Am i faking it for attention?

[nowthisisme]

So i was diagnosed with delayed onset PTSD.
But do i really have it? My day goes by like normal, yes i am exhausted, yes i forget a lot, yes my focus is not the same, and yes i cant sleep. But i am a full time business owner with 4 kids, I am just tired.
My flashbacks aren't as frequent as they used to be and my nightmares are gone. I do wake up multiple times a night and take a very long time to go back to sleep but thats mostly because i have too many things on my mind.
I like talking to my T, she is nice and it feels good to have someone to vent to without judgement. I like the attention i am getting from her. So am i faking my PTSD to get more attention? I have never been the type to seek attention from others but when i got it i enjoyed it and craved for more.
I don't remember much of my childhood abuse, I don't remember much about my childhood in general, whats the worst that can happen if i just ignore the very little memories i have and move on with my life?
I don't see the point in reliving my past, in connecting with my inner child, and dealing with the fear. If i get deeper in the healing process i don't know how long it will take to get to the other side, it can be months or years. So why should i risk it? Why do i need everyone to know what happened to me? Their are so many people out there that lived through much more traumatic events so who am I to sit there sobbing about it.

 

[shimmerz]

My question would be, why were you diagnosed with PTSD in the first place? Was there a meltdown moment in time?

As far as the attention seeking.... this is a post that sums up that many of we sufferers feel like we are faking it. We aren't though. For myself insofar as the faking part, that feeling seems to come because I am dissociated from my traumatized self and until the traumatized reactions come out the issues seem like they aren't a 'real' part of me.

Attention Seeking Faker

 

[Friday]

I like talking to my T, she is nice and it feels good to have someone to vent to without judgement. I like the attention i am getting from her. So am i faking my PTSD to get more attention? I have never been the type to seek attention from others but when i got it i enjoyed it and craved for more.

Lots of people see therapists of varying ilks for life... Purely to provide counsel / independent 3rd parties/ advisors. If you like the paradigm? There doesn't have to be a single thing "wrong" with you, ever. You don't even have to have any problems. Just having someone to spitball with, bounce things off of, process things out with... Whose only focus is what's best for you? Is a valuable thing for many people. At it's base, it's uncomplicated. It's not a friendship, nor romance, nor entangled in various politics (family politics, work politics, religious politics, etc.)... it's a professional working relationship.

So let's assume the premise for a moment that you're faking it for attention. There's no need to. You can see a therapist for the rest of forever with no need or reason to fake anything.

Why do i need everyone to know what happened to me?

You don't. Unless you want to.

I don't see the point in reliving my past, in connecting with my inner child, and dealing with the fear. If i get deeper in the healing process i don't know how long it will take to get to the other side, it can be months or years. So why should i risk it?

These, to me, are much harder questions. Mostly, because the answers are going to be highly individual, and subject to change. Evolving risk assessments & risk reward ratios always are.

 

[nowthisisme]

My question would be, why were you diagnosed with PTSD in the first place? Was there a meltdown momen...

Thank you for share that thred, it did help and i do relate to many of there comments.

I did not have any kind of meltdown, i am not suicidal and i control my temper and anger VERY well (something my T wasnt me to release). about 2 years ago i began losing focus alot and i began experiencing short term memory loss. I was working 2 jobs and raising 4 kids, i figured I'm over doing it so i cut back my hours and hired a nanny to help but it didn't get better. i began seeing one specialists after another trying to figure out whats wrong with me. Then the nightmares began, really bad waking up screaming nightmares a few months later my flashbacks began, thats when my doctor sent me to a therapists who diagnosed me with PTSD. I am NOT the same person i was 2 years ago, i feel like i am going back im time, my speech has deteriorated, i can only focus for a few mintues at a time, my comprehension is very poor, and i barely know how to spell anymore .. I am scared and feel like i would never go back to who i was. But i am also worried that it is more then just PTSD. what if i was misdiagnosed? My doctors are all focusing on this and ruled out a lot of other possibilities but what if they missed something? Yes i was abused but it never effected my life before i began seeing my T, my flashbacks were very quick small memories, i barley felt them. Now my flashbacks are so intense i felt my whole body shake and i had pain in every single muscle.

 

[nowthisisme]

Lots of people see therapists of varying ilks for life... Purely to provide counsel / independent 3rd pa...

Ya you are right, yes my T has helped me in so many ways and has taught me so many things about myself. I regret not going to her years ago, it would have defentily been helpful.
After 4 sessions she told me i had PTSD and it was a complete shock to me. i just went in zombie mode, a mix of emotions and i doubted her, i hadn't even told her what type of abuse i got or how long it lasted for or anything about it.
I mean it makes sense and i am going through with her treatment but i still feel i am missing a big piece to my puzzle.

Also every store i read about CSA, survivors told their stories to family, friends, then the world. I can never do that. Thats one thing my T was hinting to me when we first started but i completely shut her down on that. I will NEVER tell a single person from my family or friends even if i die unhealed. It is not something i will do.

 

[Freida]

. I am NOT the same person i was 2 years ago, i feel like i am going back im time, my speech has deteriorated, i can only focus for a few mintues at a time, my comprehension is very poor, and i barely know how to spell anymore .. I am scared and feel like i would never go back to who i was. But i am also worried that it is more then just PTSD. what if i was misdiagnosed? M

My T nailed it within our first 3 meetings and I yelled at when she said I had ptsd. I refused to accept the diagnosis for a long time. Meanwhile my doctor, who agreed with my T, spent a year running every test in the book to determine why my memory was failing, I was losing my words, I couldn't focus, blah blah. And they finally got me to understand that yes. Ptsd comes with physical effects. These are them.

I asked the same questions. Sure shit happened back in the day, but it wasn't that bad, so why was it making me nuts now?.
Answer....because it was time. And yep...as I started dealing it's gotten worse. But not dealing was no longer an option either

I'm sorry for such a crap answer...But hopefully it will help knowing you are kinda normal.... In this world at least

 

[shimmerz]

I was working 2 jobs and raising 4 kids, i figured I'm over doing it so i cut back my hours and hired a nanny to help but it didn't get better.

Yes, I can relate to this very much. The 'lots of kids/responsibilities' acted, for me, like smoke and mirrors over top of the real issue. Past trauma's coming to the surface.

Sucked.