DID Amnesia for having DID

[RainbowSearchParty]

I know I have DID; I've been diagnosed for almost a decade now. But I just can't seem to square that knowledge with my own experience right now.

I don't have access to my parts anymore, even though I know they are there. Just occasionally there will be a flash of something. At one point I know I knew my parts and were aware of them ... but right now, I feel like this knowledge is just intellectual knowledge. More of the past is missing in this way. Like .... there is just nothing there. My childhood has always been gone, but my twenties are now, too, and mostly my thirties are gone, and .... how can I just keep going when I don't have a history?

I don't know if my parts are just no longer around, or if I'm just more dissociated from them than before. How can I know? How do you know that something is missing if you don't know it in the first place? And this means one of two things, both of which are terrifying: either the DID is worse than before, or it has disappeared entirely.

What do you do when you have amnesia for amnesia? When the DID is so strong that you can't even imagine there is anyone else there at all? How do you know if you even have DID when you don't remember anything that might suggest it? (Or is that not remembering the sign in an of itself?).

 

[parrotthepolly]

DID does not just go away on it's own. When integration happens all the memories and emotions associated with those parts will come back and it'll be very obvious, doesn't happen at once either. Sometimes parts can integrate but not the entire system.

The personalities split since the brain is still trying to survive the trauma (well memories/emotions) and even after it's over and the trauma holders don't heal, is aware things are different but their roles are still to act like one person to basically live and fit in so it's completely normal for an ANP to feel like they're faking it.
That's why some people don't get diagnosed until they're in there 40s even though they split in childhood.

Could also be you're avoiding everything and other parts don't need to come out.

 

[Sideways]

When the DID is so strong that you can't even imagine there is anyone else there at all?

I lose contact with some or all of my parts from time to time. There’s usually 2 culprits: either I’m struggling a lot in life and need to get that back under control, or I’ve not been spending enough time on internal communication and looking after my parts and their needs.

In both cases, internal communication has come back with patience and persistence (with both my parts and myself!)

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

DID doesn’t just go away. The loss of memory of your life is a big indicator it’s still around, too. For me, most (if not all) activity from other parts stopped when I inadvertently entered my role as the “host”. It’s only about 5 months later that definitive activity has happened again, and even then it isn’t from who I’d expect, and the one(s) I worry most about are very, very elusive. It’s temporary, but it is frightening, and very disorienting.

I’m sorry you have so much missing at the moment, though, I know how much having personal history informs yourself, decisions, and identity. Are there any goals you can have that are based ahead of you, in the future? Something to cement a thing to get to, in something you like?
I started with a blank slate in my sense of personal history, had to find something I was interested in and cling to that.
Has anything very stressful been happening? Or big change in general?

 

[PamelaS]

I know I have DID; I've been diagnosed for almost a decade now. But I just can't seem to square that knowledge with my own experience right now.

I don't have access to my parts anymore, even though I know they are there. Just occasionally there will be a flash of something. At one point I know I knew my parts and were aware of them ... but right now, I feel like this knowledge is just intellectual knowledge. More of the past is missing in this way. Like .... there is just nothing there. My childhood has always been gone, but my twenties are now, too, and mostly my thirties are gone, and .... how can I just keep going when I don't have a history?

I don't know if my parts are just no longer around, or if I'm just more dissociated from them than before. How can I know? How do you know that something is missing if you don't know it in the first place? And this means one of two things, both of which are terrifying: either the DID is worse than before, or it has disappeared entirely.

What do you do when you have amnesia for amnesia? When the DID is so strong that you can't even imagine there is anyone else there at all? How do you know if you even have DID when you don't remember anything that might suggest it? (Or is that not remembering the sign in an of itself?).

Dear RainbowSearchParty,
I am so sorry for your struggles. I can relate to some of it. I have not been diagnosed with DID, but there are great portions of my life that no longer exist. I am just learning about DID and my trauma informed therapist told me that we all have some dissociation because everyone has been through trauma of some degree or another. But those who have been through severe trauma seem to struggle with it more than others.
So what do I do with the pieces of my life that no longer exist? I focus on today. I focus on the hope of a better future. I focus on moving forward from where I am right now. I’m thankful that I can’t remember some of it. But along with that, I can’t remember good things either. Every now and then a happy memory will pop through. So I don’t believe that they are completely gone. I believe that they are hidden beneath the trauma. I believe that it is possible for us to access them as we heal. I may be wrong, but I would rather believe that than any other option. I would rather believe that I will be able to someday access the good things that have happened in my life to define me. I would be happy to never remember the rest.
So, I wish you well as you move forward from where you are today with what you have right in front of you. I wish you well and accepting the fact that you have lost parts of the memory of your life, even though I believe they’re still there and will be accessed someday. If it doesn’t offend you, I would like to pray for you. I don’t know where I would even be or if I would even exist if I didn’t have God and prayer. But at the same time I never ever ever want to harm another person again. So please let me know whether you would like me to do that or not, and I will respect your wishes. For now, I am hoping that you will come to peace with where you are and let go of what you cannot control. I am hoping that you will focus your attention on moving forward from where you are right now and let go of the past. Some of it is better left in the past. I’m hoping that the DID will some day be integrated. I have no idea if this is possible, but I hope it is for all of us. I am just starting in my healing journey and I have a lot to learn. Thank you for sharing your heart and your struggles. Take good care of yourself.

 

[arfie]

i can't speak for the DID angle, but my very first psych dx in 1974 --after the suicidal ideation-- was, "trauma induced amnesia." i couldn't understand why they kept saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. it was mid to late 80's before i started to understand.

but right now, I feel like this knowledge is just intellectual knowledge. More of the past is missing in this way. Like .... there is just nothing there. My childhood has always been gone, but my twenties are now, too, and mostly my thirties are gone,

these very words could describe part of the realization that i needed to take amnesia therapy seriously. the means by which i was repressing those childhood memories kept escalating. my short-term memory was progressively flakey, as a bonus.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

There’s usually 2 culprits: either I’m struggling a lot in life and need to get that back under control, or I’ve not been spending enough time on internal communication and looking after my parts and their needs.

I think it's both these things. I've been working on getting the struggle to be less of a struggle but .... I'm struggling to do so. And I was never very good at internal communication; it's getting worse and worse without having access to therapist support, too.

Are there any goals you can have that are based ahead of you, in the future? Something to cement a thing to get to, in something you like?

I think this is what feels hard. Yes, I am super goal-oriented and very career driven. But I'm so afraid that this is actually a problem where some parts are making decisions that are impacting us all.

Has anything very stressful been happening? Or big change in general?

Yes and yes. Both. Plus so many systemic barriers I can't seem to get around to accessing medical and mental health care, and just community support in general.

I know that this is just stress. But I don't know how to handle it, and especially how to handle a problem that seemingly disappeared entirely?

 

[Sideways]

this is just stress.

If only stress could be ‘just stress’ with ptsd!!

Maybe review the things that you include in your day and your week to take care of you. How much time does that get? What activities are you doing in that time, and are those activities likely to be engaging or supportive for the parts that struggle the most?

 

[beaneeboo]

I could have written your post word for word! I have vOSDD with amnesia. I've struggled with denial of my diagnosis and alot of dissociative symptoms. And much to my therapist's dismay (most likely!) I can wake up on a day, despite 2 x weekly therapy for over a year, and just fell/ think that I absolutely do not have any form of dissociative disorder and I won't remember alot of the work we've done. But the one thing which helps is witnessing this process happen again and again and again... That's how the therapy helps - by me building the ability to be a witness to these processes and gain a 3rd person's pov.

Not having access to parts is very hard to work with. When I started out with the communication I just had to say to myself how strange it was going to feel, but that that was alright, just to go with it. I have always found sitting in front of a mirror to talk to myself very helpful. Even if I don't get direct communication back I always feel a sense that on some level, it's been heard/acknowledged. I've also worked hard on trying to keep track of my thoughts, bodily sypmtoms, emotions and behaviour during the week.

This helps on a few different levels. First, it creatas a more linear picture in my mind about my experience because of the amnesia (easier to discuss how the week is going with that record). It also helps me to tune into very subtle things going on in my body which i would ordinarily miss and not put down to parts. (A parts communication can be emotions, thoughts/ feelings, behaviour but can be quite subtle) Because of doing this, some parts feel heard I think, because ordinarily their voice gets lost due to the amnesia. Getting into the habit of sitting in front of a mirror and talking to my parts about what's coming up for the day, trying to time into what they feel about that and then letting them know about why I have to do certain things, asking how they feel about it, I think can sometimes help. But I don't always get any indication they are listening. But at least I know I've tried and on some level I feel that must be appreciated.