Alright We Need More Jokes

[Raven]

Humor is always what kept me from completely losing it. I was in a mood last night, and I woke up in a worse mood. I was snapping at everyone, even my young nieces who are five and three. My father (a retired Marine and a Vietnam veteran) and I were in the car this afternoon. My mother had knee surgery a few years ago and they had one of those elevated toilet seats when she was recovering. Well, it's been sitting in the basement since then collecting dust. He decided to take it over to the local Red Cross but nobody was there so he just left it at their back door.

Me: "What are you doing?"
Dad: "Being a good Samaritan."
Me: "You just left a f*cking toilet seat on their doorstep."
Dad: "...Well, when you put it that way... f*ck."

We both cracked up and started laughing hysterically, and then everything was magically better.

It was probably more funny in person, at the time, than it seems reading it over the internet. I haven't laughed that hard in a while.

 

[tho9900]

lol that does sound funny... had a little movie playing in my head when I was reading it... I even had a good actor playing your dad, I think it was Henry Fonda from back in the day..

 

[Jimmy1]

 

[Raven]

One of the best quotes I know.

View attachment 198

That's actually how my parents met! My mother was participating in a protest. My dad and some of his buddies went to go heckle them, and they were apparently in uniform. Then they started making eyes at each other and playing the glancing game. Ad they were about to leave, my dad's guys egged him on to stop being a pussy and talk to her.

Then he randomly asked her if she'd ever been with a Marine. Worst pickup line ever, but it obviously worked.

 

[JarHed]

I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS.
It puzzles me! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question:

"List ALL Dependents" I replied:

12 million crack heads;

42 million unemployed people on food stamp;

2 million in over 243 prisons;

and 535 in the U.S. House and Senate.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.


I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

 

[Anglesachse]

Illegal immigrants?

Not sure how the hell you are going to count them, suppose you could get a slot on the radio asking for them to all come forward to register with you.

 

[Lee C]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
...

...
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled" So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

A final thought -“ Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."....

On a different note a mate of mine on tour just stepped on an I.E.D and lost part of his leg below the knee but i have seen a pic and he looks in good spirits :)

 

[JarHed]

Hope your mate is doing OK.

Loved the post, made me laugh this morning.

 

[Anglesachse]

Hope you told him what a f*cking stupid idea that was Lee cocker.

Give my regards when you have contact with him next.

And cheers for the laugh

 

[Jimmy1]

lmao. A good chuckle.

She'l be right mate is one of our favorite sayings. Crikey was just Steve Irwin's catch call.
As for the BBQ, we would have one of them anywhere and anytime. All you need is a bit of metal, heat, and some meat. I know some guys that tried frying up some spam on the side of a blown up Iraqi tank. hahaha.

 

[JarHed]

I know some guys that tried frying up some spam on the side of a blown up Iraqi tank. hahaha.

MMM! That sounds delish! :ROFLMAO:

 

[tho9900]

Spam.... mmmmmm