Am i wasting my time?

[Suzetig]

I think the anxiety around talking about “parts” in the context of trauma is the seriously overused language of DID, to where if you mention part of you reacting in X way, or feeling Y people start thinking about multiple personalities or alters.

I think I’m fact we all have different parts to our personality - partvof ne is very outgoing, enthusiastic and supportive, I can also be incredibly organised, efficient and planned in what I do, part of me can really react and over react emotionally to particular triggers. They’re all part of me and show up at different times, but they’re all me - not different identities and not alters, just different facets of my personality or different configurations of me.

I too have a part that completely shuts down in therapy sometimes, I have a part of me that wants my Ts attention and affection and part of me that feels very very young in therapy. And part of me that knows those other parts are all just expressing needs that are hard to verbalise. Some people truly do have different complete personalities within them, but it’s much rarer than we’d like to think.

I’m saying all of that because what you’re describing, the conflicting feelings, and different parts of your process sound very normal - as in people without PTSD would recognise much of what you describe in themselves.

 

[Rumors]

I’ve been seeing my therapist for four years this summer and that realisation really stresses me out...

I haven’t read through anyone else’s responses so perhaps this has already been said. You an I may be the same person in a therapy room. I do/did the same thing. I private pay for my therapy and am grateful that I am able to do so bc I don’t want insurance to know what is going on with me or dictate how I am treated. However, it has been a painfully slow process. I started in 2012 and just recently have come to a place where I am able to face it. I did have a therapist that took another job two years in so I started with another one and it took a while to figure her out and not think she was secretly going to “tell” on me. Ridiculous I know, but still where my head went.
I ended up having to do emdr to diffuse my anxiety over what happened. Honestly, it has been amazing the difference I feel in my shame and anxiety over my history. I felt the exact same way you did and would just kind of shut down and become unable to communicate. Much like you, I am a fairly decent communicator otherwise and capable of handling myself fairly well..unless it is about my childhood...then, I am a big, hot mess. It has always felt very out of control and unexplainable.
The only advice I can give you is to talk about this very thing with your therapist. I mean really hash it out exactly how you described it here. Then, I think you keep talking about it until you can come up with a plan that makes sense with the understanding that if that plan doesn’t work, you will move on to plan B, or C, or Z if that is what it takes. I tried to quit therapy a few times and each time my therapist would just say “nope..not gonna happen” and I can tell you today I am so grateful she didn’t let me quit. It hasn’t been easy...AT ALL. However, I can tell you that although I struggle still with facing the reality of what happened, I no longer have the anxiety and sheer terror and fear that was attached to it. It is livable and before it almost wasn’t.
I don’t know if anything I am saying helps, but know that you aren’t alone in wondering these things. My therapist has spent so much time and effort in to finding something that worked and wouldn’t give up on me. It made the difference for me in continuing the journey. It’s not easy, I still have a long way to go I am sure, but I will never be back in the place I was not so long ago. My lightbulb is on now... hang in there. Sending you lots of strength to find some answers.

 

[Freida]

Yep - I could have written this post too. I'm been at this for almost 4 years with my T and some days it feels like all I do is go backwards. And beat myself up for not being able to get over it faster. But then I remember that at one point, early on, T said that trauma therapy can take years because you can only deal with small chunks at a time. I hold on to that when I start fussing that I'm going no where.

r do you mean that, now I have recognised that these two aspects of me (the scared, frozen one and the gatekeeper) show up to get in the way in sessions, I can bring that up with my T?

yes! I was totally freaked out when my T started blathering on about the people in my head all having different roles. It took her a while to get me to understand that everyone has "parts" and that while they are more distinct in trauma therapy it is not the same thing as hallucinations or DID. Learning to accept and understand them was a huge step forward -- even though I still think a couple of them need to die. So letting her know you recognize them may be the jump start you are looking for

The thing I am currently really struggling to overcome is my tendency to either get triggered and feel afraid and go mute, or to get very defensive when we touch into something raw.

Uhmmm Yep. I think that's normal in trauma therapy. You are chipping away at an iceberg with a plastic spoon, so you only make itty bitty progress. But it is still progress. When I got stuck there I started EMDR with another T -- but I kept my first one because we had done so much work together that she can now help me make sense of what I learn in EMDR. Plus it took me years to trust her - I wasn't about to put myself in a position of training a new one!

These days, I stay present and keep my head in the room so I get to feel the fear, which has been quite a new - and unnerving - experience!

 

[barefoot]

I wonder if you saw all of the things you describe as being symptoms of the same thing it might help?

avoidance, dissociation, anxiety, “getting in the way of yourself”, emotional flooding, selective mutism are all part of the same continuum. You’ve moved past dissociation and are a bit stuck at the next station, but you’ve moved before and you will again.

Yes, that’s a good point and helpful for me to think of all of it on a continuum.

And you’re right...for ages, it was dissociation that was the huge sticking point and I couldn’t see how it was ever going to improve and I felt so frustrated and disappointed with myself about that...and my T just kept saying that we had to keep chipping away and it felt so hopeless at that point...and now it has improved, significantly. So, yeah, that means that the other things can improve too even though right now I feel stuck...

Do have a look at all of the resources in your toolkit

I definitely want to get back to doing some exercise and I think now is a good time to pick up my journaling again. I used to use it a lot to process between therapy sessions and would sometimes take some things from m journal into sessions. I think it would be useful for me to get back into the habit. Will think about other tools..existing ones and others that I could add.

I think the anxiety around talking about “parts” in the context of trauma is the seriously overused language of DID, to where if you mention part of you reacting in X way, or feeling Y people start thinking about multiple personalities or alters.

Yes, I think this is what it is.

My lightbulb is on now... hang in there. Sending you lots of strength to find some answers.

Sorry to hear that you have shared this struggle too @Rumors. I’m so glad that things shifted for you. Thanks for the support and encouragement :)

T said that trauma therapy can take years because you can only deal with small chunks at a time.

You are chipping away at an iceberg with a plastic spoon, so you only make itty bitty progress. But it is still progress.

Yes, this is a good reminder, thanks. Sometimes I get annoyed with myself that we’ve only spent a small amount of time in a session working on something deep and difficult. Then I realise that I probably couldn’t have managed any more and kept my head in the room. Softly softly catchy monkey...!

letting her know you recognize them may be the jump start you are looking for

Yeah... I think I’m concluding that maybe I do need to put some attention on these parts. I have never felt these two so clearly and distinctly as I have over the past few weeks. And if they are an in to some feelings...well...that’s terrifying but it does seem to represent a therapeutic opportunity?

 

[Mach123]

The 2nd part, yes I think you identified it, you explained it perfectly and the way you said it makes me think you are going to deal with it. Like things are getting ready to move. IDK I laughed in therapy today because she said "here it comes I think what do you think?" I said I hope so finally. I did feel different, IDK how exactly. It was different than it has been. I thought it was just that she was away but who knows?

 

[Freida]

that’s terrifying but it does seem to represent a therapeutic opportunity?

yep. It may not be a happy one - but very possible its a needed/moving forward one.

 

[hithere]

I have had these same issues. Using Internal Family Systems (with the counselor taking the active role of asking questions) My counselor got some training in it. It has probably been the most effective for me. At first it was uncomfortable, but it is helpful with this exact same issue. As long as the counselor understands what is going on and is willing to acknowledge these other parts as real and allow them to express themselves it's effective. (in my opinion)