call then.

 

[Justmehere]

Wow, that is so so terrible they didn't take you before. I'm very shocked and I'm so sorry you went through that. :(