Am I over reacting? When to say enough!

[snowangel35]

I have a therapist who I really like (I have intense transference feelings for) and who I feel has helped me in many ways. Despite this my time with her has been for the most part very very painful with only intermittent feelings of feeling cared for by her. I have had a rupture that is literally the exact same rupture we had at the same time last year. Basically she forgot an important event that I told her about the session previous. It has taken me a long loooong time to really start to feel her trust and now it seems like it’s gone... it took me a good few sessions to get over the rupture the last time and I am so angry and hurt it has happened again (Again). I do believe she ‘cares’ about her clients in general but just does not care to the level I had hoped. My bar wasn’t that high only that she would care enough to renege this event. Anyway, I am beginning to feel like I have had enough and can no longer take the constant cycle of pain. When do you know enough is enough ? I get that therapy is painful but it just feels like there is lots of pain and anguish and it seems never-ending. I am essentially wondering if a different style of therapy would be better for C-PTSD or if I am just wanting to run away as I am in a particular bad space with it at the moment? I am extremely attached to my so leaving would be extremely heartbreaking and painful for me in itself. I just feel so stuck and fed up. If I am being honest I have had these feelings for a long time.

 

[blackemerald1]

if I am just wanting to run away as I am in a particular bad space with it at the moment?

^^Have you discussed any of this with your T? That's what I would do... if you can be open and honest and tell your T that your feelings are hurt. It might be a good way of getting past the stuck bit.

I do think you want more from your T than is probably professionally recommended and I think maybe you do know this. Or, possibly you think there are other T's out there that will cross over that line and allow greater transference... But idk if that is a healthy thing to be seeking.

Are you moving forward in terms of recovery from your illness? That is a measure of success... not a T accidentally or even purposely failing to acknowledge a personal anniversary of yours.

 

[snowangel35]

^^Have you discussed any of this with your T? That's what I would do... if you can be open and honest and tell your T that your feelings are hurt. It might be a good way of getting past the stuck bit.

I do think you want more from your T than is probably professionally recommended and I think maybe you do know this. Or, possibly you think there are other T's out there that will cross over that line and allow greater transference... But idk if that is a healthy thing to be seeking.

Are you moving forward in terms of recovery from your illness? That is a measure of success... not a T accidentally or evenpurposely failing to acknowledge a personal anniversary of yours.

Yes, I have spoken to my T about my concerns. They have just mirrored back my feelings and whilst it's good to talk them through it doesn't lessen the pain. It's not just about this one event really though is it. This is just what has pushed me over the edge. I know I want more from my T than is professionally recommended and I am aware that I cannot get that. I do wonder however if a more 'open' approach type therapy would be more suitable for me. By open I mean soomeone who is therapy style allows them to be more authentic and themselves within the boundaries of the theapeutic frame. I mean I actually think a more 'open' therapist would help lessen the transference not make it greater. IMO part of the intensity is generated because I am generally always wondering and imagining and never quite sure of the care as it is never explicit (by that I don't mean physically).
I don't consider myself as someone who has an illness. I have made improvements in my life. I am less triggered by things and have less emotional flashbacks and anxiety. I guess at the end of the day I am wondering if a different type of therapy would be best suited for me.

 

[Friday]

I do wonder however if a more 'open' approach type therapy would be more suitable for me. By open I mean soomeone who is therapy style allows them to be more authentic and themselves within the boundaries of the theapeutic frame.

What would that look like?

I am wondering if a different type of therapy would be best suited for me.

What type do you do now?

 

[snowangel35]

What would that look like?

I'm not quite sure. I just know there are other types of therapy whereby therapists are more explicit with their care (that's if they do care). I am not saying I know whether or not if that is the right thing for me but I am asking the question and throwing out thoughts. I find it so hard to hold on the feelings of care and spend every week longing. It feels like I have spent the past 3 years this way and I just feel tired from it! I know therapy is not meant to be a walk in the park I just wonder when does the pain and anguish get to the level of it being too much or the point where one should consider something different. Although in saying that I I think I would stop going to therapy completely if I was to stop seeing this therapist. I have invested so much time and money and hardwork I just can't see myself starting again and perhaps I would just run into the same issues again anyway.

What type do you do now?

.
Psychoanalytic psychotherapy.

 

[Abstract]

hmm. Psychodynamic has helped me in the past in certain ways but I suspect for what you are talking about it isnt the best. In context of needing to treat your ptsd. If you didn't have PTSD and were just working on deeper stuff then maybe. It sounds like you are also struggling to with the distance in therapy. Thats common in psychodynamic approaches. Yes it may be that you want to run away and staying committed may help but I do think its worth considering other types of therapy. Have you done anything different before and if so how did you feel in it? Where are you with your PTSD and has someone done ptsd skills training with you?

 

[whiteraven]

Psychoanalytic psychotherapy.

I did this for awhile and it was horrible. In my experience, it was very...cold. The relationship was a very distanced, detached one, and I don't do well with that kind of a set-up.

It was much better for me to work with someone who could be professional but more personal.

 

[Sideways]

So, this idea is probably going to go down like a lead balloon, but I’m gonna throw it out there anyway...

Your idea is to perhaps find a T willing to be more explicit about how they care, as that would deal with your constant worry.

Yet, you seem to be comfortable with the idea that your current T does genuinely care. The problem is that you’ve interpreted her forgetting a detail that you shared as evidence that she doesn’t care enough.

2 big issues with that. First, her forgetting that detail is not evidence of how much she cares. Second, how much care are you going to look for in a T, if you accept already that this current T cares? And is that level of care therapeutic? Or just cathartic?

Seems to me that finding a T that puts energy towards constantly reassuring you, explicitly, that they care, more so than your current T - that sounds like something that could very easily feed your transference issues, rather than help you work through them.

So, what if you tried the exact opposite? Something that would feel reeeeally uncomfortable. And did a DBT or CBT group therapy course. For a period.

The thing about groups like that (if they’re good ones) is the boundaries are usually super crystal clear. And while the T is usually (naturally) invested in seeing their patients get good outcomes, they can’t provide that 1-on-1, “This is how much I care...” type reassurance that you’re seeking.

Thing is, you don’t need your T to have this immense amount of personal, emotional investment in you in order for therapy to be productive. Quite the opposite - you need a T to be level, objective. The boundaries in a group setting would be challenging for you (big time), but perhaps also healthier?

The kind of care that I think you’re looking for is the kind you find in a solid friendship or intimate relationship, not from a T. Your T is there for something else entirely. Focusing on skills (like CBT or DBT) would perhaps flesh out some of those distortions and emotions that are feeding your transference issues, in a setting where your urge to satiate those issues will be met with clear, consistent and healthy boundaries.

Just an idea. Not likely a popular one, but felt like floating it past you might still be worth a thought...

 

[Friday]

So, what if you tried the exact opposite? Something that would feel reeeeally uncomfortable. And did a DBT or CBT group therapy course. For a period.

HUGE second to this. :tup: It is a dayum good idea, bordering on brilliant. For all the reasons listed. As well as it would be a good transition IMO between one kind of therapy and another.

Psychoanalytic psychotherapy.

I don’t personally get on with the psychodynamic approach, at all. It’s simply rubs my fur the wrong way. That’s pretty common in psych. There are dozens of schools of thought, and nothing works for everyone. No matter the paradigm some people will love it, some people will find it useful for this but not that, and some people will hate it. <<< That’s complicated by personality & skill. Meaning that working with someone who is amaaaaazing (they’re phenom at their job AND our personalities get on like a house on fire) in a school of thought I despise can be far more useful to me than working with a moron that I can’t stand in a school of thought I love and get on with.

I’d think that after a year or more of working with this T you probably have a pretty good idea of what’s working vs what’s not. Sounds like her personality is a good fit, but the type of therapy isn’t. To my mind that’s a great time to start lookin at other options. Like a trauma therapist, instead of a psychoanalyst.

And, as I said above, I couldn’t agree more strongly with switching tacks entirely, for a spell. Regardless of what direction you choose to go in long term. Building up necessary tools, in an environment with crystal clear boundaries? Seriously good idea.

 

[Abstract]

I too was thinking DBT was probably the best idea at this point from what you are saying. Im not sure if you have gone down that road before so that would be interesting to know.

The way I think of it is this: psychodynamic especially engages transference. Pulls it out and does it in a way where there is little reassurance. It both engages these attachment things if they are an issue and yet keeps a fair amount of distance. The trouble with this other than the difficult feelings you are experiencing is that it can take over therapy and distract you from doing the work on PTSD.

Although I agree about the reassurance of her caring I think its probably better not to focus on this as I see it as a symptom of the situation. Will say that with other more interactive styles of therapy it is the warmer feeling over all that tends not intensify the other stuff. Not about someone constantly reassuring you.

If you do DBT then you will be doing skills with proper distance. Distance that is not about the relationship and therefore doesn't feel so confusing. If you do it in formal classes you can do another type of talk therapy at the same time. Or do some DBT and then go back to something else. Maybe read up about the different types and see what you think would work for you. We are all unique.

If therapy is going around in circles then thats when it wise to think if it working and what you should do about it.

 

[snowangel35]

hmm. Psychodynamic has helped me in the past in certain ways but I suspect for what you are talking about it isnt the best. In context of needing to treat your ptsd. If you didn't have PTSD and were just working on deeper stuff then maybe. It sounds like you are also struggling to with the distance in therapy. Thats common in psychodynamic approaches. Yes it may be that you want to run away and staying committed may help but I do think its worth considering other types of therapy. Have you done anything different before and if so how did you feel in it? Where are you with your PTSD and has someone done ptsd skills training with you?

No I have never done other types of therapy in the past. I definitely struggle with the distance in the therapy relationship. I am not sure what it is I am even looking for. I know constant verbal reassurance of someone’s care is not the answer at all and would t be helpful. I guess sometimes there are times when to me my therapists response is the opposite of what an average response might be which triggers me a lot! There are times when I feel cared for somewhat but I can’t hold on to it or she just says one thing and my head is full of doubt and it’s gone

 

[Abstract]

Its probably hard to know how you would react in a warmer type of therapy and you would have to wait and see if it arose again. Not sure if you have looked at attachment stuff before but if there is a preoccupied attachment pattern then closeness can sometimes just mean you crave more and more. It doesn't take the pain away. This type of therapy is by nature there to bring out patterns you have in relationships. On the other hand you could just be reacting to the quite cool distant nature of the type of t you are having and if the style was warmer you would be fine. Having something engage relationship patterns you have may not be the best use of your time at the moment.

I think first things first as you have PTSD and it seems haven't had anything specifically usually thought to be helpful. What is it you struggle with the most with at the moment on a day to day level? Has anyone shown you even the basic skills for PTSD like grounding etc?

Well done for thinking about it and trying to find what you need. ?