Analogy: Having C-ptsd & Trying To Socialize Feels Like...

[Venator]

Like an insecure dog trying to lay on the feet of its master for warmth.

I'm very good at socializing with people, finding common ground, bulding rapport

The issue is how attached I get to them and how quickly. It frightens people

 

[BloomInWinter]

I should mention that I do not have c-Ptsd, as that diagnosis doesn't exist. I so have lifelong PTSD with multiple trauma and maladaptive functioning behaviors.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I finally understand what made me isolate. Being around most people brings up some painful memories as they live their healthy lives.

I am learning how to accept that the most I can aim for is a calm, duel awareness. I can stay in conversations and be around people even as the memories and pain pass through my awareness. Pushing nothing away, clinging to nothing, I stay calm and in the present by just letting them float by like a stick on the water.

 

[Abstract]

It feels like I am a minefield and every tiny interaction potentially means someone or something will step on one of those mines. Since I am determined that there are no negative consequences for others I spend all my energy pre-empting and trying to control the explosions. Absorbing them. And trying to patch things up on the inside whilst on the outside attempting to look"normal".

 

[Spiderallis]

I'm heavy on avoidance of social settings, but the few places I go I've given a couple close friends a vague explanation of my condition. It's been quite a while since I've gone anywhere without my sweetie. He's not very social either, so it helps him too if we stick together. My 'normal' costume doesn't fit well and I get tired pretty quickly from wearing it, but sometimes I have to. I don't stick around long when I need the costume, just a brief visit to fulfill an obligation to be somewhere. then I come home and collapse, exhausted with a headache.

I think of it as being an alien too, I don't understand these customs I'm pretending to follow. It's what everyone else is doing, so it must what goes on here.

 

[Jacnic]

Yes, it is like being beamed to a completely different planet, that I just don't "get".

I attended a quiz night the other week, against my better judgement. And spent most of the night watching with total bemusement the interactions and loud behaviour of everyone else. I didn't understand why my colleagues carried on as they did. I am sure that I am labelled a party-pooper. I would have much preferred to spend the evening quietly at home!

 

[mamachick]

Contact with the world is still opening wounds. I guess I am not finished suffering. I hope to get to that point bloomin, when they are floating by like a stick on the water.....

I know that I create my own outcomes, I just dont understand how I do it. I am insightful, but apparantly not insightful enough. I have left my family pack little by little over the years. A couple months ago, my grown (42 yr old ) niece threatened me and tried to attack me. She is a drunk. No provocation what so ever. I am sure she is suffering. Has brought up a lot of family abuse. I see where it originates, and intellectually I get that everyone is not this way. Emotionally, I do not feel safe. I am teetering on agoraphobia.

Jacnic, I am a pooper with you. I am starting to wonder if I even like people in person. I like being alone, I like staying home, and I sure dont want to hang with partiers and loud obnoxious people. Even the chatter in public is getting on my nerves. When I go to work and have to talk with co workers, I think I have a mask, and a 10 minute limit.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I was telling someone just the other day that part of the reason I don't like to socialize much is because I don't have anything to talk about. Unless people want to hear about how my symptoms were that day. Or what my therapist said last time.

And people don't really want to sit at say a dinner party and discuss that. The only thing that's really on my mind is either what I've gone through and how it's affected me or what I'm doing to cope and heal now. Having depression doesn't help either. It pretty much kills my desire to interact with people.

 

[alitaram]

It is like you were in a bubble that popped and now you've turned into a big needle that is expected to talk to all these other unpopped bubbles.


Wow, this is the most comforting thing I've read in a long time. This is exactly how I feel in social situations, but I always was the only one I knew like that. It is so comforting to know I'm not the only one.

When I'm around people, I simply don't know what to say. I just escaped my abusive situation. My life is barely back on track. I used to be this social master, able to navigate social minefields so well that people always asked me, "HOW DO YOU DO IT?"

People also always come to me with their problems... constantly. All my friends - all they talk about is "so and so" doesn't like me. And I don't mind helping them, I am glad they find me a strong person to talk to, but the thing that goes on in the back of my mind is how I can't talk to them about the fact that my mom tried to kill me that night or that I feel like killing myself due to all this abuse and I'm hopeless. Nope, instead I smile and just try my best to put on an act.

However, since the C-PTSD has really set in, I don't know what to say anymore or how to act. I don't understand these common human social behaviors, they all just seem so pointless. Like what is the point of sitting around a table with a bunch of ignorant people to talk about some random topic? What is the point of dinner parties and superficial conversations? What is the point of these friends that all you do is cause drama to generate your own little world to fuel those people into feeling like they are doing something?

And let's say I do have to talk. "Oh, hey, what did you do yesterday?"
In my mind: "Uh.... contemplate how to lie my way into getting glasses from a doctor without a parent who are drug addicts?"
What I say: Did some household chores, what about you?

One thing I used to do was fake my identity, lie to keep the situation from being awkward. I fake friends and I fake memories, usually to strangers I know I'll never see again.

 

[BloomInWinter]

It feels like no matter how hard I try, I just do not belong anywhere.

 

[xena21]

I have been feeling like a pariah since I was a kid and my family put kid gloves on then. I always felt like an outsider looking in, and it hasn't changed at all. I put on a good act. I've learned since I was in the military to play my role. Now I know how to do it pretty well.