An Appology To Anyone That Will Receive It...

[ladee]

@lostforgottensoul, I am wanting to ask you a question, and hope it doesn't upset you or you take it as criticism...but from everything I have read about how you are so entrenched in your 'core' belief, are you afraid of who you are with out that belief? I hope I am making sense, in other words.. who are you if not that horribly abused child.. and believe it or nor, I do understand when you say this is normal to you, but would find it horrifying if it was someone else....that does make sense to me.
It is so hard for us to fully embrace that these things 'happened TO us', but it is not who we ARE... yes it made us grow up with a belief about our selves.... But under the core 'beliefs' there is a person who wants to come out and see the beauty and love in this world.. sure that is scary as hell, but millions of other people do it everyday....
Like I said, my intention is not to upset you in any way, just something for you to think about... you don't even have to reply. Just wanted to share what I have been thinking. am sending gentle cyber :hug:'s if you accept them.

I just reread some of your posts, and saw that your T asked you the same thing in a different way, and your response was 'nothing'..... could you start to create the person you want to be from 'nothing'. I feel for me, that is when I started to heal. Really started to see beyond what had been done TO me.... and on some tiny level, realized I could be who I wanted to be... and come to find out... there was some really great parts of me that had been 'saved' and I started to rebuild on that. We all just want you to know you are being HEARD....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Your mom/stepdad were actively thinking about how to Program you.

Yes they did and per my therapist they did a very "good" job at it.

but from everything I have read about how you are so entrenched in your 'core' belief, are you afraid of who you are with out that belief?

YES! Very much so! And it very much frustrates me that i hold on to it so tightly, and i dont want to but do anyway. This term 'core' belief didnt even enter my vobaulary until my therapist used it and also stated i have Stockholm syndrome, even though I wasnt technically kidnapped. I "stick up" for my mom and step dad and defend what they did, no matter how "horrible" other people say it is, i fail to see it that way.

Im gonna paste this out of the spoiler code because though i figured out how to create a spolier button through the code, i havent figured out how to get out of it & dont want the remainder of the post put in there so fogive me for a long post. "Stockholm syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes "strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other."[4] One commonly used hypothesis to explain the effect of Stockholm syndrome is based on Freudian theory. It suggests that the bonding is the individual's response to trauma in becoming a victim. Identifying with the aggressor is one way that the ego defends itself. When a victim believes the same values as the aggressor, they cease to be perceived as a threat.[5]" found on wikipedia.

I used the the dog toy anolgy, using a child anology. If a child is playing with something that you dont want them to. If you just take if away, they scream and cry and have a fit wanting it back BUT, if you take it away and give them something else to play with then you can redirct their attention on that and they are happy.

You cant take away completely what someone fully believes, who they believe they are, their full identity ( to them), the human brain cant just be erased or wipped out. It may feel like it has been but its not possible BUT you can replace it, aka in my case 'deprogram' and given new 'core' beliefs. Its HARD but its possible, per my therapist anyway.

Dr Phil uses this with addicts "If I just take this away without giving you somerhing else, other and better coping skills, you will just go right back to it"

"Deprogrammers generally operate on the assumption that the people they are paid to extract from religious organizations are victims of forms of indoctrination characterized as mind control (or brainwashing). Books written by deprogrammers and exit counselors say that the most essential part of freeing the mind of a person is to convince them that they had been under control."
"Sylvia Buford, an associate of Ted Patrick who has assisted him on many deprogrammings, described five stages of deprogramming:[21]

1. Discredit the figure of authority: the cult leader
2. Present contradictions (ideology versus reality): "How can he preach love when he exploits people?" is an example.
3. The breaking point: When a subject begins to listen to the deprogrammer; when reality begins to take precedence over ideology.
4. Self-expression: When the subject begins to open up and voice gripes against the cult.
5. Identification and transference: when the subject begins to identify with the deprogrammers, starts to think of him- or herself as an opponent of the cult rather than a member of it." Wikipedia

(Step one is done, i cut contact at age 19; remaning under their control even after moving out from 18 to 19; im still on step 2; thus why I need replies and posts to be able to re-read over and over and over on here that counter what i was programed to believe)

You didnt make me upset as most havent been survivors of a cult and its hard to understand, even for me. Sorry for the long post but its the only way for me to explain it and i cant post links for whatever reason. I also figured out the spoiler code (only for paid members) but i havent figured out how to post outside of the code afterwards yet so forgive me for the long post. I dont have time to re-read for typos so forgive md for those too. Google and read about cults, deprograming, Stockholm syndrome, etc as i had to google and read a lot to get it. I cant find all the sites my therapist sent me too but i usually have "homework" to do for a week between sessions. It might help.

We all just want you to know you are being HEARD....

Thank you and that helps, A LOT!

Lost, those are really nice, you've got talent. Like the horse especially. You're good at composition.

Thank you! I dont much like the pencil ones and its not all of them, just the ones i had one my phone.

I may got grab/take picture of some others if people want to see them. Ive been asked several times to post them.

Sorry i cant talk more, have my pain Dr, my therapist, and walmart to go to today so i gotta get in the shower. Again sorry for the long post, it was the only way i could explain it.

 

[scout86]

Again sorry for the long post, it was the only way i could explain it.

You can quit apologizing now. Really! :) Sometimes it takes a long post to explain stuff. LOTS of people do that. When you break it up into paragraphs like you've been doing, it makes it easier to read. (I find that I break things up into way more paragraphs here than I do other places because I got "yelled at" for not using them when I first posted here. LOL And I'm finding that affects how I write else where as well, now.)

I THINK, for a lot of people who's issues started in childhood, there is the experience of at least a mild form of Stockholm syndrome. Because, like someone who HAS been kidnapped, you're trying to do what ever you can to survive in a hostile situation. Sometimes that means reconstructing it in your brain so it seems to be something less "bad" than it actually is.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You can quit apologizing now. Really! :) Sometimes it takes a long post to explain stuff

LOL, sorry (I say sorry a lot too, in real life. I had many people me "stop saying sorry, you didnt do anything to be sorry for")

I just said that cuz though its only for paid members, i figured out how to do @FridayJones's spoiler code, i had figured out how to post outside of it, like it being midpost insread of end of post)

When you break it up into paragraphs like you've been doing, it makes it easier to read.

Yeah, a member asked me to in messages so ive been trying to more. When at work on a 15 min break im trying to smoke my vaporizer outside (not allowed inside) and yea even pee while posting lol; so i was just typing and not break it up. I hope its easier to read now! :)

Because, like someone who HAS been kidnapped, you're trying to do what ever you can to survive in a hostile situation. Sometimes that means reconstructing it in your brain so it seems to be something less "bad" than it actually is.

I didnt know that i identify with kidnap victims more than with sexual abuse victims until i watched to true story of Steven Stayner (R.I.P) in the movie "I Know My First Name Is Steven." He was kidnapped in Dec. '72 and escaped with 5 yr old Timmy White (R.I.P) in March i believe '80. He was 7 yrs old when kidnapped & 14 when he escaped and it made me so upset when I heard the words of his kidnapper Kenneth Parnell to convince him that his parents didnt want him and he was bad. Its EXACTLY what i was told " your dad knows and doesnt care", 'where you would go if taken away will be worse than here". :(

Anyway, my mom's personally changed; she's a follower...married my then 30 yr old father when she was 17 and then got sucked into my step dad's "bible" and beliefs which was then introduced to me with just them 2 and me when i was 9. And my dad left at 12 and i was isolated frim him and my entire family, she was in contempt of court and my dad didnt fight it, so it felt like i was kidnapped. It makes me mad at myself at how easy it was to get me to so fully believe his "bible".

Actually when i was in high school, i was seeking refuage in a christian youth center all through high school, and at age 13 i was "saved" at a Michael W Smith concert (have no clue why i was allowed to go) and the lady that "saved me" or whatever, handed me a christian bible and said "god will protect you" and i took that literal and "prayed" to this god to "protect" me and started reading this christian bible and "prayed"...even wrote christian bible scriptures with dry erase markers on the bathroom mirror; which i got punished REALLY BAD for. After a few months of "praying", reading, writing, punished...and the "abuse" got a lot worse, not better, my mentors in the youth center didnt get my hints and one of them even met my mom and step (whom has good "world" faces) and he said he likes them and then said i was a "constant complainer"...i got so angry....RAGEFUL...and took that christian bible and ripped it into millions of tiny pieces (thats a big book, takes a lot of rage to do that) and DOVE into the cult. More of the reason i blame myself.

But now its become "part of me", really engrained. Trying to sort it all out cuz the christian stuff is deep supressed in there and then as to whom i am without it, i have no clue. I feel another 'me" fighting to come out and this the fight within my head, the "angel and devil on my shoulder". The "devil" is winning but i hope that the "angel" is gaining some ground with the new steps i took recently.

Anyway, i'll stop rambling now...sorry...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I knew i my therapist and i were gonna talk about what happened here for the entire session and not do EMDR. I guess it didnt help he took me in at 2:10 and stopped at 2:56.

He says he thinks my tailspins here was sorta a good thing, though i still feel bad for causing trouble :sorry: but he says that im learning boundries and how to interact with people. Sounds like he's teaching a 3 yr old how to socalize, i feel so stupid that i dont know how to interact with people w/o always being defensive... ***sigh** but i guess we all have to start somewhere..... :cautious:

I told him i think it closed the big crack that i recently made (choclate coating) of self anger and self hatred covering my other emotions (which ended up being pain. I felt myself going back into myself but he said only time will tell. He thinks it may have shut some but not completely but he says that time will tell and he said that maybe i had a better lessen to learn and it shutting some or completely is my self protection, it was raw and i had to put a bandaid on it cuz i got scared, not feeling as safe as i was before but maybe over time i can get it to open up some as i start to feel more safe. ***sigh***

 

[Lionheart]

@lostforgottensoul Because of my PTSD and CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) reading long posts is very difficult for me, If you can put a space between every three or four sentences, then I am better able to read. Thank you!!

I agree that you are not the first to display PTSD symptoms here and there really is nothing to forgive, but I appreciate someone who can learn from their "mistakes" and make an honest apology. Mistakes are not wrong, they are human and while it seems that you didn't get off to a good start, I hope you will stay and become a contributing member here.

From what I was able to glean from your posts, you suffer and struggle with the same things as the rest of us here and I hope you find that we are an understanding and compassionate bunch of people. You have a place here if you want it and I am sorry that I never got around to welcoming you to the forum!!! So, welcome!!!

Wishing you peace, comfort and healing,
Lionheart777

 

[rightkindofme]

I am incredibly overwhelmed inside my brain so I'm just skimming this thread. I'm sorry for not having higher reading comprehension today.

All of the things you are apologizing for are things I've apologized for. I've been in therapy for 31 years and counting. I, too, was born inferior and I was only good for sex.

But that is less true with every passing year. I'm 34 too. But I got into therapy (court ordered) at 3. I'm still really broken.

I think it is ok to be how you are. We aren't actually inferior. The more I find out about other people the more I think they are just as crappy as me. We are all messed up in our own ways.

I suspect you blurt your trauma so much because you are looking for connection. I've done that most of my life. You are looking for people to normalize you. It's hard and sad but it isn't a wrong impulse. You want people to validate you, even if that validation is that you are a piece of crap. I don't think folks here are going to validate that you are piece of crap. Folks here will argue with you. Which will feel really uncomfortable sometimes.

Sometimes when folks argue with you it is because they perceive you as hurting yourself and they want you to stop. Even the negative self beliefs are self harm. They prevent you from being able to take care of yourself in the way you need to be taken care of.

I think that most people on this website are somewhere on the same-ish road. We are further and less far along the road. We have slightly different symptoms and very different experiences. But we mostly understand what it means to have big feelings and be complicated.

It's ok.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Because of my PTSD and CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) reading long posts is very difficult for me,

I think it is for most, the length im trying, i really am, to shorten them (stop rambling so much); and im trying to stay conscience of keeping threads on topic & not take them off topic.

Now that ive figured out that my browser was what was blocking the bar at the text box (still feel stupid over that one & just assuming) im gonna try to remember to use the spoiler too.

If you can put a space between every three or four sentences, then I am better able to read. Thank you!!

This was asked of me once (waa trying to hurry at work and had no spaces) but i will try to do it more. :)

I agree that you are not the first to display PTSD symptoms here and there really is nothing to forgive, but I appreciate someone who can learn from their "mistakes" and make an honest apology. Mistakes are not wrong, they are human and while it seems that you didn't get off to a good start, I hope you will stay and become a contributing member here.

I do try to appologize for what ive done or said wrong once i stop tailspinning and can think straight, whether in private or public; i did both here.

I think that since the site was working for me so well, i could talk through my tailspin on here and was wrong.

But it taught me a lot!

I love @FridayJones time out description! And i think it even makes more sense because when speaking to me, you are speaking to a 34 yr old adult AND a young child. My therapist pointed that out once.

I also have a few great people that have messaged me that really seems to understand some "special challenges" if you will due to my past. So it gives me the chance to talk things out in private; if im in need of that.

I think one more thing; and i promise i'll shut up; is my house is in one constsnt never ending state of termoil, stress, and fighting so that wasnt helping my mental state.

Until that can be resolved, and until i can master the imaginary no stress room that @shimmerz suggested, i need to retreat to my bedroom as i used to, to get away from it.

I didnt realize it was causing that much more internal termoil than i already have, then transfered here, without even knowing i was doing it.

Totally decided to stay! My therapist said there was more impostant things to learn; the first one that i didnt get a chance to learn, how to get along with people. So many lessons came out of this!

After all, my therapist sent me here for a reason! ;)

From what I was able to glean from your posts, you suffer and struggle with the same things as the rest of us here and I hope you find that we are an understanding and compassionate bunch of people. You have a place here if you want it and I am sorry that I never got around to welcoming you to the forum!!! So, welcome!!!

Yes i have learned that most here are a great group of people that are very understanding and accepting, including the staff!

To me, people are to be feared, so its a great lesson, if not the most important!

And thank you for the great welcoming! I joined maybe a month and a half ago but i feel its a new start! :)

P.S: if im not breaking my stuff up enough or still rambling too much, please let me know, I tend to, at times, slip back into old unconscience 'habits'. :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm still really broken.

Arent we all, but even the smallest step foward is a good one!

I've been in therapy, current one, for almost 7 yrs; he had no idea why i was really there every week for a year and i had been stuck for a bit over a year; so even mistakes are good lessons that can help move you foward.

I suspect you blurt your trauma so much because you are looking for connection.

Thats something i didnt think about and you're most likely correct. I think it was done unconsciencely (working on staying conscience of it) for a few reasons. But this makes sense to me, if my brain cant connect the usual way; it has to find a way.

Even the negative self beliefs are self harm. They prevent you from being able to take care of yourself in the way you need to be taken care of.

Hmmm, also never thought of that in that way before. That makes sense though.

But we mostly understand what it means to have big feelings and be complicated.

It's ok.

:) oh you mean im not the most complicated person on the planet? ;)

Thank you! You also gave me a lot of enlightening information about myself that I never realized before! Something i really love about this site.

To add, ive been thumbing through some of the self help articles here. They scare me but im trying to not run from fear.

And i will start a diary on here, just having trouble with the words to start it. But when i do, imput from others will be very helpful.

Thank you for all of your input! Very enlightening that i didnt even realize about myself! :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

Thank you for all of your input! Very enlightening that i didnt even realize about myself!

That's what we are all here for! We 'get' a bunch of things that others don't necessarily get.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That's what we are all here for! We 'get' a bunch of things that others don't necessarily get.

Yes! Thats why I love the back and forth conversation, it helps me to see things about myself i didnt before, think of things the way i hadnt before, understand some things i didnt before, and come to some great self awareness i didnt have before! :)

 

[void]

I hope this doesnt come across wrong and i know i dont deserve forgiveness and i didnt want to...

I accept and welcome you without any reservation.:)
I welcome any thoughts you wish to express.:)
@lostforgottensoul i hope you can feel comfortable here:)