Anger Attacks

[Red Feather]

My mother still has similar fits. When I was a kid, it become normal to live with her yelling and screaming and throwing things. She would do it anywhere. In the supermarket or with the bank-tellar. She would start throwing shelves down in the supermarket. She would have no problem throwing a fit for a police man that would stop us on the highway, let alone on her own children every day. It was so normal. I think agree, this is psychological torture. She would throw me in the closet if I talked back to her. I don't even remember most of it. I became used to it and let it all devour my insides until I eventually got married and I was physcially abused by my husband, and easily psychologically abused and manipulated, and sexually abused as well. I didn't know that I had any rights or desires. I didn't even know what the word boundary meant. I have lost so much of life and my concept of life is just to run away from it.

I still am coming to terms and realizing that I cannot change my mother.

I hope you can find a safe way to protect your mind, body and soul. The more you take care of yourself the more you can help your mother.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Mel, and so sorry to read of your situation.

Something worth considering is that her anger and behaviour may have a physical or medical cause. Both thyroid and hormonal imbalances can cause extreme behaviours. A close friend of mine has just been diagnosed with both hormone and diabetic conditions and her major symptom was raging anger producing physical and verbal abuse of those around her.

I would suggest a visit to the doctor for some blood tests might be a good thing to start with, perhaps easier than pushing her to a psychiatrist?

Good luck, x

 

[mel19]

Thank you guys so much for your support. Many months later I got to a solution through a combination of factors. She didn't want to go to psychiatrist, so while my brother was away in England, and my mother kicked my father and me from our home, we told her we would not go back to the house until she went to a psychiatrist. She denied the first few days, but after she became lonely and missed us, she agreed to do so.

The first psychiatrist she went to, diagnosed her with bipolarity disorder straight away. However, the medication for bipolarity didn't work for her, it was as if she was merely drugged. She was still verbally aggressive as always, she just didn't have the energy to throw around stuff, but her intentions were clearly there.

So we changed the psychiatrist. This one was convinced she wasn't bipolar, and started slowly taking away her previous medication, while giving her new one. She does say she has a mental disorder, only my mother does not remember clearly the name, or she doesn't want to tell it to me. Anyway, I don't know the name, since I don't talk to the psychiatrist, and neither does my father. With a whole year of therapy sessions plus her medication, she's functioning almost normally. At least she doesn't throw around stuff, and almost doesn't insult us verbally.

The psychiatrist has actually just taken her medication completely, and she's still doing well. Maybe she just needed therapy. Oh and just like you said Pale Warrior, she was actually diabetic and had hypothyroidism, both of which hadn't been regulated well. But I still believe the medication provided by the second psychiatrist and the therapy, predominantly the therapy, did the trick.

I hope things keep on going well, even with my mother not taking the medication, because I seriously got to discover a different world. I got to actually know my mother, I was able to be happy around my family. We finally got to have some peace, after so many years of torture.

Thank you everyone again for your support, you really helped me :)

 

[mel19]

What I do hope is that I don't go around in the future subconsciously looking for a sick boyfriend/husband. Someone who tortures me either psychologically or physically, just because I grew up with that. Or even worse, myself starting to imitate my mother's behavior without realizing it. I am seriously afraid of that, so I think I will start going to a psychologist/psychiatrist myself

 

[BloomInWinter]

The next time she is being abusive, call the police. With enough documentation, she can be compelled to comply with medical orders or be subject to monitoring.

You and your brother must put your safety and mental health first. Get social services involved. There are resources to help you all at least mitigate the harm. This really strikes a chord for me, as I lived a very similar situation. I escaped, but my younger sis didn't and she's deeply ill now.

Trying to manage it yourself may seem like the way to go, but you do not have the power to change another human being. Getting social services involved will allow the professionals take over. Loved ones dealing with such mental illness often inadvertently enable a person to remain sicker out of a desire to help. Knowledge from professionals will help you all learn how not to do helping behaviors which make the overall situation worse.

The silence of dysfunctional families is the enemy of them getting healthier. Document her behavior and symptoms by calling for help and letting police and EMS professionals handle it. This is her single best chance of being treated appropriately for her symptoms.

You and your family members didn't cause her problems and you are not her cure. A healthy family is only as healthy as it's most dysfunctional member. When a loved one is determined or compelled to steering the raft off over the falls, the option most likely to successfully achieve our own survival is to jump.

Your Mom's illness and recovery are not within your control, and are not your responsibility.

You and your brother are missing out on the very years you need developmentally to be learning how to relate with healthy people.

If I can share some wisdom that I sure wish someone would have told me...please take immediate, decisive action on your own behalf. Muster all possible resources to make a healthier, safer existence now. Be selfish and put your efforts into living your own lives for you.

Let your Dad do his job to work out the details of your Mom's health care. If you do not make a life for yourself, one day she'll be gone and you'll still be alive. You will no longer be doing anything else for her. What kind of life do you want to have then for yourself when that happens?

Make that life now. When you are around her, you'll be healthier, better rested, more knowledgable, and with skills to employ to maximize the enjoyment of the time you do spend with each other.

Never stay in the same home when someone is verbally abusing you. Make a plan for where you and your brother can go until she is in herself again. A church might have some people willing to let you use their homes as a safe house whenever necessary, or your dad shold consider renting an efficiency where you aren't being subject to the abuse.

Definitely don't settle for the status quo. Be kind to yourself. It is hard to love people who are damaging to us. We can love them without allowing them to abuse us. Don't wait for rescue...rescue yourself and let the adults be responsible for their own lives.