frustratedfool
New Here
Hello all, thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm so glad to have found a forum to express myself and be understood.
I'll start by saying I'm a 24 year old white male who recently graduated with a Master's in Business Administration. I've had ups and downs in life like anyone and have battled hereditary depression and ADHD. Nothing big, at least not in today's world.
Four months ago I felt on top of the world. This May, it all changed. It started with a speeding ticket, except that I wasn't speeding. No biggie though, I paid it and that was that. My best friend was killed in a 2 vehicle accident on a lonely highway by an elderly person driving an SUV. While coping with my friend, I fought through attending class and writing my thesis for graduation. I put every ounce of my soul into grad school and was ecstatic to walk out with a 4.0 GPA. The job opportunities didn't come immediately after graduation and every day became a fight to see how many positions I could apply for. In the meantime, I was out of money and unemployed, and lost my house. The week I moved out (and in to my parent's basement like the stereotypical millennial failure) my grandmother died. It was so much to handle and too much to process.
Two days after her funeral, I was awoken to my father telling me there was a cop at my door. I looked out the window and saw half a dozen in my front yard. I threw on slippers and went outside. They immediately ambushed me and cuffed me on the ground, on the front lawn of the home I grew up in. They said they had an outstanding warrant for my arrest on a failure to appear charge. I was extremely confused and scared to death. I was put in the back of the patrol unit, taken downtown and booked, yet no one could tell me why. I've never felt more scared and helpless in my life. For all I knew I was being framed for something serious. Within a few hours I found out that the city clerk had never filed the paperwork stating I had paid for that speeding ticket, despite the fact she handed me a receipt and sent me confirmation in the mail. Nonetheless I was stuck in jail until I could post bail.
My short time in jail was terrifying. When combined with everything else I had been going through, my mind just began to shut down. I had no idea what I had done, but knew that things would never be okay. That somehow I had ruined my life and the lives of everyone I knew. If not for the support of my family and the literal shut down of my mind, I'm certain I would have tried to harm myself, something I've never seriously contemplated before.
I'm sorry if that sounds silly. I went days without sleeping and was awoken to vicious and disturbing nightmares when I could sleep. I walked around like a zombie, crying at random times while locking myself in my room. I couldn't go anywhere without having anxiety attacks and random flashbacks. I went to a therapist and have been working with her since this went down in early July. She's truly fantastic. This week she diagnosed me with PTSD and while it's nice to know there's a name for what I'm going through, I hardly feel worthy. I've been told that PTSD affects war veterans, rape victims and torture victims. I'm none of these, but it's pretty clearly what I have. That adds another level of shame and guilt to my fragile self-confidence. All I want is to man up and put this behind me.
The nightmares, flashbacks, seclusion and anxiety attacks are as bad as ever. I was put on Lorazepam this past Thursday and so far all it's done is make me sleep. I'm scared and frustrated with it all. I feel so stupid for having PTSD over this all in the first place. Most of you have likely been through much worse, so why did my brain have to fire the PTSD triggers? When will it heal? When will I not be terrified of every siren, loud noise, patrol car or person I see on the street? I'm writing this while shortly after taking my last Lorazepam for the night, so I hope it's legible. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
I'll start by saying I'm a 24 year old white male who recently graduated with a Master's in Business Administration. I've had ups and downs in life like anyone and have battled hereditary depression and ADHD. Nothing big, at least not in today's world.
Four months ago I felt on top of the world. This May, it all changed. It started with a speeding ticket, except that I wasn't speeding. No biggie though, I paid it and that was that. My best friend was killed in a 2 vehicle accident on a lonely highway by an elderly person driving an SUV. While coping with my friend, I fought through attending class and writing my thesis for graduation. I put every ounce of my soul into grad school and was ecstatic to walk out with a 4.0 GPA. The job opportunities didn't come immediately after graduation and every day became a fight to see how many positions I could apply for. In the meantime, I was out of money and unemployed, and lost my house. The week I moved out (and in to my parent's basement like the stereotypical millennial failure) my grandmother died. It was so much to handle and too much to process.
Two days after her funeral, I was awoken to my father telling me there was a cop at my door. I looked out the window and saw half a dozen in my front yard. I threw on slippers and went outside. They immediately ambushed me and cuffed me on the ground, on the front lawn of the home I grew up in. They said they had an outstanding warrant for my arrest on a failure to appear charge. I was extremely confused and scared to death. I was put in the back of the patrol unit, taken downtown and booked, yet no one could tell me why. I've never felt more scared and helpless in my life. For all I knew I was being framed for something serious. Within a few hours I found out that the city clerk had never filed the paperwork stating I had paid for that speeding ticket, despite the fact she handed me a receipt and sent me confirmation in the mail. Nonetheless I was stuck in jail until I could post bail.
My short time in jail was terrifying. When combined with everything else I had been going through, my mind just began to shut down. I had no idea what I had done, but knew that things would never be okay. That somehow I had ruined my life and the lives of everyone I knew. If not for the support of my family and the literal shut down of my mind, I'm certain I would have tried to harm myself, something I've never seriously contemplated before.
I'm sorry if that sounds silly. I went days without sleeping and was awoken to vicious and disturbing nightmares when I could sleep. I walked around like a zombie, crying at random times while locking myself in my room. I couldn't go anywhere without having anxiety attacks and random flashbacks. I went to a therapist and have been working with her since this went down in early July. She's truly fantastic. This week she diagnosed me with PTSD and while it's nice to know there's a name for what I'm going through, I hardly feel worthy. I've been told that PTSD affects war veterans, rape victims and torture victims. I'm none of these, but it's pretty clearly what I have. That adds another level of shame and guilt to my fragile self-confidence. All I want is to man up and put this behind me.
The nightmares, flashbacks, seclusion and anxiety attacks are as bad as ever. I was put on Lorazepam this past Thursday and so far all it's done is make me sleep. I'm scared and frustrated with it all. I feel so stupid for having PTSD over this all in the first place. Most of you have likely been through much worse, so why did my brain have to fire the PTSD triggers? When will it heal? When will I not be terrified of every siren, loud noise, patrol car or person I see on the street? I'm writing this while shortly after taking my last Lorazepam for the night, so I hope it's legible. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
