Sufferer An Intro And Question About Possible Abuse

[Maxi]

Hello everyone!

This post will act as both an introduction and a question, as I'm not sure where I'm meant to post it.
I'm currently undergoing therapy for ptsd/ocd related to bully which has lead to avoidance of lots of things and has pretty much engulfed my life.

This weeks session with my therapist really really triggered me. We were working on inner child work and my hatred, disgust and anger towards my inner child and though at the time I was fine speaking about all of this since then I have been having flashback, feeling horrible and thinking horrible things. I'm just in a dizzy, hazy world where everything feels unbalanced all of a sudden and am finding it near impossible to ground myself. Now I haven't mentioned this to her as I'm not sure what relevance it may have to our work, but the reason I think that I feel this way is because I think that I may have been abused as a child. Because I'm not certain of this I don't want to bring it up with her as I feel it may muddy the therapy process a bit and take it off in a different direction, when really it may just be my mind fabricating. Please please please could you give me your opinion on whether the following things may be symptomatic of abuse and if not are they relevant to bring up in therapy...

***Trigger Warning***
*When I was a teenager (below the age of consent) on 2-3 occasions men would sit next to me on buses and stroke my legs and thighs under their coats. I didn't like it and was uncomfortable, but I didn't scream, or shout, or do anything to stop it. Does this class as sexual assault, or harassment?

*There is evidence from relatives hinting that as a baby I may have been french kissed on multiple occasions, made to give oral sex and digitally penetrated. As I was a baby, too young to comprehend any of this could this be having an effect on my behaviour today? Also, is this considered rape, or is it molestation?

*Between the ages of about 6-9years I used to have weird sexual dreams, masturbate on the chairs at school and do things to hurt myself down there. My hymen wasn't intact at age 13 when I started my period and I completely dissociate when engaged in foreplay and get very little pleasure from being touched there. When I touch myself it's usually through punishment and I have to do all sorts of horrible things to myself in my head and then I feel rubbish after I finish. I also find penetration incredibly painful as I just tense up.

*The most shocking thing which has happened recently and which makes me suspect abuse is that I was listening to a hypnosis CD in bed one night and it was talking about childhood and all of a sudden my body froze, I started feeling sensations down there, but I couldn't move I was so scared and I was shaking, like violently shaking like I've never done in my life before. I thought I was having a seizure, even though I have absolutely no history of seizures. Words can not do my terror and confusing justice. I just lay there sweating and shaking and didn't make a sound.

In short, therapy has opened up a Pandora's box of emotions (which I'd had tightly locked away) and feelings, thoughts and memories which I'm not to crazy about. Am I crazy to think that I could have been abused? Surely I'd remember if I was? Why when I'm finally in a happy place in my life, minus a few problems here and there has this massive thing come out of nowhere??? Should I ignore all of this? Is it relevant to therapy, or will it just take me down a long dirty road to somewhere I'm not sure I want to go?

Any guidance would be much appreciated.

Maxi

 

[Deleted member 28403]

A lot of information from you, well, can't answer all, and what I can may make you feel bad.

I won't talk about myself much on this post, but here is a bit of info, I barely remember anything that happened to me, in 5th grade a guy used to beat and me and stuff and broke a chair on my head once, I had no memory of that till it was triggered recently and till I read up some logs saying it happened. So yeah, if you don't remember it, it doesn't mean it didn't happen. I have a loss of about 95% of my life memory, like, I can't access it easily, and when I do, I wish I didn't.

The seizure thing you mentioned is similar to what happened to me a few times, when anxiety got to top points on charts. I didn't freeze completely, I could still scratch myself and induce myself pain. I cried in my bed for hours, and slept about an hour that night.

The thing you mentioned that happened to you in a bus is sexual assault, as sexual harassement doesn't include unwanted physical contact with sexual intention.

The thing you experienced as a baby is molestation, as rape by definition is unwanted sexual intercourse with a sexually MATURE person, which a baby isn't.

I advise to try to process it through theraphy, as keeping it in can make it only cook to worse.

 

[sun seeker]

Am I crazy to think that I could have been abused? Surely I'd remember if I was?

I'm sorry, but what you are sharing is abuse. You do remember it. It doesn't take any more than that to cause longterm problems. You may not fully remember what happened to you at a very early age, but you have relatives who told you what happened, and enough of your own memories to know about other parts of it. It is up to you whether you want to share it with your therapist now or not, but I strongly suggest that at some point you will need to work on these memories.

As to your question about whether you wouldn't remember if you were abused, not necessarily. According to some studies around half of people sexually abused in childhood forget some or all of it for a period of time. But as I said, you already do remember so it's kind of a moot point.

I really am sorry. Just realizing this is a vulnerable place to be. If you feel safe with your therapist, I think bringing it up would be a very good idea. It's not a journey you can take alone.

 

[presentjoy]

Not crazy, and I have had a lot of difficulty with this myself lately, a LOT is coming up and some of it in the realm of stuff not remembered or barely remembered, what's left are body memories, fragments, intuitions.

I made a pact with myself: it doesn't really matter how much I can verify these feelings, sensations, and instincts about what happened to me, what's important in my work with my therapist is that he is hearing what is coming up. He is not making attempts to verify either, because that's not the point.

We are working through profound levels of difficulty with trust, fragmentation as a result of abuse, emotional neglect, and the aftermath. What is happening now is what matters. Self-care is important throughout -- the therapist can hold the space, and I think would welcome sharing, although if you aren't yet feeling enough trust to share aspects of the trauma, perhaps just talking at first about what you are feeling in your body is a place to start?

 

[Kintsugi]

What you are describing is absolutely sexual harrassment, and it sounds like if your family has hinted that you were abused... well, I'm just not sure why that would be made-up?

I don't remember my primary trauma including vaginal penetration. My memories always stop short of a lot of the actual abuse, though, and my kinetic sense of self is basically absent from my memories. It's bizarre. But I decided a few years ago that I identify that abuse as rape. I have been raped vaginally, and for some reason I find the term "molestation" inadequate to describe my experience as a child. It's a personal rhetorical decision for me that serves me best.

I can tell you that I do not think ignoring these things is effective in the long run. I would at least bring all of this up with my T and explore it with the T's support and "supervision" if you will.

 

[intothelight]

Memory is tricky even under the best of circumstances. You should definitely bring these issues, fragments, feelings and behaviors up with your therapist so they can help you find resolution.

 

[Maxi]

@otakujome

Thank you for your response I really appreciate it. I too find it hard to remember lots of my childhood :( Do you think that the thing that may have happened to me as a baby could still be effecting me now, as I was too young to see anything wrong with it, it was just part of my experience? I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill.

@sun seeker

Thank you for responding :) Relatives have only hinted at it and they have spoken about it as if it is not a big deal. Surely if it was they would speak about it with a little more emotion, plus they have still maintained contact with the suspected abusers; I don't think they would have done so if it was a big deal. My memories are hazy and I'm not sure whether this is all my imagination. I had a pretty good imagination as a child. So confused.

@presentjoy

Thank you for sharing your experiences. How did you first start speaking about it with your therapist? How did you bring it up? I don't want to bring all of this up and mislead my therapist if it's not a big deal and I'm just making something out of things which may have just been innocent.

@Simply Simon

Thank you for responding. One of my parents has hinted at it, but not said explicitly and they speak about it with very little emotion as if it's not a big deal, so maybe it's not. Is there any way that the things I've described could be down to something else. I don't want to have been abused. I need to know that there's a possibility that this could all be something else. I wouldn't even know how to begin bringing this up with y T. I trust her, but I'm not certain of this and so I don't want to mislead her.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Maxi
How much you will work on it just depends on how much it bothers you, if it's not a experiejce that tortures you constantly, it might be good to try to forget it, though it's hard to forget some things once they are brought up again. Well, check other posts on this forum regarding that and think it through.

 

[sun seeker]

Relatives have only hinted at it

Are these relatives that you would be able to ask to tell you what happened more directly? I'm not sure why they would hint at something so extreme if it didn't happen, but I can see how you would want to be sure.

Relatives have only hinted at it and they have spoken about it as if it is not a big deal. Surely if it was they would speak about it with a little more emotion

I don't know your family so can't say whether they would have spoken about it with more emotion or not, but what I can say is in families where abuse occurs, it is extremely common for adults who knew what was happening and did nothing about it to look the other way, act like it was no big deal, continue to keep the abuser in their lives... because if they let themselves feel the full implications of their own silence at the time it happened, it would be, as you say, a Pandora's box opening that could unravel everything they have built their lives around. I'm not saying this is what is happening in your family; no one can say that without more information. I'm just saying that there is nothing you have said yet that would rule out that it happened, and I see lots of red flags, including the fact that you say you don't remember much of your childhood.

Here's a question for you: would you say your family is healthy in other ways? For instance, is there good communication, and are people generally respectful and affectionate, with clear boundaries? If a conflict comes up, how is it resolved? Abuse doesn't happen in isolation, an island in an otherwise healthy family system. If a child in a healthy family is abused, say by a distant relative or teacher, the parents will react and deal with it immediately and the chance of lasting damage will be much less. It's the secrecy, blame of the child, dissociation on the part of the parents, and so on that compounds the abuse itself, and these are much more likely to go on in a family system that doesn't have the emotional capacity to handle knowing their child was abused, even if the abuser wasn't a close family member.

As to whether it could have a negative effect on you when you were that young, well, put it this way. If you knew that abuse like you describe were happening to a baby or toddler you know, what would your reaction be? Would you shrug and assume it's no big deal, or would you move Heaven and Earth trying to save that innocent child?

A good basic book for people exploring the possibility of having been abused as children is The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. It has lots of information for people doubting their memories, among other things. If you have a choice, get a newer version, they have updated it several times.

I know I may be sounding like I'm trying to convince you it happened, and that isn't my intent. I am sharing information because it sounds like you are just starting to think about these things and since you have shared here, it is obviously concerning for you.

 

[Maxi]

@sun seeker

My family is relatively healthy in other ways, though we don't talk about feelings and things and growing up I was very quiet and in my own world so I don't think I would have told anyone if something had happened. I really regret going into therapy, I think it's just introduced things into my life that I'd rather not have known. Thank you for the book suggestion, I'll try and source it in the library :) Think I'd just going to tell my therapist about the way I'm feeling, rather than go into all of this, I have a feeling it is going to course more pain than I'm willing to endure.

Again, thank you a lot for the helpful and kind words, I really do appreciate them :) xx

 

[Maxi]

Sorry I just realised that I typed the top of that message into the quote box. Here it is:

Occasionally when we are talking about the past they will say things like 'so and so used to kiss you, they could have been putting their cocks in your mouth and all sorts of things whilst we weren't there'. And they'll say these things to me so causally as if it's nothing, as if they're not disgusted by it whatsoever. They say they used to walk in on these two men (family friends) who would be kissing me regularly saying I was so pretty and though apparently they got angry about this they still left me with these people. I can't imagine that my relatives would be complicit in allowing people to abuse me, doesn't make sense. Both men lived at our house until I was about 6 and they are both now alcoholics who regularly beat and cheat on their wives. One of them was so nice to me as a child and would always single me out to buy me things and I really liked him, even to this day he regularly reminds me of the things he's bought me, some of which I'd even forgotten.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

You can use edit in the menu-bar looking thing on bottom of posts, saves time.

I many times wish I had no memory at all, that I was happy, though not remembering anything of my past, but my parents mention stuff from time to time and it really hurts me often. I wish they wouldn't make me remeber random stuff, I wish they would stop hurting me.

For every single thing that isn't exactly as my mother wants, I'm called a failure. For everything going wrong, I'm blamed. I hate this life.