Am I Not Being Reasonable?

[Catherine167]

I've been in a relationship now for over a year. It's my first real relationship and she is great in everything she does.

The problem is, when she doesn't. We live about an hour from one another, which to her is a fairly long distance relationship. She's never dated someone outside the town she lives in. I've been in the military for 7.5 years, 4 active duty, and 3 active guard which has required me to travel about 50% of the time, being away from 1-6 mos at a time. My perspective of long distance is very different than hers as a civilian.

I've been having some more acute symptoms the last few weeks, and have been asking her to come up more. Originally she declined, citing her status as a homebody. I told her that if I couldn't get what I needed from her, the relationship was going to end. I made clear that this wasn't an ultimatum, but that I didn't know how long I could continue the way things were going. Things got better. She promised to try harder.

Fast forward three short weeks, and I'm having a bad day. I have been symptomatic all week and yesterday snapped at two officers at work. Today, I felt like people were against me, talking about me, etc (paranoia has been my most significant symptom). I was highly anxious. I asked her to come up and spend some time with me because her presence always calms me. She is coming over tomorrow and said she's not going to come hang out with me, go to work, then come back. I offered to let her use my car and my gas, and she said that I should put some music on. I felt and was being dismissive, so I got pissed off and lit into her.

My question is, am I being unreasonable? With this being my first real relationship, I don't know. I always felt like if you were in a loving relationship and something bad was happening, the other person would be there for you. I've called in sick to go lay in bed with her on particularly bad days in her battle with depression. I also can't trust my emotions right now. Mood swings have been something I've been struggling with, so as much as this has really hurt my feelings, I honestly don't know if I'm entitled to be that hurt.

I feel bad for her because when we got together, I was happy and healthy. This last year has taken both of those things from me. I'm not the same person. I grew up in a mentally and physically abusive household, so I'm worried that this is the same running antics that kept me single until my late 20s.

What do you think?

 

[Justmehere]

Long distance (yes even an hour apart) relationships are tough even without PTSD. Dating is all about finding relationships that fit. There will always be things to negotiate...

It seems like you have been clear about what you need in order to stay in the relationship: more time together. What you would like to be able to continue the relationship seems reasonable to me.

It seems like she is being clear about what she is willing/able to do as well: continue the relationship as is. Her limits and boundaries also seem reasonable. I also think she is reasonable to suggest utilizing other coping skills when she is not able to meet your needs. She's pretty clear about what she is able to do, and depression makes it hard to get out and do stuff.

What you need and what she needs to be able to be in a relationship together may simply be different. Neither is more or less reasonable than the other.

It might be worth examining if you are asking her to spend more time with you only when you are more symptomatic, or in general. I'm not saying you are doing this, but it might be worth considering. It's great you are willing to help make the time together more feasible for her. I also wonder, why can't you drive to go meet her instead of her driving to meet you? Does she offer alternative times to be there for you? There might be a compromised solution for you both.

I have two people in my life that have expressed they find me to be someone safe to reach out to when they are struggling. One of them, let's call them person A, reaches out to spend extra time together only when her mental healthy symptoms are bad. The other person, let's call them person B, does it when things are going well and when things are going bad. Both of them have been there for me when I am struggling.

When person A contacts me for more time together just when they are struggling (or when I am in a bad place), I kind of feel a bit used in the relationship. I want to be there for her, but I kind of also can't be her therapist, ya know? I also find it hard to be there when she refuses to use other supports or coping skills. I don't suggest them unless he specifically asks for ideas, but it's hard when she says she won't do anything else. The other person, it's more of a two way relationship, and I find myself naturally being more willing to give up more to be able to be there and be a support for her.

For both people, there are times where I simply can't be a support to them, and it has nothing to do with them. At the end of some of my work days, I couldn't imagine driving two hours to see someone who was struggling, especially if I was battling depression myself. I simply could not do it. It would not be about my level of care and concern and investment in them or the relationship, but simply my own limits of what I'm able to do. Based on what you have described, this might be the case for your partner. Just like you have a limit on what you are able to do in a day, and that limit has nothing to do with your commitment to a relationship, she has a limit too.

Also, consider what you are doing to build up other supports for you. Regardless if this relationship lasts or not, the best supporter-sufferer relationships thrive in part because there is a larger support network for the sufferer and supporter. It doesn't fall all on one person. This doesn't mean going out and finding someone else to date, but having friends and other people who can be there for you on a really symptomatic day.

Because symptoms have been worsening, please also consider investing in treatment too, if you have not already. That is going to help any relationship thrive over the long haul, regardless of what happens for this one.

It might also be worthwhile to consider that someone who is clear they are a bit of a homebody might not mesh well with the lifestyle of someone in the military who is used to travel and changing locations a lot. It doesn't make either perspective or lifestyle right or wrong, it just is.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Catherine167 if I was in a relationship with someone and they told me that my presence calmed them, and then called me to come to their aid everytime they were having a bad day or anxious.... Then that would put a huge amount of stress on me.

Honestly, I don't think it's fair of you to ask her to be your calming/security blanket. It's up to you to find ways to calm yourself. Healthy coping skills to help you bring down your anxiety and paranoia.

I think it's ok to be there for each other at times, but for the most part you both need to find ways to cope. Her for her depression and you for your paranoia and anxiety.

 

[Catherine167]

I understand.

Up until I started having more significant issues in the last month, I was nearly always the one traveling. I drove to her 2-5 times per week. This month, I've asked her to take more of the burden of the travel because of my work/school schedule and my symptoms. They are worst at night.

I've had family rotating to stay with me since I've gotten bad. I'm already in therapy, but I can't afford to go as much as I should be. I am working on other coping mechanisms, but today I was tired and felt like she was just trying to pass the buck. Me being the buck.

I'm starting to realize that maybe love isn't enough.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Relationships are hard and when both of you have issues, then it just compounds everything. Your relationship can work, you both just need to have realistic wants, and needs for each other. Each of you need to work on yourselves separately and then work with each other to work out what will work for the both of you.

It will be a give and take, but it can work. Lowering expectations of each other may actually work better for the both of you....

 

[EveHarrington]

Uhm she's using the homebody excuse.

If someone is a homebody they should most definitely not be in a long distance relationship.

Unless it's an Internet only thing.

I think it may be time to move on since she doesn't even want to visit you. It sounds like she only wants to be there when things are good. This is unfortunately becoming more common as people don't understand that relationships are about give/take, good/bad.

 

[Catherine167]

At what point do I lower my expectations too much, and am just being taken advantage of? That's what usually happens...

 

[scout86]

First, in answer to your original question, what you're asking wouldn't seem like to much to me, personally. But, everyone's different. (And an hour away doesn't meet my personal definition of 'long distance.') But, it's totally possible that what you're asking seems like too much to her. Which doesn't necessarily mean she's out to take advantage of you or anything like that. Just that the 2 of you have different ways of looking at things and this might be a big enough issue that it turns out to be a deal breaker. ' No harm, no foul'? It's entirely possible that she purely doesn't understand. That happens with a lot of very well intended people.

I hope things get back to something approaching normal for you real soon. (And welcome to the forum!)

 

[Friday]

My rule of thumb: Whenever I ask anyone anything? "No" is always an okay answer. If it's not? I'm not asking them. I'm ordering them. So I need to be very clear my own self, whether I'm asking or ordering.

So, on the one hand, yeah. I would class lighting into someone for telling you no, unreasonable.

On the other hand? It's not unreasonable to do exactly what you did in laying out your wants in a relationship, nor to break up with her if those aren't things she can do. Regardless of what she *said* she would do or not, when the rubber meets the road? That's what I need to pay attention to, especially with civilians.

So I don't think your expectations are unreasonable. Just the second part of how you handled it.

***
Unasked for opinion to follow:

I have an extremely hard time dating civilians. I've done it. Hell. I even married one. But I don't really enjoy it, and have never dated a civvie I can just be easy with. There is a massive culture gap with most people. The when I'm here, I'm here // when I'm not I'm not... Full on//full off... Is one of those. As is what constitutes an emergency. As is the levels I'm personally willing to go to anyone I class as a friend, much less more than that, and vice versa. As are when I'm playing vs when I'm being serious (and serious play and playing while serious). And a whole lot of other stuff. That, really, is just culture more than anything.

Are there amaaaaazing mil-spouses? Yes. Damn straight. But they stop being normal civilians at some point on the ride. It's an entirely different lifestyle, different culture, and those who can't hack it don't tend to stay on. Either they get their spouse to leave, or they divorce. You know the type. Which is the feeling I'm getting about your girl, from what you've written.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can I ask why you think you need to lower your expectations?

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the least.

Time is the number 1 thing that someone can give me and if they can't give me that, I move on. (I don't care so much about getting things, etc).

 

[Justmehere]

At what point do I lower my expectations too much, and am just being taken advantage of? That's what usually happens...

I don't think you should lower what you want and need in a relationship (this is different than lowering expectations) and I don't think you are being taken advantage of either.

The lifestyle you and your partner are seeking to have is simply different. Neither is better or worse than the other. It just is. She's a stay at home person and you are more comfortable with travel. Think about this long term. If you are stationed in a different city or state, do you expect her to come with you? The conflict you and her are experiencing now might actually be helpful information for what to expect down the road.

She and you are both being clear about what you need and want in the relationship. You now get to choose if what she is able/willing to do is the right fit for you or not. Same for her.

It is so great you have family to stay with you on a rotating basis. Right now, I think your primary focus should be on symptom stabilization using supports outside of her. She's clear on what she can do, reasonable or not. There are a couple of inpatient programs for active military with PTSD. I did a program myself that was half active military and half working professionals - and it radically changed my life and jumpstarted my recovery and really helped get my feet under me. I know it's a bit complicated to get into a program like that, but it is possible for some situations. Since things are spiraling down even with the treatment you have now, it might be worthwhile to invest in an option like that.

So glad you are already connected to treatment and I hope things begin to turn around for you soon. :hug:

 

[Catherine167]

Thanks, guys.

I had apologized for my reaction, and also explained my reasons for it. My feelings were really hurt when she wasn't there for me when I needed her. It makes me feel like she doesn't care. I tend do be someone who doesn't ask for help from anyone, which is why my family has been so incredibly supportive; they know if I'm asking for help, I'm in bad shape. I'm trying not to get too dependent on them, and so I'm staying by myself 1-3 times/week and trying to practice the guided imagery my therapist taught me... but last week I ended up with scratches/cuts on my hands and I couldn't figure out where they came from until I realized one of them is pretty clearly a nail puncture. Must have been a result of a particularly bad night terror. I didn't even notice it at the time. So I can't be alone too much right now.

I've told my family and my girlfriend that my goal is to get back to being self sufficient, but my therapist thinks it's important that I lean on them to give me breaks from the anxiety while I'm learning my coping mechanisms. That was why I asked for her help; not because I expect to continue to rely on it, but just because I needed a break from the emotions and anxiety. My reaction came from a place of hurt and I should have stopped and walked away before I responded.

I haven't dated civilians in the past, Friday. I've never met one who "got it" like she does, which is why I've made the exception. She also won't seek treatment for her depression, so I do feel like we're at a bit of an impasse. She says she will, but when it comes down to it, it's always "I don't need to pay some stupid doctor to tell me I'm messed up." Anyone have suggestions on ways I could change her mind? I'm hoping that if she sees my therapy helping me, that that will be enough to change her mind, but I'm open to suggestions.

I'm not sure if anyone here has ever read The Five Love Languages (I recommend it if you haven't), but her primary language is quality time. Mine is quality time as well, but I have a secondary language of acts of service. I know this because I don't feel loved when I'm constantly having to go to her. If I feel like she stops putting in effort, I cease to feel loved. I've told her this, and even bought her the book (the military edition, hoping it would help her understand me more). She didn't read it past the first few pages. I think maybe I ought to try some of the exercises, at least, even if she doesn't read the book. Maybe it'll help.

I don't feel like I should lower my standards, but people keep telling me that I should. A lot of people told me that's why I stayed single for so long (I think it had more to do with denying who I was). Growing up in an abusive household, I thought I couldn't love. Turns out I can, and I want to hang onto it. I'm willing to put in the effort and try my best....but I wonder how much it will help if she's not matching my effort?