trying2movefwd
Diamond Member
Well I have been struggling with Severe recurrent major depressive disorder and PTSD with dissociation for a year now. Im not quiet sure what to do. I am starting to feel better, more like myself about half the days of the week. During the last year I have had 3 jobs that I couldn't keep due to my symptoms of these disorders. I have been hospitalised about 8 x's in this past year. 4 in patient and 4 outpatient. Im a single Mother of 2 doing my very best to keep and raise my children in a healthy environment. I haven't been to work since the beginning of May. I dissacosiate a lot...nothing like staring your boss in the face for several minutes, not realizing your doing it until your name is finally repeated for maybe the 20th time, but it's the first or second time you actually heard. Also my triggers are so vast anything could offset me. I am having trouble just keeping up with my house, trouble is an understatement, its a mess! IM SLOWLY working on it though. I get one room done then the others appear neglected. :( But I feel like a failure for not getting out there earning an income and supporting myself and my kids on my own, independently...w/out relying on government assistance. I feel like scumb, like a incredibly lazy person. So I signed up for college, but I am having doubts, what if I cannot handle it?! I am lost in the realm of " I don't know what to do "! One doctor I spoke with told me I should definitely qualify for disability, another mentioned that I find a job coach (from the hospital ). My outside psychiatrist . . . I may discuss it with her when I see her next week. I wonder what she will say. Do I go to school, do I try working again, do I apply for disability? I can't stay in the place I am ( welfare, *cringe*). This is on my mind. I get here, I feel I have little purpose, like a failure, like a pointless Mother....these thoughts do not help my already difficult to live with PTSD or depression. I just need a purpose! (suicidal thought train just arrived, I won't get on my kids need me). Im also very lonely today. I have my kids, but it's July 4th and it's lonely not having an adult to celebrate with.
