An Appology To Anyone That Will Receive It...

[shimmerz]

No apologies necessary. I struggled with the same types of things myself along the way. It took me a bit of time to realize that I was 'not my story'. I hope that you can feel free enough to post here without having to 'qualify' yourself by referring to your past.

I didn't write a diary for a long time. I am finding it helpful now, but many people never do. Whatever makes you happy. This is about your healing.

 

[Ronin]

Can you give an example of an a different word or words? I see him every Thursday, maybe i can mention it to him.

My point was more along the lines I'd maybe leave out the labeling for a while, you can always come back to it when your sense of self is less affected by what happened, focus on rebuilding yourself & growing anew, first, instead of stigmatizing labels that put emphasis on powerlessness.

I dont like sleep, scary things happen...

In some sleep, maybe not in all sleep though. In every case, hoping some naps bring relief.

Is it ok if i follow you so that i could maybe measage you in times im feeling like im tailspinning

Definitely OK to follow & message alike. Thank you for the expressed trust, as well.

But if its the same god that told them to do the things then he alreardy hates me....

Three points:
If the god told them, they were foolish to listen.

If he hates you, he's wrong, and a douchebag at it.

A lot of if's; if there's hate, then it's still wrong, and you don't deserve to be punished by anyone's hand. &

If one god is hateful, or serving him people are? Find those that aren't, if you've got energy for that search. Because you deserve better.

 

[Rumors]

@lostforgottensoul
There is a link on a thread here somewhere about negative cognitions that I think might help you. I bet if you read them you will identify with many things that are written there. I certainly do!!! You do realize that it is the disease (ptsd) that is driving your feelings, right? That is why we are all here and none of us are immune from fighting back feelings of unworthiness and shame. The goal is to utilize this site to bring more transparency and normalcy into your life. That is what it does for me.
Personally, I am not sure the people you want to apologize to really need that, but more so I think the true desire would be to look at those conversations and triggers and learn from them. I have to ask myself, how would I handle that differently? In my personal opinion, I think the rub has less to do with turning a thread into "you" versus not hearing and acknowledging what the other posters are saying. Of course that is the disease... WE ALL DO THAT! You are not more ef'd up than anyone else, you haven't done anything wrong, you are worthy of respect and peace, you deserve to be here, and you are loved. I encourage you when reading things that you feel like are critical, to either skip over them and come back and read them when less triggered, or don't read them at all if you feel like it won't help. As long as you see a differing opinion as critical, then it won't help. When you can open your heart to see the good, bad, and ugly as a step in healing you will see those "critical" words only as what they are intended to be and that is merely suggestions on your journey.
You seem like an awesome person that is really in pain! I have been there too and will likely be back there. However, always remember that you are worthy of finding some peace. You deserve that. Dig in, do the work and let the chips fall where they may. This is a do it or die kind of thing. Lay it all out, leave nothing unsaid, and work your ass off. It pays off but it is the most scary, vulnerable place you will ever be in next to what caused the trauma. Remember, you survived the hardest part, the trauma itself. It only gets better from here. I also like to tell myself that as it stands I have a 100% success rate of getting through the hard times . I am still standing and I refuse to let this take me out. F*ck that... I gotta lot of living to do! And so do you! Let's do this, ok? Open your heart...its vulnerable I know, but it is so worth it....

 

[Ed Norton]

I've said worse, can't honestly say that I didn't mean it. Perhaps I could have been a little less cold in the delivery. I don't think you said anything wrong.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But feeling inferior, having been treated that way by people who hurt you? Still does not make it true.

It was pounded into me; "god told me to, said, told us because....you were bad, to love you" etc. I was punished for being born and the child my mom lost at 2 hrs old 2 yrs before i was born was planned ans wanted, i wasnt. Even as young as i can remember my dad hated me (though had changed by the time i fot back in contact with him at 19) he was physically, emotionally, & physically abusive from the youngest age i can remember (age 6 or 7) and im sure before. I was always hated at school, from the youngest age i can remember through to high school where kids would bully me to the point of throwing rocks at my head. As an adult, im usually hated at jobs ive had. I dont go out looking for friends, the ones ive had in the past were co-workers (probably feeling bad fir me or something) and then from 12 to 18 and reallt until i cut contact at 19, i was raised in a satantic like cult; the lubishments involving cutting inside of me and then tied to a bed and man after man have very rough sex with me; boiling hot water or bleach or other chemical being out in me from a turkey baster by my mom, urinated on, holding my head down in a tub filled with water until i almost or do pass out....and then some; but they did fhis saying over and over "god tokd me to because..." and every day i was reminded that the other baby boy should be alive and i shouldnt be here and then even when my mom handed me the gun, i wasnt supposed to be alive, she should of aborted me but my dad wouldnt let her (wish she would have) and i should be an abortion and then shown pictures of what comes out when an abortion is done "this should be you".

I probably heard it 20 times a day or more for the 6 yrs from 12 to 18 in with "all you're good for is sex, thats the only good part about you (genitils)" Forced prosituting at age 12 to 18, if say with that and the cult likely over a thousand men that ive had aex with.

I wasnt allowed to brush my teeth b/c animals dont brush their teeth. Today at age 34, though i usually remember to brush, they are all rotting out of my head (i hate that and most dentists shake their head like i am some nasty person).

Starting at age 12 i had to pay my mom and step dad rent, and a 3rd of all the bills and buy my own food, but before i was allowed fo buy my own food i was forced fo eat out of the garbage, sonetimes they'd make the worst tasting mixture of food and mush it like baby food and put it in a dog bowl and make me eat it on my hands and feet.

I didnt mean to go all into my past but wanted to use examples of why i would conclude i was born bad. It was, along with "god told me to", "god hates you", "demon child", "you're nothing but an animal", they'd usually call me "creature" instead of my name, "god could never love a creature like you", etc pounded into me a bazillon times a day, hated at school, no one today like me including a family of well over 100 people (my dad's side), it is the only logical conclusion. My theeapist says that i dont know how to make friends because i was never taught how and likely dont know how to react around people that would cause friendship and people terrify me, going to walmart feels like im going to a haunted house. I self isolate and he's tried to get me to be less isolated, he doesnt like me isolated and so thought of me and my dad going out together; just the 2 of us, as if i have someobe there that i know wont physically hurt me its a lot easier and we did once. Its supposed to also be sorta daughter and daddy bonding time as ive never had my daddy, and the one time we went to the VFW (veterns of forgien war; he's retired airfirce and went to Vetinam) but most times my physical pain keeps me from going but he's 74, simple minded as he watches Fox News all day and even when i was to go he doesnt or i feel bad asking...and since i found out he really doesnt believe me, i dont seem to want to go out again. But that one time at the VFW, i had fun, played pool, sang karokee for the first time (which is huge as being up on a stage in front of people; im just livky there werent many people there).

I dont ha e time to multiquote this so i'll just reply to it; when it comes to god stuff, it more mixed up than a blender mixes foood. At a young age and going to a funimental (my theeapist says its funimental. Nazereene) christian church, a pastor had sex with me, was 7 or maybe younger. Then the other stuff above, during the cult stuff the only "safe" place was a christian youth center. Ive tried for yrs to figure it out but churches terrify me, my brain says im supposed fo come on to pastors though i dont want to but even if i dont, most dont understand why i dont accept what they aee saying and argue with them si most just get frustrated and leave, even the pastoral counselors ive talked to. Luckly, by accident, my current therapist has 8 degrees, 2 are in theology and he's labeled in his LMHC credials is also listed as a pastoral counselor and has been a fherapiat in a rehab and has also done work with cult survivors in the past (i didnt look for him so this was all by accident). We dont often talk god stuff because i usually disassociate, its not a safe thing to talk about and its a secular psychriatic office but he knows thats an issue that which ever way i go in my beliefs, he just wants me to be unmixed up about it all but tread lighrly when it gets to the god stuff. He makes sure im on talking about it before we do and we dont stay on the topic long. He throws in here and there comments though about god or stuff related, i know he does it in purpose.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My point was more along the lines I'd maybe leave out the labeling for a while

Oh i see, he doesnt do it a lot...i think to just explain to me why i hold on to what i believe so tightly. I'll keep it in mind.

I'll reply more in a bit, i have 15 muns to take my dog out, feed him and het in the shower for work. I didnt mean to make my other reply so long.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@bluebird, im sorry if my reply was too long or i talked to much about the past. Was just examples of why i say i was born bad. I dont see their acts and what they say as wrong or "horrible" due that it was done to me, if it were anyone else i would see it like everyone else sees it. I dont see me as "like everyone else" and its that that me and my therapist are currenly working on. Ita just so hard to, for lack of any better word, "unbrainwash myself" when what i was told and taught from their "bible", by myself...they are now what my therapist says are my core beliefs and though, due to him, i was taught that good was bad and bad was good and it just seems impossible to change. Im trying really, REALLY hard though.

Anyway, just came on here to say i didnt mean to talk too much; guess i got lost in trying to explain.

One thought i had in the shower, i have no idea how to correctly be around people, whether in real life or in the virtual world.

I'll reply more, and to the rest, at work.

 

[Rumors]

@lostforgottensoul

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@lostforgottensoul

:)

 

[scout86]

I had no idea at all that I was making it seem to other people that my "trauma" is worse than anyone else's,

You are responsible for what you say. We each are responsible for how we hear it. You can't MAKE me feel, think, or believe anything. I CHOOSE to (or not to). But, feeling like we don't deserve stuff, or are in some way, unworthy comes with this particular territory pretty often. You most definitely aren't the only one who's inclined to feel those things. I wouldn't suggest that you watch what you say as much as I'd suggest you watch how people react to it. If it seems like people are ganging up on you, around here, chances are really good the "problem" is coming from your end and, if you can try to sort through things and figure out where people are coming from, you might learn some useful stuff.

I thought (at the time) that was just having a conversation.

A conversation includes at least 2 people. It's not someone talking at an audience, it's back and forth. It's easy to get so wrapped up in what you're going to say next that you forget to listen. Especially in person. If you take the time to really understand what the other party is saying, you can learn a lot of good stuff.

please just let me know that im doing it again; even saying "you're doing that thing again", i'll know what you mean.

You were kind of doing it again. :) Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it.

Here's a thought for you (at the risk of being misunderstood and sounding horrible) I really don't CARE that you grew up in a Satanic cult. I don't. That's the past. It's not who you are it's just part of your journey. Possibly interesting and I'm definitely willing to listen to the story but, I'm WAY more interested in who you are now and how you look at things now and what you bring with you to the forum. Because everyone brings SOMETHING.

The drama & all that? Part of life. Another opportunity to learn. Even if it's just an opportunity to exercise the "I don't think I need to be reading this today" muscle. It happens around here now and then. People who aren't able to get a grip do get banned now and then. But the members USUALLY try to give people a chance to get on board. There are a few people here who've been around long enough that they very much have their own act together. Usually. (And I'm NOT one of them. LOL) But anyone who's a member has the potential to run off the rails now and then. So we'd BETTER be willing to forgive, if we'd like to be forgiven ourselves. :)

Now as far as the diary goes, you actually COULD be having this very conversation in a diary. I don't have a diary. I'm not big on the whole "talking about stuff" thing. But there ARE a few diaries I follow. And those all seem to have fairly lively conversations. (And when people don't post for awhile I always wonder how they're doing.) I'm not sure which diaries you read, but some of them have over a thousand comments. That's not ALL people talking to themselves. The thing about a diary is, you can write about what ever you want to. You don't have to include your life's story, but you can if you want. You can talk about this very stuff. If you want to, there's nothing to stop you from INVITING people to participate. And, if you try it and it doesn't work for you, you just quit doing it. No harm, no foul. Now, remember back a ways, when I suggested that if a lot of people are telling you the same thing you might want to listen? This is one of those times. You don't HAVE to listen, but you might want to at least examine your reasons for not giving it a try. Not the reasons you've given us. The other reasons. (Cause I'll bet there are some.)

The thread that was mentioned was about Cognitive Distortions. There are several really good ones. Ms Spock started the one I'm most familiar with.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You are responsible for what you say. We each are responsible for how we hear it. You can't MAKE me feel, think, or believe anything. I CHOOSE to (or not to).

Another thing my therapist and i are working on, not allowing people to dictate how i feel about myself. Its pretty rough to navigate through most of what we are working on but i think ive gotta fix some other "foundational" stuff first before i can figure out how to change that. That and because i have NO IDEA how to behave in a group of people, real life or virtual, is likely the reason this all went the way it did. My issue and i own that, just trying to explain.

You were kind of doing it again. :) Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it.

I know, thats why i had posted the reply to bluebird after i got out of the shower. Luckily ive got start work at 15 mins after and gotta stop allowing myself to post on the site instead of fixing people's internet and PC (i work in a call center tech support for an internet company). I usually dont catch it, if at all, until after i do it and had no clue i was doing it here until you pointed it out and since i was already aware i do it in real life conversations, it clicked that thats what i was doing...so im trying to be more aware. At least i caught it after...not during but at least i did catch it.

I really don't CARE that you grew up in a Satanic cult. I don't. That's the past. It's not who you are it's just part of your journey. Possibly interesting and I'm definitely willing to listen to the story but,

I'm WAY more interested in who you are now and how you look at things now and what you bring with you to the forum.

This is part of the problem, it defines me, to me anyway. My therapist once ask if he took away (and named a bunch of stuff from the past) and took away hurt, guilt, shame, anger (and named more feelings) what's life. I thoughr for a while and looked at him, which usually i never look at him, and said "nothing". Another thing we are working on. These things we are working on are sorta grouped together. I think this may be the last thing im gonna be able to do is to not allow it to define me. Like if you say "name 5 things good about you" if i could even name 5 things, they would be things i call "good" from the past, which my therapist says that in my mind whats really bad is good and whats really good is bad. So i guess what im saying is to tell you that i can understand how you feel about something and to show you true empathy (putting myself in your shoes) i have to back it up with a bunch of junk from the past, which to me wasnt even "bad" or 'horrible", it was justified. But what im trying to say is i have to sorta "prove" to you that i really can underatand how you feel about something (after you've told me how you feel because o dont assume to know, or at least i dont think i do).

Because everyone brings SOMETHING

This i 100% agree with but eould take myself out of it, cause i dont feel like i bring anything good anyway...

You can talk about this very stuff. If you want to, there's nothing to stop you from INVITING people to participate.

But how do you invite or ask for people to participate?

You don't HAVE to listen, but you might want to at least examine your reasons for not giving it a try. Not the reasons you've given us. The other reasons. (Cause I'll bet there are some.)

They scare me...

I got a min left so im just end this with, im ttying and will try to be more aware of what im typing and try not to include much if any from my past.

Thank you for your replies, they've been so helpful!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have seen the last few days as a cry for help, but at the same time, you don't know how to accept help. You are playing by a brand new set of rules. It takes time to learn healthy behaviors and coping skills.

You have mentioned quite a few healthy behaviors that you don't know how to do yet. It is ok if you don't know how yet a long as you are willing to make an effort to learn.

More than willing to learn and i get quite frustrated with myself because 7 yrs in therapy and he havent gotten into the recovery and learnimg new skills yet...i feel i should be way further along with this. Bur then again, PTSD is just one of many diagnosed disorders and still a few possible. Dr Phil calls that comorbility. Whatever its called, its hard!

I hope you find that people here are generally pretty understanding.

Absolutly most are, especially the staff! I would of blocked me by now for causing trouble...