Relationship Am I Being Unreasonable?

[jill smith]

I have a question. My partner has set boundries around here space following the incident 2weeks ago. She says when she is in our spare room with the door closed I am not to entre at all or knock at the door. I can text her once and wait for a response. She says she needs this. I am finding it difficult as it feels like a rule not a healthy boundery. However I have tried to adhere to it as she days it is vital for her and I must respect this. 2days ago I did knock on the door a couple of times as I has cooked dinner and wasnt expecting her to be in the room so long after our conversations earlier in the evening. She became annoyed at me and since then has again become distant. She has been irritable with me and says I couldnt follow a simple thing which we agreed. It feels like we have taken 10steps back again over this. I have apologised and tried to explained its an ajustment for me the closed door situation. Am I being unreasonable? I am trying so hard to give her space and not react to how she can be with me. I am now waiting for one to one councelling meanwhile I feel so low.

 

[anthony]

I think your PTSD partner is being completely over the top and unreasonable. Why be in a relationship if they're just going to isolate in a room, with what I agree, is rules, not boundaries. And not healthy ones.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

It must be quite difficult and lonely I'd imagine.

Is she spending a lot of time behind the closed door?

It's not unreasonable to want to spend time with her it's not unreasonable to find it difficult to adjust. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to need space and set boundaries. It's a really great sign that she can say exactly what she needs. Unfortunately it may be the exact opposite of what you need in the relationship.

Thing are might quite bad for her at the moment and she may be unable to give you what you need. I really do not envy you supporters.

The cup explication is great here it is: The Ptsd Cup Explanation

It could be her cup is full and she just can't talk to you right now even chitchat can seem like quantum mechanics when you're not doing great. She could be keeping herself away as she knows she can't be around you without hurting your feelings.

Here's a shit question, what's the other option? When you knock the door

She became annoyed at me and since then has again become distant. She has been irritable with me and says I couldnt follow a simple thing which we agreed.

she pushed away further.

Maybe you'll just have to be patient and reevaluate in a few weeks. It's hard when someone you love pushes you away you want to hold on for dear life but it seems to just make them push back harder.

Remember you can not pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first. I'm glad to see your about to get counselling.

 

[Hopeless17]

I am sorry you feel this way. I know this isn't easy for you an I know you must have your feelings hurt. It sounds like you understand some of what she's going through but it is impossible to get the whole picture. Was there something that triggered her? It doesn't take much for a person with PTSD to become trigger and go on flight mode. It is very normal for them to want to isolate. PLEASE do not take it personally. This has nothing to do with you, this had to do with her and her feelings. It she seeing a therapist for her PTSD? It she on any meds? Are there things happening that may be adding to her stress. People with PTSD don't handle stress well and while most deal with it as is part of life they want to hide in a little bubble and not be seeing by anyone. I know it seems as it's not healthy but sometimes that is all we need, space, boundaries and let her come out of her bubble little by little. She will come to you when she's ready. Keep showing her love, letting her know how much you love her, ask if there is anything you can do for her. It sounds like you really love her and you have been very patient. May you find this post helpful and hope you both can overcome this together. God bless

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's a her issue, not a you issue. I agree that making you text instead of knock at the door is ridiculous. If it's a startle thing, how is a soft knock out of the blue any less jarring than a text alert out of the blue? It sounds petty.

Asking for space and solitude, makes total sense. Making you jump through hoops in your own house is over the top. Boundaries are not to control other people, they are to outline your limits. She is trying to control your behavior.

PTSD can be very selfish, and honestly, there have been times I've had to tell my sufferer he was being a prick about things.

 

[Gadgie]

If your partner wants so much "space" why don't you just do exactly that? Go out on your own more, stop being there just to get "told off and bullied" Don't make yourself be so available, then see what happens, good luck.

 

[Snowflakes]

@jill smith I remember the conversation we had when you first got here in the Introduction forum. I know you felt incredibly guilty for what you said to her out of frustration. I do not doubt she has PTSD but I'm wondering if she is doing this to exact a little bit of "justice" from you because she knows this is hurting you. I don't know Jill, if I'm out of line, please tell me.

In my story, there were times both my sufferer and I said things out of frustration and, in our pain, the thought would creep in: "I'll make him/her pay for screwing with me." Childish? Yes, but frustration will do that.

I don't have an answer. In my case we broke the cycle by going on the thought of "Be careful what you wish for." Towards the end when I thought it was the end, we decided to try again.

I tend to agree with Anthony because your situation reminds me of a similar one in my story. PTSD is not an excuse to be........

 

[Deleted member 37474]

All I know is that PTSD has somehow caused me to need two hour baths every night alone in my bathroom. I will read, process stuff, write in my journal. Sometimes, as a mom, it is the only chance that I get to be alone. It used to startle me when people would open the door or knock on it. Husband would just come in during my bath and it made it impossible to decompress my day. For Christmas, I asked for a lock for my bathroom door. Husband thought it was a Strange gift request, but sure enough, I unwrapped a bathroom door handle/lock. Best gift ever!!!

 

[jill smith]

Thanks all for replies. My partner is still in retreat from me. She thinks I am going to keep invading the space she asked for and is very clear it has to be as she described. No entering or knocking. Today in a heated discussion she graphicly described how my behaviour had made her feel 2weeks ago, how it had "pushed a button" she says her brain is telling her I am not that threat but the trigger is telling her I am....if that makes sence. She described emotionally whst the time behind the closed door gives her and why interrupting that is so detrimental. I understand a little more why it is so important to her after we talked but she still doesn't want to.hear me say it won't happen again. She says her trust still isnt built after the upset of 2weeks ago and she doesn't know if I can be consistent in giving her the space under the conditions she needs. I see total doubt in her face. I am again struggling to stay positive it feels like she is pushing more towards leaving our relationship.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

doesn't want to.hear me say it won't happen again. She says her trust still isnt built after the upset of 2weeks ago

Ffs you had an argument and knocked a door.

I feel like it's hard for me to be objective in this. Because I'm a sufferer but who I am as a person is a supporter (mother and other family members with mental health issues growing up) I have never really seen objectively what it is to be the sufferer in a relationship. If that makes sense, basically I would lie about how bad I'm doing in order to protect my partner. It feels more comfortable to me to hide how bad I am and support someone else (even if they need no support).

But this is bordering on controlling I can't help but think? A couples councillor may be able to have a more objective view of the relationship if that is an option and you both want to go for it.

Maybe give her space in spades and see if she realises how much you give in the relationship? But is that petty? I have no clue all is in my relationship we try to be empathetic and talk shit out and see where the other person is coming from.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think this is a trap a lot of supporters fall into... crazymaking. As in, just because your partner says knocking on the door makes you a heinous person, it doesn't mean that it really does make you a heinous person.

People knock on doors. It's a normal human activity. It doesn't make you a beast. People have arguments. It's normal human activity. It doesn't make you a beast.

You start to buy into the hype... "I'm the most insensitive person in the world. I have an awful personality because xyz"... ummm not so much. It's more like "my partner has a mental illness and this makes no sense to anybody but them. I need to let this one roll off my back and they need to deal with it."

 

[Nessa7]

I normally wouldn't post something like this in the supporters section, but there is a question that I think needs to be asked. Do you think that you might have a problem with alcohol? Being so drunk that you can't remember what you said when you argued is a bit of a red flag. From your first thread, it seems like there has been a recent history of alcohol not agreeing with you. I'm not trying to suggest that you're an alcoholic, but some people react differently to alcohol when they're stressed or emotional.

You can't change her behavior to get her to come out of her room, but you can use this time to reflect on yourself and what you want to do.