Am I Dissociating?

[Alesii]

I'm suffering from emotional numbness and I can't connect to anyone or anything, also my perception of time is out for lunch.. or breakfast, can't tell.
It's just so damn sad not to be able to emotionally recognize your own mother for example.

It's like I feel myself being trapped somewhere inside my body, screaming and clawing my interiors but not being able to break free.
I can feel it somehow that my old self actually is there, but I'm not able to reconnect with it, some could say it feels like I'm being possessed by something that imitates me, but does it too poorly to fool me.
Like I'd be only a projection, shell or a ghost of my former self.
It's like two magnets with same polarity trying to connect, but neither of the magnets doesn't understand to switch the polarity (even tho they could).
I feel like it's getting closer to connect every time I feel it, but for some reason it just doesn't snap back.
Like my soul and mind are separated from my body, kinda like you see how 3D movies look like without them glasses.

I don't have visual dissociations, just the feeling of disconnection towards everything. I've had 2 episodes DP where I was looking my self from 3rd person and questioning everything I said or did (this is not it, tho I have been overanalyzing ALOT, but I think it's more related to the anxiety I had), and 1 episode of DR where I was walking around feeling like I was in a movie. The last one was (I think) the one that stayed, even tho I don't feel like being in a movie, just disconnected.

The worst part is that it consumes my life completely. I'm unable to enjoy anything, and most of the time I don't even feel that there's any meaning at all in.. Anything?

Am I getting anywhere? Does this sound anyway familiar? I seriously dont even know if I'm dissociating or is this just some other sh*t im going trough..

 

[heyheyhey]

Hello, yes this is dissociation. I'm sorry, it can be a horrible experience. But it was vaguely comforting to me, to know that it is so common with severe anxiety and trauma and that many people get it, and that it is simply the brain and the mind protecting us from the pain of anxiety. Are you in trauma therapy at the moment?

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Yes, it sounds like you've been experiencing depersonalization and derealization - they are forms of dissociation.

Dissociation is not a bad thing. It's just something some of us do when our stress level is over the top. Dissociation blunts the pain and helps us make it through the rough spots.

 

[Alesii]

I have attended to talk therapy for some time now, and I see no help from it.

Im currently in benzodiazepine w/d, and I think it causes this state Im currently in. The emotional numbness has been with me about 4 years.

I have alot of experience about dissociation from what I've read and all, but I just wanted a confirmation to the self-diagnosis so I can tell my p-doc about it next time I see her. Not that she'd be able to do anything, but I think it's good if she knew.

I don't see this as a good thing, since my life is just running past me and I'm not able to get anything out from it. I can't remember any dates or what has happened and when. It's just so damn frustrating and I feel like I can't take it for much longer. It feels like life is not worth living if you already feel like you're dead...