Alone

[David67]

I have been sick for about nine years.
I have never spoken to anyone, I have no friend's because I cant share my feelings with anyone. I don't really know what I want to say here, I live in a small community where there are no services for what I am going thru.

I don't want anyone to know how I'm feeling, and nobody seems to notice the kind of pain . I have overdosed on pills several times over the tears. Twice in the last month, once got me in the hospital, where I didn't receive any help and once while I was in there.

I really don't know why I am writing this. I feel so alone. Nobody knows how I feel.

 

[Iron_Angel]

Hey David, please know you are not alone and many of us here know how you feel, because we feel it too. (((Hugs!))) KP the Nut taught me how to do those hugs, by the way.

Writing it out helps you realize you are feeling what you're feeling and you're not crazy. You can share your feelings here. I'm so sorry to hear that you are isolated where you are, with no one to empathize or talk to. You can always come here, we're open 24/7 and there's always a seat at the table. Sometimes there's cake.

You've been carrying a heavy burden for a long time. I know the pain sometimes gets to be too much to bear. I've gone the pills/booze/etc. route and it just made things worse because then I was out of control. What are some of the things you like to do? Getting lost in a favorite pursuit might help. Distractions can be good, if they are healthy distractions. Anything that helps you get out of your own head and stop dwelling on your situation might help as well.

I've only been on this site for a few days, but I've received a lot of help and support from people who understand what I'm going through. Hang in there, buddy. You can talk to us, and it's safe here.

 

[suzie q]

Welcome David67 to the forum!

You are right in saying that no one knows how you feel. What you can do to help us understand your feelings is to open up and post what you think is causing your emotions. I think that feelings are kinda personal and unique in some cases. You said you were lonely and I think I understand that emotion because I have felt lonely. That caused me a lot of pain. That pain wouldn't go away, so I found that numbing helped. (I took drugs and am an alcoholic) I would take anything to stop my pain.

For me, posting and relating to others on this forum helped me, not only feel less lonely, but helped me understand what I was feeling (by my perspective when I reread my post and by reading others perspectives or experience) This began my healing and those of us with PTSD need to reach out to others for healing. It doesn't go away, it just gets manageable by understanding what it is and when I need to apply my tools to keep it in check.

Since you say there are no services available in your town, I would suggest starting here on this forum to find the information and companionship you need to feel better. Reading all the articles on PTSD is a great start!!
Hang in there and let us know what we can do to help...suzie q

 

[KP the nut]

Welcome to the forum David, I am so pleased you found us.

PTSD pain is different, mine stems from a car crash (plus some childhood stuff), I broke my neck, I had a neck brace, everyone could see I was in pain. Now nearly one year on, physically I look fine but no-one sees the inner pain.

I am working with a T, which is slowly helping. I have a supportive family although even they don't get IT. The one place I have found comfort and understanding is here on the forum.

The articles on the home page helped put things in perspective. As had reading members posts and diaries. However it is the love, care, support and friendship which I value most.

I hope you will feel at home here and realise that you are no longer alone.

(((HUGS))) if you will accept them
KP

 

[Froggie]

I don't want anyone to know how I'm feeling, and nobody seems to notice the kind of pain . I have overdosed on pills several times over the tears. Twice in the last month, once got me in the hospital, where I didn't receive any help and once while I was in there.

I really don't know why I am writing this. I feel so alone. Nobody knows how I feel.

Hi David67, Welcome to the forum. I have a hunch that some new comers don't go back to their initial posts and feel that they are still alone. One word of advice, go back to what you have written and you will be rather surprised to see what many have written. If I understand right, you were diagnosed with PTSD 9 years ago and since then there has been nothing or even no professional to guide you through what you are going through ? Rough stuff. Who knows, maybe something will come up here on the forum. Many members are trying to get support groups (at least) to help others in the same situation

Yes, there are alot of (((HUGGERS))) on this forum, so if you feel uneasy with that, let us know. someone started a new thing .... Linking arms ....

 

[David67]

Well I am back.
Seems that I only really come here when I am down.

I had a good week (good meaning not suicidal), but the last few days things are starting to roll around in my head.

I hate my life most of the time, I have alot of guilt, and if one more person says "YOU CANT BLAME YOURSELF" I think I will scream.

It really sucks that there is no one I can talk to. Nobody understands.

Maybe if I would have tried a little harder to make things work then none of this would have happened. If I didn't have to leave then this would not have happened. I should have been there
so it is my fault. There is no way around it, I screwed up and they are dead, because I didn't try hard enough

I went to the grave for the first time last summer and it really messed up my head. I don't have any right to mourn them because I wasn't there to save them.

What do I do??????????

 

[booboomatrix]

The pain is not explainable to others. Mine is just "there" even though I'm happy and have happy relationships. Right now I really needs some kind of tranq, I have never taken them and don't have access to anything. I will probably get some beer. I'm in a place where no alcohol is strong, the country tampers with it. Beer does not really help anymore. I'm no where close to being an alcoholic, I can forget about alcohol for months at a time.

You CAN blame yourself, but in the process just figure out what you can do, then you reach a dead end, and then what? Pain. You have a right to mourn anyone and it sounds like you have more right, and more pain than anyone. I say write and talk, talk to us here and that's all for now. I am not one for solutions to this problem, I have my own. I only know what helps. People that love me help, and I have those that feel the sun rises and sets with me, so I get through. I wish I could do more for others. I feel helpless. Thanks for sharing David.

 

[suzie q]

As I have done many times over, you sound like you are playing the "what if" game in your head. I think you know what that game is all about...you know, I heard it in your last post. Unfortunately, what if has never worked in helping me sort things out in my emotions. It only feeds the depression that keeps me playing the what if game. I suffer from depression already, so I hate this game.

In my perfect world, I would be able to see far enough into the future to cover all the "what ifs"? But it still takes me back to the same old question, "So what?" When I'm in "so what"?, I know that no matter what decision I make in my life, it was but a choice. Something that my higher power has graciously given me. Not all my choices cause outcomes to others. Some do, some don't. I don't really know which ones are which. All I know is that I do the best I can with what experience and hopefully advice from those I respect and admire. If I have made a bad or hurtful choice, as a human, it is my way of learning to make a better choice next time...even if I think there won't be a next time.

In my experience, more often than not, that "next time choice" comes back around in some weird way, and if I haven't been paying attention or sharing my experiences with those who are in the same boat I'm in, well then, that's my choice. All the bad that ever happened to me led me to a place where I could get out of myself and help others. This gave me purpose..something I probably would think the "deceased" feels you deserve. Staying in "what if" keeps me sick. I want to be well and move on....I learned to forgive me.
Stay away from the roller coaster...suzie q

 

[David67]

I am new at this , so i apologize to amethyst that you do not like my grammar and the way i write.
I thought that this was a place to try and get some help. since i dont think that english lessons will help me with my ptsd, i think i came to the wrong place.sorry to all that i ticked off and i guess i will not post anymore just incase i forget to use a capital letter in the right place.
THANK YOU ALL THAT TRIED TO HELP , AND I WONT BOTHER ANY OF YOU ANYMORE.
D.

 

[amethist]

Hi David

I am sorry you feel this way David, but using the basic rules of grammar helps everyone to be able to read posts easily. This being a world wide forum, English is not everyones first language.

So we are actually helping everyone who uses this forum, in every way possible, including being able to read what everyone else posts.

Amethist

 

[anthony]

A little effort is often harder than denial and looking for excuses to stop working on oneself!

 

[blueangel371115]

Hang in there David, don't give up.