Relationship Am I Being Realistic?

[Kefira]

We dated long distance for 18 months and he finally moved 6 months ago and we now live together.

The finally in that sentence. A year and a half is no time. Especially a year and a half long distance. I basically figure I have to be in a relationship with someone face to face for at least a few years before I really trust them and will let them in. And making a big jump in commitment too early into a relationship, for me personally is a HUGE mistake.

However, I don't think it is a matter of them not loving, I think it is a matter of them being healthy enough to participate in a relationship.

This. If he's not at a point where he can function sustainably in a relationship it doesn't matter how either of you feel about the other.

Which I think was what Link Removed was driving at. Supporters really have to mind their own self care.

I think the problem here which @illusionist pointed to off the bat is that the "I love you so much I'll do ANYTHING for you" mentality tends toward codependency pretty easily. And codependency with someone who isn't controlling their PTSD well or isn't ready for a relationship yet is going to be a time bomb. You really need to be clear on your wants needs and boundaries. And that means knowing what you will not tolerate, for your own health and well being, even though you love him.

I think there's a dangerous in assuming it's all ptsd. By the time people are in their 50's they're pretty much set in their ways. You're still in the getting to know him stage and determining true compatibility.

I don't believe that love is necessarily enough, by itself.

Do not stay in the relationship hoping it will somehow miraculously get better. It probably won't.

Even if it's all PTSD this IS the stage where you're determining compatibility. Love is great. Love doesn't mean compatibility. If you can't take him as he is right now and be completely happy, then you may not be being realistic. I hate to be blunt like that, but the fact of the matter is unless he's actively working it's likely to get worse not better, and even if he's working really hard depending on his particular matrix of personality and symptoms the progress may be very slow and almost unnoticeable. For a long time. In short: it's possible. But it takes a lot of hard work, especially on his part but also on yours, a LOT of communication, and a whole lot of the time it will not be easy or fun.

 

[Pebbles5280]

First I want to thank everyone who responded. All of your comments and suggestions are very valid and also very helpful. PTSD is something that was completely foreign to me until six months ago. What I can expect and bring to a regular relationship doesn't seem to apply in this case. He is not in therapy and has a very strong aversion to therapy. That is already a big red flag for me. Yes I did say that I would do anything for him, however i realize that I cannot make him better. If he is not willing to take steps to help himself, nothing I can say or do will be beneficial for either of us. So far, there have been many excuses and justifications for his behavior. He told me this evening that he is in self-destruct mode and nothing or no one else matters. He is self-medicating with alcohol, cigarettes, Vicodin and his PTSD meds. He also mentioned that last night he seriously considered checking himself in to the mental health ward. The only thing that appears to have stopped him is the fear of exposure with his employer. Clearly I am in way over my head. I watched the tapes and have read the first couple chapters of one of the books. I feel as though I have set boundaries but they are not respected. I see him struggle and don't want to add to that stress so I do not follow through. I can now see that this is not healthy behavior for either of us. If this continues on the same course we are doomed. It's time for some very tough decisions on my part. Again, thank you all. I do appreciate the input.

 

[SabrinaB]

Nothing to offer that hasn't already been said, but want to offer my prayers for your continued strength and for his healing.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The most important part of boundary setting that is oftentimes overlooked is the repercussions for crossed boundaries. Do you have repercussions for when your boundaries are crossed? Are you enforcing them? Boundaries without consequences for crossing them......well, you might as well have no boundaries at all.

 

[Sighs]

Sigh! Apologies to those of you who have heard me say this before.

Unless you want to treat your partner like a five year old you cannot set boundaries for him. You cannot "punish" boundary crossing. Yes, there will be consequences if boundaries are crossed, but the only person you can ENFORCE boundaries on is you.

So, at the risk of boring people to death - my boundary is not "if you hit me I will leave you". Its "if he hits me I must leave him." This may sound like semantics to some people but I think its really important. You can't control your partner. You can communicate your boundaries to him, but you have to remember that the enforcement part of the boundary must be action YOU take - not him.

I don't think this idea is in conflict with anything @itsKismet said above. I just wanted to restate it because I think a lot of people misunderstand the whole concept of enforcing boundaries.

 

[illusionist]

I know that early on in my relationship we talked about boundaries, it was something I hadn't done before and felt it was part of previous failures in relationships. My boundaries may be different from anyone else he has been in a relationship with, so he may not know he is crossing. One certainly was " if you hit me, I will leave".... another.. "if you start shouting and yelling at me, I won't stand there and listen, nor will you get an argument from me, I will walk away"...many couples don't mind a shouting match.

This was not communicated in a domineering way, rather in the getting to know each other conversations.

No I can't control my partner but I can and I have made it clear what my boundaries are, as he has done with me. It is then down to me to enforce it.

 

[joeylittle]

Clearly I am in way over my head. I watched the tapes and have read the first couple chapters of one of the books. I feel as though I have set boundaries but they are not respected. I see him struggle and don't want to add to that stress so I do not follow through. I can now see that this is not healthy behavior for either of us. If this continues on the same course we are doomed. It's time for some very tough decisions on my part.

I believe that in order to have a working, intimate relationship - you have to be friends with your partner.

Can you focus on being his friend right now, not his girlfriend, not his soulmate, not his lover - just be his friend.

If your friend said they were thinking about going into the mental ward, but they were scared - would you support your friend? How would you do it? Listening, not judging - and by judging I don't just mean 'not being negative', I mean staying neutral about everything he talks about. So, he talks about not being able to love anyone or anything - well, if that's your friend saying that, clearly your friend is hurting. But if it's your new boyfriend who you've just moved in with - man, that's very very painful for you.

I don't mean to be saying he's always going to be right and you need to give up your feelings. Not that. But I think if you can learn how to be his friend, and let him get to trust you that way, then probably the both of you might stand a chance at something else. And anyway - if you discover that you actually don't like him enough to want to be friends with him, you really don't want to make him your one and only.

Right now, it does not sound like he can be a boyfriend. And it sounds like he could use a friend, if he can be open enough to let one in. Certainly, he could use support for doing the things that scare him but that he seems to know are right - like getting serious immediate help.