Am I A Bad Mom!?

[BoN-bOn]

I feel terribly guilty for these feelings, but I think it would be helpful if someone could relate...

I have a teenage son who is looking more and more like his abusive father as he matures. I love my son with all my heart and would give my life for him....he is the very reason I've strived to work hard and be able to provide a better life for us.

Lately, I find myself feeling triggered when I look at him sometimes. I get this horrible feeling of disgust & it kills me to even have those feelings. I love him so much & I would never ever let him know that I am having these thoughts, but I feel so guilty & ashamed!! There are times that I literally have to walk away & go to my room for a while. I've even had dreams about his Dad being abusive, but in the dream it's my son instead.

He's a really great kid...makes good grades, & is so kind-hearted like me. Sometimes his behaviors & facial expressions remind me of his dad & I will get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. His dad hasn't been a part of his life since he was a toddler, which I'm thankful for, but sometimes DNA can't be denied. Maybe my feelings are coming from a fear that he will turn out like him? I don't know. Am I a horrible mom for feeling this way? Help!!!

 

[GrayOwl]

Sounds like very normal fear to me. The mind just goes places like that.

It is very very difficult to pull the facts away from the fears and make purely logical sense of everything.
Our minds are designed to do different things so we see and imagine and feel all different things - not always what is actual or true.

Sounds like you are seeing a good kid and what you actually describe is a good kid. DNA doesn't always dictate repetition - our little computer brains get programmed largely by environment and much of DNA can be tempered, bypassed, or altered into something positive. Only those who know him well can really judge.

Try hard to analyze logically. Push your fears aside (hard to do as a mother or target, I know) and try to balance all the assets and liabilities and judge him for who he is, not whom you are afraid he might be. Because I am a victim of, and live with, my own fears and trauma, I don't always trust my judgement implicitly. So I would suggest, as I do in my case, that you get a reliable second and third and maybe fourth opinion. But these must be sound stable people, like a trusted T or sponsor, not somebody that is also affected by fears, experience, or your opinions. I have come to rely heavily on a couple trusted people who seem able to detach from emotional involvement and can make sound observations. And they are very cautious in how they direct me - it is a sponsor/friend, therapist/client type relationship that I have developed very carefully over many years. And they are not afraid to tell me when I am seeing things that aren't there.

In amongst all the analysis, take time to smell the roses. And it sounds like you do. You certainly don't sound like anything near a horrible Mom. Make those fears little teeny fears and keep working on the good stuff. It sure sounds like you have been and he's turning out great. Lucky kid. If he's anything like you sound, I bet he's turning out to be a great kid. Sounds like a good environment.

I hope things settle out in your mind. Triggers are nothing to be underestimated. Ptsd & trauma suck. I'm think you'll find a lot of support and good advice on this. I'd like to hear others' feedback too. This was a very good thread. Thank you for posting.

 

[BoN-bOn]

Thank you @GrayOwl ! It is strange how the mind works. Logically I KNOW that just because he is an exact replica of his father physically (honestly I don't think he deserves that title...sperm donor might be the better choice), it doesn't mean that he IS the sperm donor...but my fears seem to take over at times. I almost feel like it's a double punishment for him to look so much like him. I do have to take a step back often & remind myself to think logically.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. :hug:

 

[Casey_03]

You're not horrible at all! This is completely normal, and to me it sounds like it comes from your fear of him turning out like his dad, and nothing more.

 

[BoN-bOn]

Thank you @Casey_03 ! It's so hard to raise a son on your own with no help. I constantly worry that I'm not a "good enough" parent, as I didn't exactly have the best example to follow.

 

[FireSign8]

I have had similar thoughts when my kid was in her teen years. It got really fun when she started to verbally abuse me with the same words her father always used on me! We had a good therapist & eventually she grew up & I stopped taking things as a personal assault on me & realized that my kid was NOT her father, although she looked & acted an awful lot like he did. Now she looks & acts like her own person & is nothing like either one of her parents! Kids change & so do their parents. Unconditional love starts with you. Love your faults & someday tell the kid how you feel. He might also have some things to tell you when the time is right. Until then, just love & be there for them when & if they need you.

 

[BoN-bOn]

I have had similar thoughts when my kid was in her teen years. It got really fun when she started to...

Thank you for that @FireSign8 ! Yes, my son is a typical teenager right now & sometimes he can be manipulative & mean towards me, which only adds to my anxiety. You are absolutely right about not taking it as a personal attack against me. Thank you for reminding me that this stage will pass & he will become his own person!