Relationship Am I Over Reacting??

[fmg12]

Am I me the only who has anxiety when I don't hear from my love who suffers from PTSD??Before me and my love's relationship progressed to something deeper,he would disappear, It would always turn into a wait and see issue.Before he revealed to me he had PTSD he would disappear for weeks or months and I not know why?? He would always return and tell me he had to "get himself together" what ever that meant. Since him revealing to me he has PTSD we have gotten closer and we obviously have feelings for each other. However he has not cut himself off from me in a long time since he's revealed to me has PTSD. Instead of weeks or months,I may not hear from him in a couple of days which triggers my anxiety and has lead to me popping up at his house unannounced,something I've never done. He wasn't upset about it, although he may now feel I'm over reacting.To me he had pattern..When he doesn't answer my calls or text for days that meant he would disappear for a very long time...

 

[KwanYingirl]

What would you like advice on?

 

[fmg12]

Hi KwanYingirl,I wanted to know if I was over reacting and having unnecessary anxiety over my love who would disappear and ignore my calls or texts from days on,and if it was normal or if anyone else goes throught the same thing I do??

 

[arfie]

I do not believe my husband is over-reacting when I do this to him. Nor do I believe my sons are over-reacting. I believe it is a fair anxiety and I experience tremendous remorse over it. Unfortunately, I am not seeing alternatives beyond letting them feel the full metal jacket of my cPTSD. Not a valid alternative in my heart. So far as I can see, I am forced into a position of having to choose between evils. As hard as I know my disappearances to be on them, I believe it is the lesser evil. I do what I can to make it up to them, but... Ouch!!!

Gentle validation, fmg. I am so sorry you are in this position. No, I do not believe you are over-reacting. I pray you have support to help you through it.

Is it good news that I really do use the time to work through the issues of my PTSD and their willingness to forgive me and welcome be back allows for healing beyond measure? I am eternally grateful for their place in my healing journey.

 

[.Bubbles.]

Are you over reacting? In a way. I can totally understand the anxiety when he "disappears" You worry about him and feel rejected, right? And it would be nice if he just text you or something, to let you know he's ok and just needs space. I don't think he is being fair ignoring you. However...

Turning up at his house, when he hasn't been in contact for a couple of days, is a bit much. And how often are you texting/calling him when he's ignoring you? He may be feeling overwhelmed, and constant texts/calls/emails/showing up uninvited may be pushing him away more. IMO, a couple of days is more understandable than weeks or months.

Now...what do you want? He has shown you that this is a pattern with him. He disappears. He ignores your contact. Are you ok with this? You need to think if this is the kind of relationship you want. Only you can answer that.

 

[darrenS]

I would set some boundaries just to simply protect your own mental health, ptsd is a real bummer to live with , but it does not mean that you have to develop a condition too by being under constant stress. I would tell him what you expect as fair behavior and set some clear guidlines/boundaries. ptsd or not , your own feelings are just as important.

 

[BloomInWinter]

With or without PTSD, simply disappearing without the basic decency of communicating is abusive, disrespectful, and is not ok.

Anyone who supposedly cares about our feelings would not be able to do this because they would be unwilling to hurt us.

This is not a healthy nor normal part of a relationship. If he didn't have PTSD, would you still be trying to convince yourself that your feelings about it are wrong, or would you just label it is his behavior which is not ok?

You alone can decide if you're willing to settle for so little in your relationship. Assuming this pattern will persist your whole lives together, are you ok with it? If so, then be gentle with yourself about whatever feelings you have, and make your own plans for such times. If not, ask a professional for tips on how to draw some boundaries and clearly communicate them.

That regular pattern of emotional abandonment would be terribly upsetting to most people, I think. Try not to minimize your feelings, and instead, explore what they are trying to tell you. You obviously care about him a great deal. You also deserve to be loved in a manner which there is no abandonment, mixed-messages, and chaos.

Trust your gut. You get to decide what is acceptable to you and what is not, and your feelings don't lie.

 

[.Bubbles.]

Just to be clear...I don't think you are over reacting by feeling anxious/hurt. It's understandable that you feel this way. All I'm saying, is in my opinion, constant contact and showing up at his house when he's ignoring you is not a great idea. I don't think it helps you or him. I totally agree with being frank with him and setting some boundaries.

This is coming from someone who's been there, done that, and is learning, lol.

Good luck!

 

[fmg12]

Thanks to you all for you input.