Am I overreacting to my mother saying PTSD is my fault?

[sundailk]

Ok well, my health is still on the decline, so much I had to put my two weeks in. I know my body this isn't PTSD and I wish I never disscused it with anyone especially my mother. I've been extremely ill for a few months.

So today I was having a simple discussion with my mother about the show afflicted and how the people on the show are being harrassed. Then she said you never told me how you got PTSD, you don't tell people things. I snapped back and said yes I did, I told you what I've been through in school. Then she just started screaming at least I told my mother what I went through I spoke up as a kid, what you're going though now is your fault, because you didn't know how to speak up. That was the most disgusting thing I've ever heard, because if I tell her why I as a child didn't trust her she gets pissed. It's a constant circle of bring blamed for ptsd, so I just walked off and said "that's ignorant" oh she comes behind me yelling like a banshee, you shouldve told me, but its your fault. So I gave her the same tone she gave me and yelled back at how I'm sick of her bullshit, then she tried to play like she was going to get a knife? All the times I had to sit through her screaming and being silent, I never picked up a thing at her. So basically PTSD is my fault.

I don't think its ever ok to tell someone they are at fault for PTSD. I tried to educate her, but I think shes manipulative vs stupid the way she said that to me and snarled for 30 mins about being able to come to her mother.

I can't work because whatever this is is taking me down and is making my actual PTSD worse because I'm doctor bouncing, my body is failing. Like I can barley move, but all of this is my fault. It's hard so very, but I'm tettering on a restraining order once I get help.

 

[shimmerz]

what you're going though now is your fault,

She'd for sure be off my Christmas List, if I had one.

Not sure how old you are but if you are still young enough or dependent enough (due to your health issues) to have to live with her then I would suggest stating that any time she yells at you and attempts to assign PTSD as 'your fault' ---- a consequence that allows you to remove yourself will immediately occur.

 

[Anarchy]

^^^^^ in my totally biased opinion, shimmi is absolutely sound.


Yeah, like a child has all of the smarts compared to an adult...

The child is supposed to see all of the possible angles and their manifold implications for decades into the future, and, in the centre of all of those events, parse them all so that the ignorant iq75 narcissists in their life can understand all possible future implications...

Yeah, feckin right, f'real!

Ok, frontal lobe development (the bits of the brain that cover logical thought) is only complete in your mid twenties

A child or teen is not actually capable of the level of insight or understanding that is being expected of you at that age.

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Ok ^^^^^ that break is for a reason


I'm a few years into this: but it doesn't mean that I have more or better insights into it than you or anyone else

I'm just deeper into my own, far too comfortable rut.

@Ronin once joked that narcissistic personality, is the disorder that everyone on here's mother had.

I agree

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^^^^ yeah, that break means something as well


It took me until aboot me half century to realise that my family is full of twisted narcissists going all of the way back to about the year 1800 and beyond.

We don't get cptsd in isolation

Really, we don't.

One of the founding principles of family therapy, is that groups, families, churches, societies, nations... try to project all of their dysfunction onto selected scapegoats.


Those scapegoats are taught that they are the crazy ones , they are the deranged ones, they should have known better at ages 2 to 10 or 16 or 21, than the adults in the vicinity did... because (it wasn't the adults fault, it was feckin well yours at 3 years old, you should ha' could ha' would ha'...

If you'd been any feckin good, but you weren't any damn good... at 3 years old.

I'm using 3 as an example. Your frontal lobes were not fully developed until you were in your mid 20s.
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^^^^^^ that break is there for a reason as well

A guy called Bowlby, was one of the main researchers into what's now called "attachment theory"

His main research was in the second world war and into the 1950s and beyond

He sought to study children who were evacuated from British cities during the Blitzkrieg bombing, to the British countryside, children who were taken until state "care" (into orphanages), or into long term hospitalization, back in the days before tuberculosis was brought under control

As these were events that parents could not argue against in the future, They were things that had genuinely and actually happened and been recorded.
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My own experience and observations here suggest that the most frequent experience is for parents to claim that we had wonderful happy childhoods and wonderful parents


Any differences we have with that opinion are down to us being nasty, ungrateful, liars, nutz, delusional, false memories...

We've likely already been taught to doubt our own judgement and memories, when they're in conflict with the memories of a "superior" person.

My personal experience, and an experience that I have seen others relate here

Is that we don't get much acceptance when we try to talk to parents and family. They have too much to lose for them to tell the truth

Or to openly recognise the truth when it is presented to them.
It threatens everything that they imagine themselves to be.


Sorry to be so bleak and hurtful. It doesn't necessarily reflect everyone's life history
But it is my experience

@

 

[Friday]

It doesn’t matter if someone is attacking me with words in a language I don’t speak. That they’re attempting to attack me? Is enough.

Ditto... it doesn’t matter if they’re using a foreign language to attempt to coerce, intimidate, pressure me by any way into doing something I don’t want to do.

The words they’re using? To my way of thinking, are just window dressing. It’s the intent behind the words that matters. If someone is spitting venom at me, it doesn’t matter if the words they use are charming compliments. It’s still venom. And all it does? Is tell me about them. Not about me.

The words only matter if they’re worth listening to.

 

[scout86]

From the little that you've said about your mother, nothing suggests that going her for help as a child would have helped you. You probably knew that. The only way I can see to react to someone like that is to avoid them. Sorry you lost the parent lottery.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sounds like to me she is the one who taught you to NOT speak up or else you’d be screamed at by a wild banshee!

 

[Fadeaway]

@scout86 I get the same impression.

 

[Slushie]

It sounds like she blames herself because maybe deep down she realises she wasn't an approachable person, she sure doesn't sound approachable now either. Shocking the way she acted towards you, terrible to victim blame.

 

[grit]

I am sorry you are living under these conditions. I am not a rocket scientist but I would say your mother lacks empathy (I mean you are not feeling well and her support is to yell and provoke). Wow!

I am sorry you must live with this person. I admire you are clearly intelligent being to see who she is and hope you have a journal so you can write down and take it out of your system.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Im so sorry your having to endure this. Sounds like the behaviour my own mother shows. My mum has borderline personality disorder... Research it... Maybe your mum has that too. But that does not excuse their drama ramma..

 

[Abstract]

Your mother sounds manipulative, self obsessed and profoundly lacking in empathy or the emotions one hopes a mother will feel. I am so sorry that you have experienced this. This added to trauma somehow compounds it so much doesn't it? No wonder you never told. Sounds like your powers of reasoning were working very well, and you were the child! When I can do it I find reminding myself what someone is capable of providing is helpful. Recognising something (someone!) for who they are helps me to only expect behaviour that is appropriate to that. Rather than what the person should be. Get less repeatedly hurt that way. When it is possible. Oh and PTSD isn't IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

[Gamera3000]

I don’t know the whole story here, like it seems like you live with this highly irrational person. I don’t think it’s a good idea to be around a person who is acting like they’re going to use a weapon against you.

If it was me I’d do whatever it took to live elsewhere. You may not feel like it’s possible, but maybe there are options you haven’t considered.