Am I Being Suicidal?

[Ivan the Elder]

I have PTSD. I have most likely had it to some degree nearly all my life. My life has not been easy. I was seriously abused starting (as far back as I can recall) when I was about 2. My father broke my shoulder bones that time. It continued until I was able to leave home at 16. I was nearly killed by my father at least twice. Since then I have been involved in some very traumatic situations including watching young people die despite my efforts to help (I am a military trained medic). I was also placed in a military "Red Line Stockade" due to screwed up record keeping by the US Army. I spent only 2 weeks there but that was long enough to witness freezing water torture. I also temporarily "died" in a hospital when my heart and breathing stopped. More recently I have had three hemorrhagic strokes. Statistically I should be dead.

Recently I was forced into an involuntary psychiatric ward by my former wife who told my doctor that I was intending to commit suicide. That was a pure lie. I have never felt or wanted suicide regardless of the various events that have happened. I still am not contemplating committing suicide. It is however crossing my mind which is why I am posting this.

I am an engineering type, aka Asperger's. My former wife decided to leave me while I was imprisoned in the psych ward. She called me and said "when you come home I will not be there. That was the very last thing I was expecting from her and I was trying to prevent the Psychiatrist from making me take a medication that had a high chance of killing me. I was nearly totally powerless. I had zero control over what was happening to me. The only control I had was refusing the medication. But they were trying to give it to me when I was asleep. I had pain meds to take and they always included the psychotropic drug with the pain meds. I was extremely afraid I wouldn't notice and take the wrong med. It has now been admitted that the med could have killed me but it is much too late.

This all fired up my PTSD to maximum level and my former wife is the primary trigger. There is no way we will ever reconcile. I cannot be in the same room with her for more than a couple of minutes. It seriously fires up the PTSD.

I now live by myself in an OK apartment but I am not interested in getting out to make friends or do much of anything. I look after myself, sort of. My apartment is clean, I do the dishes and am a good cook. I do the laundry and clean the toilet etc.

I am continuously reviewing all that has happened. I have written numerous letters to my ex wife but haven't sent them. They are not very nice. I cannot get it out of my mind and unfortunately I have an excellent memory. I have blocked out some of what happened at the ward but not all of it. In particular I have not blocked the time that five guards tackled a patient that was calmly walking toward the exit during visiting hours. They crushed him to the concrete floor and injured his right leg badly. I was forced to stand facing them eight feet away. I was told to "freeze" in my position along with others so I was forced to witness all of it take place.

This along with other events destroyed any concept of safety there.

Now I have been doing a cost/benefit analysis of staying alive versus not. Right now it seems to be coming up in favour of staying alive. I am totally alone and I hate it.

I have been taking some risks that I didn't used to take. I walked with a cane for years because my feet are quite numb and it gives me poor balance. I decided several months ago to stop using the cane. It makes walking a lot nicer but it also increases my risk of falling. That would greatly increase the chance of having another stroke, especially if I hit my head hard. That caused my first stroke.

I have also been doing other things such as no longer watching my diet as carefully as I should. That has caused my platelet levels to drop as low as 80. Various foods can and do lower platelets and I have Hep C from the army. Dropping my platelets raises the chance of stroke. Right now I don't give a crap any more. I don't feel like I have a lot of reason to try so hard to keep myself alive. I am not actively trying to kill myself but I am definitely increasing the chance of dying.

Am I being suicidal?

 

[hodge]

I don't think you are overtly suicidal, but not taking good care of yourself, as you mentioned in your last two paragraphs, is a concern. Are you in therapy?

 

[Justmehere]

Right now I don't give a crap any more. I don't feel like I have a lot of reason to try so hard to keep myself alive. I am not actively trying to kill myself but I am definitely increasing the chance of dying.

It seems like you are engaged in at least passive suicidality. Can be just as dangerous as active sucidiality.

Are you in treatment for the PTSD and for these concerns? You have been through a lot. General psych wards can re-traumatize PTSD sufferers. You are not alone in this. I have seen and endured some horrible things myself when on a general adult acute psych unit... it was awful. I'm sorry you are in so much pain.

 

[Ivan the Elder]

I just started last Thursday a 9 week series of evening group therapy. All so far is the explanation/introductions type stuff so I don't know what it will be like, yet. I sure hope it helps because I sure do need it. It is a type of CBT training.

 

[Justmehere]

That's a really good you started the group therapy session.

I wanted to add that no matter if you are passively or actively suicidal, you don't deserve to go through hell on a adult acute psych ward. You are taking a good and brave step to be in the group. Keep reaching out. The are other supports too when you feel like skipping the things that will help keep you alive.

I also think it would be a really good idea to talk to your doc who manages the Hep C, and tell him you have been feeling down, depressed, no motivation to care for yourself as well as you used to.

Having low platelet count alone can actually cause and/or increase feelings of depression and being really down. It might be that as your depression gets worse, you lose more motivation to eat well, and thus your platelets drop more, and you thus feel more down.... You might be on a bad spiral and in need of more medical support to get yourself feeling better again.

If you are on medications for Hep C, some of them can actually worsen depression too. Some of them are better than others.

PTSD is a tough battle, but it can get better. Your body needs to be in it's best condition that it can be to handle it all. The more physically well we are, the easier it is to regulate emotions - this is one of the principles DBT, another skills based therapy like CBT.

 

[Ivan the Elder]

I am seeing my doc on Wednesday. They have finally come out with a Hep C drug I can take, Harvoni. I haven't been able to take any of the earlier ones because of low platelets. Harvoni doesn't lower platelets and the treatment can be as short as 8 weeks. I want to get on it a soon as possible. The BC government is running a 1 year trial that started in April where the entire cost is covered and I qualify. Normally it is $67,000 here. If I wait very long I might miss the zero cost trial. The side effects are pretty light, aches and pains, headache and sleeping a lot. I think I should see about getting a benzodiazepine of some sort. I am a zero addiction type no matter what the drug so I'm not worried about that. I could sure use some better sleep. Here it is now at 03:00 and I am not even sleepy. I'm not sure a benzo drug is the right thing to do though. Any ideas on that?

edit: I think I should try getting some sleep. BTW, they decided I had no psychiatric issues when I was at the psych ward. I think they missed the fact I was startling so badly when they wakened me for the meds.