Am I A Trigger?

[Aching65]

@Laura 2 & @Justmehere . It's true what you say. I probably thought I could do better and I knew better about what to do, and was totally wrong...


But she should not know that I finally understand what is going on? That I do my best not to be the dude who constantly hurts her?

The last conversation I had with her I stressed the point that I was doing what I thought was right talking the psy friend. I only now realize how wrong and how hurtful I was...

 

[Justmehere]

If you give her the space she has asked for so clearly, listen to what she has told you, and if/when she is less triggered and doing better she will contact you if she wants a relationship.

No amount of explaining it or apologizing is going to make ignoring her "no" ok. You already tired that route several times and look where it got you. It didn't help. She told you stop talking to others and you thought you knew better and it would help. Now she is saying to not contact her. I don't see that you will do anything helpful if you do contact her for any purpose. You gotta let it go right now. Wait for her.

She has asked you for what she needs - no contact. Your feeling that you know better, that if she just understood and knew you were sorry, that feeling you have is not an accurate sense of what she needs when she is telling you so clearly she needs something else. She is the best to know what she needs.

As a doctor, perhaps you are used to knowing what people need better than they know. This is NOT that kind of situation. She knows what she needs and right now she has made it clear. You already tried to explain things and she didn't need explainations. Not even new ones.

She needs you to show her you can respect her saying what she needs and respect her when she says no. Including no contact. Your explanations, apologies, and feelings about what she needs are not going to help right now because ALL she will see in this triggered state is that you are yet another person who failed to respect her boundaries again and again.

You don't need to lie on the couch and do nothing. You need to work on you right now. It takes a lot of personal work to have the strength to be a safe person for someone with PTSD over the long haul.

 

[Laura 2]

@Justmehere
I much appreciate your clarity and concision - and ability to put difficult things in a courteous way. (I don't like to personalise my opinions because I've been the target of so many people's muddleheaded, even dangerous, self-righteous assessments that I know how excruciatingly intrusive, disempowering and injurious it can be So I usually just speak my own experience. )

Having said that, I feel that you're on the button with your emphasis on respecting a no-contact request. As you say, it takes a great deal of strength and self-prep to be safe to be close to a traumatised person.

@Aching65
This is certainly not aimed at you, overtly or covertly, but I've encountered sooo many GPs, consultants and psychs who really are clueless. And, because they have power, their ill-informed opinions can have wide and damaging repercussions.

I came across a report on a sad piece of research a few weeks ago. It indicated that, during an average consultation, a patient has only 12 seconds of uninterrupted time to speak. [Link not allowed to Huffington Post article by Dr Richard C Senelik.]

It's all part of our faux reality that prizes some people's opinions and feelings way above those of others. Osler's dictum should, IMHO, be hung in every surgery and consulting room!!

But thank you for having the openness of mind and heart to be willing to listen and learn.